Dealing with estrangement - Q&A

Yennifer Title of thread; Are you feeling isolated and alone, due to being estranged/alienated from your grandchild?
So why did you cut your children off from their grandparents & family if you think it's not right to do so?

Muffin

muffin

Thanks Starlady, much appreciated.

Wishing everyone a good week.

muffin

I don't want to comment too much on this thread and upset anyone but I was wanting to say that my heart goes out to everyone x

Always sad to read about the pain that some of you are going through.

Whywhywhy, sorry about ED, but TG for your XSIL!

Muffin, sorry your DH is ill. Please be sure you take care of yourself as well as him. I can't get over your ED pushing you away b/c you asked her to come see her ill dad! Either this was part of a pattern of disagreements or her partner is very controlling and has influenced her to stay away. Either way, I'm so sorry. TG for your other DD!

PF, I hope you take care of yourself, as I said to muffin. I totally get your focusing on your relationship w/ your DH now. You two will be in my prayers.

As for DD1, I'm glad she's keeping in touch now. It seems her attitude has softened or perhaps SIL has become less controlling (or she is standing up to him more). I'm sorry that your visit in March may have to be cancelled. But I hope DH gets well and that you both meet your two DGDs eventually.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

for you petitfromage.

Another big thumbs up for Smileless and a huge thank you for all of the time, patience and kindness which she finds for us all.

muffin, my heart goes out to you. Your situation sounds very similar to mine. We were a close, loving family until DD1 met her now DH, from whom we gradually became estranged. We have seen her once in the last three years. She ghosted us for 6 months, moved without giving us her address, got married without telling us, and gave birth to our first DGD, but did not tell us until DGD was 14 months old (and only after we had agreed to give them a loan to buy a second property to let out).

DGD2 was born on Christmas Eve, whom we also haven't met yet. We are due to visit in March, but my DH has just been diagnosed with an aggressive form of cancer, so I suspect and hope that he will be having his treatment then, so we will not go. I seriously wonder if he will ever meet his DGDs and it is hard not to feel bitter, although I am not generally a bitter person.

I suppose it's a positive, but DD1 has been in virtually daily contact since last summer, sent lots of photos and videos of the DGDs, is clearly devastated by the news about DH. And I know that I need to move forward, for DH's sake - who is much more forgiving than I am - as well as my own, I just don't have the headspace for negative feelings.

I totally agree that it is about 'power' and the reason I don't like SIL and fell out with him is that he is controlling. DD1 didn't just estrange her family, but all of her friends as well. Neither she nor SIL are working at present, so they are together 24/7 and they don't see anyone else other than his parents. They think that they are doing us a huge favour to have any access to 'their' family.

Sorry to be negative - if DH can recover and we have even a few more years together, I almost don't care. My perspective has altered. DD1 has her own life to live, with all its ups and downs, and I wish her well. I still love her but I have been hurt too much and, like Smileless, I think it might be better not to meet the DGDs, as then there is a vulnerability. Now I just see pictures of sweet children but, frankly, they could be anybody's. I have no connection to them.

It was definitely the best thing we could have done Norah and yes it was cathartic.

The first week in our new home I kept dissolving into tears and in the end Mr. S. asked me if I was regretting our move. I told him they were tears of relief and after 4 years I felt safe enough to let it go.

Smileless the moving house was brilliant. And maybe cathartic?

Thank you Starlady

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Muffin; I am sorry to hear your husband is ill and you must have a lot going on in looking after him.
Your sadness is magnified now you have the estrangement happening with you daughter, as it is still early days it must still be confusing as to why she has taken that action against you.

Like yourself I sometimes feel it would have been a lot easier if I had never had a relationship with the children and had never spent time with them and it is true it does feel similar to a bereavement.
Try to stay strong and take care of yourself and you are lucky to have another daughter that is supportive and is there for you.
Best Wishes to you.

So sad, Yennifer. Hugs!

Hope I'm not too late to add, Smileless, that I have a lot of respect for you (and Mr. S) also, and the way you have moved on and draw on your experience to help others.

Thank you Norah, Chewbacca and lavenderzen

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

I agree too with Eglantine's comments re Smileless x.

I agree with Eglantine too.

Eglantine21 Smileless has rebuilt her life and the support she has given to others. My respect for her knows no bounds.

I agree with Eglantine21.

Yes Starlady, it's very possible but I think what makes it really hard for me to know for definite is the motives for doing it. If every horror story were true I feel sorry for her and obviously took her side back then as I stopped seeing them. She didn't break the cycle though and she also tried to distance me from everyone. All family, my friends and my husband. My motive was protection, hers was isolation x

I haven’t spoken or seen my daughter in over 5 years. I have tried everything and to this day I don’t know what it is all about. Thankfully after 2 years her ex husband decided that I should be in my two beautiful grand daughters lives. I see them once per month and I am truly grateful to him and his family. I have read so much on this wonderful site and it has helped me. Also I have two wonderful sons. We have to be brave and hold in there and not get too down hearted about it all. X

Yennifer, I know this isn't the topic here, but I can't help but wonder... is it possible that the "horror stories" your mum told you had some truth to them? I get that she was an abusive person, but maybe that's b/c her parents were? Could it be she distanced them for that reason even though, unlike yourself, she didn't know she should/how to break the abusive pattern?

I agree Yennifer "it's a double edged issue".

What are the ideal steps for reconciliating estranged parties, both on estranged and estrangee sides?