Dealing with estrangement - Q&A

We were estranged from both our families, after trying for years to put things right. Our children heard and saw things in this time, which brought them to the decision of not wanting to see them once they were adults. If a law had been passed, giving grandparents rights, it most likely would have completely killed any chance of the relationships improving for good. As it turned out, relationships didn’t improve anyway, but years ago, there was always the chance it would eventually, or our children would still choose to see them, which we encouraged them to once old enough. They never wanted to. I read many posts, where I just feel some grandparents have a sense of entitlement. I wonder if it’s because they somehow missed out with their own children, and now have the need to catch up. Whichever it is, to give them rights could destroy a young family, and I hope it never happens.

Thank you Eglatine21 I'm very against children cut off from good grandparents especially as with no wider support network it makes it easier for children to be abused by some parents in the home. It's a double edged issue x

I do not feel isolated and some days I do not give myself time to be alone, I have several supportive family members that always urge me to look forward with my life and to make the best of things.

It is still early days for me and the estrangement has been for four months, the difficulty within the relationship with my daughter had been happening for a long time until it seems there was nothing left to do but just stop seeing each other.
My grand-children are 7 (almost 8) 6 ( almost 7) and 2. and because of the breakdown with my daughter I was then denied contact with the grand-children.
Christmas 2019 was the first year of not seeing them since the eldest has been born and I coped better than I had expected maybe because I knew there was nothing else I could do. I had been preparing their presents throughout the year and had everything so the third week of January I sent everything to her by another relative which I know she received. I thought she may send me a small thank-you card or perhaps a call but still nothing.

I had played the role of grand-mother in the children's lives
and helped my daughter a lot and although I know I have to accept the situation not a day passes when they are not in my mind.

I am still at the point when if I am shopping or doing something like that and I meet someone I know locally they will always ask me "where are your grand-children?" are they okay? and I am still at a loss as what to say, I just reply "Yes they are okay" and then hurry off. It bothers me when I dwell on the thought of never seeing those children again but only time is a healer so one day at a time is all I do.

Smileless is a remarkable person. I’ve been wanting to say that for ages and this is the moment. The way that she has rebuilt her life and the support she has given to others. My respect for her knows no bounds.

Now I’ve got that off my chest, Sparkling I think Yennifer poses a very important question and one that has troubled me greatly.

Abuse is not only physical and sometimes not even intentional as such. But if grandparents and grandchildren are given rights to see each other, how do parents protect their children from the damage they themselves have suffered?

I have a story but like Yennifers it is in the past, so you might say not relevant. But it’s repercusdions are still part of my family’s life and the damage done by one grandparent will never be healed.

Smileless I am glad that you are in a better place and have support on here. I think it must be awful initially, the shock and disbelief when you love them all, to be cut adrift. It is very cruel if you have done your best and loved them. If it's abuse that another matter. It seems to be on the increase too, it just has to be about control, one day those parents who cut their families off will have young adults questioning why. I know without doubt I would. I very much doubt that the son or daughters controlling behaviour is confined to just one person, the estranged grandparent.

If you are meaning yourself, that was in the past, your children do not see their grandparents, but they are too young to comment on here . It is concerning those grandparents not seeing their grandchildren now and how it affects them.

I thought it was about grandchildren not seeing their grandparents too x

What is Sparkling?

Yen nicer, this is about grandparents not seeing their grandchildren!

I hope this is OK to ask. I was alienated from grandparents {and other family} by my mother. I still saw them very occasionally because my mother wanted to be a benificary in the will but she took me less than once a year and told me lots of horror stories about them which made me stop going at all. As an adult it makes me sad as I remember warm smiling faces and they have been gone a long time.

My mother was severely emotionally and sometimes physically abusive to me and as an adult I came to see how often she lied and how stories changed. My own children and I are now estranged from her and my children have been part of and happy with that decision.

What I would like to ask is, what do you think of proposed changes to grandparents rights and how can they be implimented while still protecting children like mine from abusive people?

Fortunately, I'm not estranged from anyone at the moment. But I have a few unfortunate friends IRL who are estranged from their AC, CIL, and GC. For that reason, this sentence caught my attention:

"Jane was reunited with her granddaughter in 2018."

I'm wondering how this came about? And what is Jane's advice, if any, for other GPs who want to reunite w/ their GC?

I don't feel isolated or alone thanks to my wonderful husband and supportive family and friends.

We have been estranged from our youngest son and only grandchildren for just over 7 years. We have never seen the youngest and the last time we saw the eldest he was just 8 months old.

It was when I accepted that this was something that we were not responsible for and something that we couldn't change, that I and I believe my husband too began to cope with our loss.

I've found support here on GN and on 2 other online sites which were specifically for estranged parents. One of these was particularly good but eventually folded, the other I found could be too inward looking with little being done or encouraged to find ways of moving on.

In the first 2 to 3 years I read quite a lot which for a time proved very helpful a when it happens to you, you think you're the only one, that it must be something you've done wrong because 'adult children don't estrange kind, caring, loving and supportive parents'.

The best support comes from those who share the experience of estrangement and anyone whether they're estranged or not who listens, believes what you say and doesn't judge.