Gransnet forums


Losing my only grandbaby

(14 Posts)
Dmac Sat 01-Feb-20 09:02:42

My daughter (youngest of three kids) and husband have a six month old, my only granddaughter, S. Their marriage is breaking up, and my daughter decided she can not care for S (due to emotional duress caused during the marriage), so tomorrow S is going to another state to be cared for by his family. I made my feelings known - that I think she should stay here with the family that she knows and loves her - but the parents have decided otherwise.

I have been her primary caretaker since she was born last July while her parents worked. I have been so upset all day, and can't stop crying. I'm afraid I'll never see her again, or if I do, she won't know who I am. It's true that it is a challenge to care for a baby full time at my time of life (62), but as she, along with my three kids, is the only family I have, and the only time I have a real problem is when the parents don't come home and don't inform me. Then, I stay up all night waiting for someone to show up and end up frustrated and angry with them.

When she leaves (her dad moved out today, no love lost - though I am disappointed that it couldn't have worked out), there will be such a hole in this house, I'm not sure how to handle this or what to do.

I've been up all night, so upset. All I can do is stare at her sleeping, touch her hair or hand, and think about all of the things and times I had high hopes of sharing with her. I feel destroyed, like a part of me is being ripped away unfairly.

The chances for me seeing her anytime soon is remote, as she will be a couple of days' drive away. My eldest son lives with me, and is mentally disabled (plus we have pets), so that alone makes travelling difficult. My middle son lives in another state, and it would make it a bit easier to take if he was closer, but there you go.

I am having a really hard time understanding why God would give me this gift to have her torn away. I don't know how I will handle this without having a complete breakdown over this loss.

dragonfly46 Sat 01-Feb-20 09:09:14

I am so sad reading this. I can’t offer any advice I am afraid. Unfortunately your DD has made this decision. Maybe in the future when things settle down you can go and visit.

Smileless2012 Sat 01-Feb-20 09:11:51

Oh Dmac I'm so very sorry and really don't know what to say.

I'm assuming your GD's paternal GP's will be involved in her care and I hope and pray that as GP's they will be able to understand your pain at losing your GD, and will do all they can to retain some level of contact so you see photo's and are kept informed of how she is.


wildswan16 Sat 01-Feb-20 09:46:03

It is so hard for you to feel you are losing your much loved granddaughter. Can you be comforted by knowing that she is going to a family who can love her and give her the stability that she needs? I hope you are able to keep in contact with her new home by phone or messaging. Let her new family know that you still want to remain part of her life without intruding into their lives.

You can send regular little parcels or letters/pictures to her so that she is often reminded of you.

M0nica Sat 01-Feb-20 11:57:16

But there are so many ways of keeping in touch and the family looking after will surely have access to skype and Facebook.

Obviously now she cannot respond, but why not talk to the family looking after her explain how you feel, because of the distance I expect they have seen little of her first six months so will understand how you feel.Arrange perhaps for photos or odd film clips every week or something like that.
In the mean while you can write to her, send her pictures and little presents, nothing expensive. Children absolutely love something coming into the mailbox for them. A pressed flower from your garden, something you see that pleases you, write her little stories about your life and family illustrated with photographs. Do that and then try to get across the country to visit her at least once a year and encourage your exSiL to make the journey to you now and again.

I wasborn during WWII. My ftaher was in the miltary. On eof my granmothers lived with us until I was 4 as her house was destroyed by a bomb. For the rest of her life we travelled all over the world, sometimes not seeing her for years on end, but despite that both I and my younger sister continued to love her to bits and just the thought of seeing her was a cause for joy and happiness.

I live 200 miles from my grandchildren, not far in US terms, but we manage to have a close relationship despite the distance. DS was on the phone this week to tell me about the elder's parents ecening at school and all the nice things said about her.

So weep your weep, allow yourself to do that for a day after she goes, then stop. The way forward is not tears but affirmative action. Talk to your ex SiL and his family, approach them not as a weepy grandma, but as part of your granddaughter's family, and eager to stay that way. Discuss in a practical way how you can see pictures of her often and how you can visit.

