What EP's need to hear from a fellow Estranged Parent.

Playing tit for tat with your own child's love never usually ends well.

The facts are the facts.

Love is unconditional in a healthy family.

Don't be so eager to shoot the messenger.

Don't insult my intelligence either

Think you have over stated your points now .

I cannot help you if you are struggling to use google

Not when I keep getting a mean girl response to all my posts, pointless

Can you not just post a response in plain speak without all the jargon, we aren't stupid and are quite capable of reading any book on the subject we choose.

The only person calling EP's "villains" is you Smileless. If I see a duck I refuse to call it a goose to make it feel better because it wants to be a goose. It's still a duck. If I see a goose quacking I'm likely to ask what's going on. If the goose says, "I'm a duck." I'm going to 'break the news' to the goose. Now if the duck is happily quacking and the goose is honking then that is 'normal'.

Recovery teaches you to see all the waterfowl for what it is and not what it wants to be/is pretending to be.

"Gossip from flying monkeys" oh the irony.

Yes Bridie it does work both ways.

Are you just quoting from a book?

And I had absolutely no idea why, and no way of asking her.

You should add...
But if someone tries to explain I shall attack them, too.

Gossip from flying monkeys about your child does not equate to asking your AC what happened. But shows the level of bond between the EP and AC - healthy parents do not go on hearsay that conveniently fits the bitter narrative - the AC has probably endured much of this hostility already, and voted, finally, with their feet. Bravo to them.

Life is very short....and some of our children are also choosing to miss out on precious time with their parents, it works BOTH ways.

In recovery I learned that you can either get used to tip-toeing through an abusers 'emotional minefield' or you can find a clear path but until there is acknowledgment of the 'mines' in the field they can't be 'swept clean'. Abusers don't 'see' the mines even when they are the ones laying them.

What she said.

...And sorry for my "mines" - we've all had our wars.

I didn't say it "wasn't" the cause or that abuse may not have caused it, and no one has written off a severe psychological condition. You don't take on board what others post HolyHannah because you're too focused on your own point of view and seem unable or unwilling to accept that not all EP's are the villains you portray them as being.

"It is not my intent to shame anyone". Maybe you should re evaluate some of your responses and consider the words you have quoted from the OP.

It is not my intent to shame anyone, but to simply offer what I have learned to see if it will help you, too. It is painful to see the truth about ourselves, and if you are not in a place that this is possible, or you feel that this article is not for you, you have my blessing to stop reading.

The author nailed it...

Smileless -- One of the reasons for eating disorders is early childhood trauma. lavazza1st admitted that the child was exposed to a dysfunctional environment/trauma. The child developed an eating disorder. And you don't see that as the cause?

To 'comfort' lavazza1st you want to say the eating disorder happened in a vacuum and the abuse might not have caused it? This might be what some call "rubbish advice". I certainly believe trying to 'write off' a severe psychological condition in an 11 year old as 'maybe not her fault' is not "help".

What I have listed is not what EP's need to hear from other EP's or anyone else for that matter.

I'll separate out what I've identified as criticism and unhelpful rosecarmel.

In response specifically to Lavazza1st. Eating disorders are due to a dysfunctional upbringing. This is not always the case as Madgran's links illustrated.

The L hasn't acknowledged damage done to her son due to his early childhood, when she has.

She seems to be more concerned with her own pain than her son's.

That she exposed her children to a dysfunctional environment and no acknowledgement apart from mine, that she left their abusive father.

"To enter into an abusive relationship you must yourself be dysfunctional"

Accusing EP's of giving other EP's "rubbish advice".

"If you are estranged from your children it's because you are unreasonable".

ananimous -- Clearly some need to reread the article. She is saying all the things NOT to do and yet it is being demonstrated again. Stop defending yourself, get honest, stop justifying, it's not your child's 'job' to make you happy and stop playing the victim. If EP's can't/won't stop doing those things, then you are right, Bottom line: If you are estranged from your child it is because you are unreasonable.

In recovery I learned that you can either get used to tip-toeing through an abusers 'emotional minefield' or you can find a clear path but until there is acknowledgment of the 'mines' in the field they can't be 'swept clean'. Abusers don't 'see' the mines even when they are the ones laying them.

Smileless, would you mind taking the time to separate out what you identified as advice and what you identified as critisim?

Or at least point out what was said that wasn't helpful-

That's what the OP is about in a nutshell- She doesn't dance around the problem, she addresses what she caused-

Exactly rosecarmel

Usually the whole family are dysfunctional, and also friends we orientate towards will have similar/familiar toxicity traits.

I am glad to report that we are not a usual family in this regard.

I agree and IMO Lavazza1st has demonstrated some understanding of the effect her children's childhood has had, in particular on her son so I don't understand why she's come in for criticism.

It isn't so much a matter of who did or didn't do their best, who did what right or wrong- It boils down to understanding what your actions or inaction "caused"-

That's what the OP is about in a nutshell- She doesn't dance around the problem, she addresses what she caused-

No I don't hate facts ananimous that's the point, it is not a fact that you someone must be dysfunctional to find themselves in a dysfunctional relationship.

I am estranged from my daughter, but this is not a defensive mother speaking. I had no idea, for many years, why my daughter suddenly cut contact not only with me, but with my whole family including her siblings, her aunts and uncles, cousins, grandparents etc. She immediately changed her phone number and moved house to an undisclosed location.

Usually the whole family are dysfunctional, and also friends we orientate towards will have similar/familiar toxicity traits.