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Letter to grandchildren

(11 Posts)
GrandmaTrisha Sun 16-Feb-20 17:02:09


I posted on this site a few months ago about a situation which had led to my DH and me being ‘estranged’ from our DS, DiL and grandchildren. The situation got better before Xmas when both me and my DH apologised for the issues which had caused the situation. I still truly believe I was innocent of what I was being accused of but that’s another story.

They live on the opposite side of the world so our only means of communication has been FB or Messenger. It’s been tense, but we were all seemingly willing to work at mending our bridges.

However, DiL suddenly stopped replying to my messages and I have since realised that she has stopped me from seeing any pictures of our DGC on FB. Other family members see these but I don’t. I don’t think my DS is aware of the situation either but he would take her side even if he was.

I am finding this heartbreaking to deal with and I need to let our DGC know that we still think of them and love them dearly. I have thought about writing them a letter. I’m not sure she will give this to them but I need to try. My question to you all is what would you put in this letter? I don’t know how to say what I am feeling without upsetting them or making them think that we won’t ever have them in our lives again because I hope we will but for now, it is what it is. Any help would be appreciated. Thank you.

Yennifer Sun 16-Feb-20 17:24:17

Hello, can I suggest writing the letter but not sending it, if there is tension with SIL it will probably just be seen as a guilt trip or something else. Maybe writing it will help you get those feelings out though and then you could burn it or put it away x

Yennifer Sun 16-Feb-20 17:24:49

I'm sure I typed DIL. Phone must have changed it x

Chewbacca Sun 16-Feb-20 17:31:33

Rather than write a letter to your grandchildren, why not write a letter to your DS and DIL and ask them what's gone wrong? For what it's worth, my mother wrote a letter to my DS when he was quite young, to tell him, from her perspective, what had happened between her and I and to give "her side of the story". I only know a little of what was in that letter because my DS was so upset and angry that he was being dragged into something that was nothing to do with him, that he burnt it. To this day, he has never discussed it further. The point I'm trying to make is that your issue is with the adults and it's them that you need to sort this out with. Not the children.

Smileless2012 Sun 16-Feb-20 17:31:34

If you decide to send a letter GrandmaTrisher I would suggest it's something light and newsy. Tell the children what you've been up too, what the weather's been like etc.

You could ask what they and mummy and daddy have been up too. It would be good I think to refer to them in your letter.

I wouldn't say that you miss them and/or miss FB and messaging them. Of course you can finish by telling them how much you love them.

OutsideDave Mon 17-Feb-20 02:21:08

How old are your GC? I vaguely remember your previous post but can’t find it- any chance anyone has the link? It seems like with your son being deployed and DIL having to evacuate now is probably not the time to send a letter. It’s likely to further upset DIL during a stressful time, unlikely to get to your GC, and reduce the chances of reconciliation. Just leave it.

Hithere Mon 17-Feb-20 04:54:15

I tried to find the thread without successfully.

How old are your gc?
If they are minors, I'm afraid their parents decide whether the gc have contact with you or not.
You can write it but the gc may never receive it and it may make the estrangement even worse.
Ask yourself the real purpose of this letter - would you ideally want a reply? Just for them to read? Beware of your expectations from this letter
Your gc already know you love them.

Hithere Mon 17-Feb-20 04:55:33

Without success- the autocorrect drives me nuts.

Starlady Thu 20-Feb-20 22:39:09

Oh, GrandmaTrisha, I'm so sorry about this situation. Hugs!

I'm another one wondering how old your GC are. Would they even be aware of the messaging back & forth?

Overall, I agree w/ Chewbaca, that it might be better to write to DS and DIL and ask what has gone wrong? Let them know you thought things were going well/better/whatever word seems to fit, and that you would like to know what has changed, if anything. Keep it brief, though, and pleasant, and be prepared for the possibility that they might not respond.

If you feel you must write to the GC, I agree w/ Smileless to keep it light and breezy. Don't gripe about their parents/DIL or mention being CO (cut off) again.

Please let us know what you decide and how it turns out.

Starlady Thu 20-Feb-20 22:46:05

IMO, you and DH were wise to apologize for the things you were accused of. I know you didn't see things the same way, but DS/DIL were clearly going by their own perceptions, and I think you were wise to respond to that.

If you really still feel you were innocent, though, perhaps that has come across in some of your messages? You say the communication was still tense after the apologies, so I take it the air wasn't fully cleared. Is that correct? And perhaps there was still something bothering DIL that wasn't dealt with? Is that possible? Then again, maybe she just couldn't take the tension anymore and decided to disengage?

I'm not sure how she can block you from seeing pix of your DGC on FB unless she and DS share a page or you're involved in some kind of family site that she has blocked you from. If DS has his own page, you should be able to see pix of your grands there (if he posts them). For whatever that's worth...

notanan2 Fri 21-Feb-20 01:30:27

Why is it the DILs not your sons responsibility to keep you updated re the children?