I am a great one for postive action, it gets much better results than tears, so set out to plan a new future for you and your beloved granddaughter.

endlessstrife Sat 01-Feb-20 12:09:33

This is not set in stone. Anything that happens today could change tomorrow. This time next year, all could have changed, and she could be back with you. You could have more grandchildren. Keep praying about it and focus your energy on the good things. As others have said, use social media to keep in touch, so she knows you. Life has a habit of changing quickly, so you may find yourself looking back and wondering when and how that happened. It was just a blip. Stay healthy and well, so you’re in a good place when you see her again.

Yennifer Sat 01-Feb-20 12:10:27

I really don't ha e any advice, I am just so sorry to read this x

crazyH Sat 01-Feb-20 12:12:53

How sad for you .....and for all those who do not see their grandchildren for reasons other than distance. My heart aches for all of you. I was almost there a couple of years ago, but through sheer determination and blooodiest of tongues, I got there. As someone said, be pro-active and make plans to keep up regular contact and visits . Good luck Dmac !

sodapop Sat 01-Feb-20 13:16:54

That is sad Dmac sounds like you have a lot on your plate. I agree with crazyH be proactive with plans to keep in touch. Don't despair things may change for the better in the future. Good luck

Grammaretto Sat 01-Feb-20 15:02:25

It sounds so terribly sad. You must not break down though. You must keep strong for your darling girl. All that's been said I agree with.

Make sure that the new carers know how much you love her and hopefully they will be kind and understanding and you will be able to share her care even if it has to be long distance.
So hard flowers

Starlady Sat 01-Feb-20 16:58:07

My heart goes out to you, Dmac! I am so deeply sorry this is happening! I must admit, I can't for the life of me imagine giving up my baby, especially if I had a loving mum/GM to take care of her so much of the time, as you have been doing. I can't imagine tearing her away from a GM who has been her primary caregiver either, a 6-month-old knows who their caregivers are. But I don't mean to judge your DD and soon-to-be XSIL. And if DD really can't be around GD, it may be best for the child to live w/ other family.

"...the only time I have a real problem is when the parents don't come home and don't inform me. Then, I stay up all night waiting for someone to show up and end up frustrated and angry with them."

It sounds as if neither parent is totally committed to their child, which is very sad. The only thing I don't understand is why they didn't simply ask you to have GD fulltime. Maybe that would be "too much" for you, but did they even ask? Is her dad going to be living w/ her and his parents? Is that why she's going there?

Regardless, hopefully, DD will, at least, ask for visitation. Then perhaps you'll be assured visitation, as well. For now, I agree w/ others about keeping in touch and asking for pix, etc. I trust you won't push though, they will need time to settle into their new routine and for GD to get used to them (she will, but it may take a little time). Phone, email, or write, but not often, at least not till you see what kind of response you get.

Also, I agree w/ MOnica that you need to let yourself weep - grieve even for what seems like a "lost relationship." But don't show that grief to your XSIL or his family. For them, be pleasant, supportive, and yes, practical about contact.

Please let us know how it all works out. For now, sending lots of hugs and xx.

Sandmb Sat 14-Mar-20 21:26:35

I would speak to the others family and try and arrange regular visitation and if not agreed try and get a court order which obviously u don’t want to do but if you want to be in your grandchild’s life you may have to but in the mean time send things letters pictures try FaceTiming and keep a record. You need to grieve when your grandchild has been a big part of your life so you have to fight for the child. You deserve to be in their life and they deserve to be in yours

Bibbity Sun 15-Mar-20 00:39:14

I have a daughter born last July and as she lies next to me I can’t imagine the pain you must be going through.
I am so so sorry.

I would absolutely get in touch with her new primary carer. Discuss everything. Try and make a bond with them. Can they send you pictures. Can you try and arrange meetings half way? Do you have anyone who can help you at home so you can travel for a few days?

Hithere Sun 15-Mar-20 00:48:42

I would talk to your dd and ask her how you can keep in touch with her and gd.

What a difficult situation for everybody