Why dont adult grandchildren find their estranged grandparents?

Sometimes the children remember the stress that the cut off person used to bring into their house. Their parents may have said absolutely nothing about it, but if the child was old enough they could remember that.

This too.
They will remember their parent tensing up if you phoned and going quiet for the rest of the day afterwards.

They know you caused their primary carer stress/upset even if their parent never told them so.

You are not associated with happy family times where the whole family felt love and support from you

You dont miss what you havent had

And family are the people you grew up with, whether your related to them or not.

Sharing genes doesnt make you family. Sharing time as a family group does.

You cant just pluck out the grandchildren and be "family" with them if youre not involved with their family group

Sometimes the children remember the stress that the cut off person used to bring into their house. Their parents may have said absolutely nothing about it, but if the child was old enough they could remember that.

They remember how much happier everything was without the stress. Very few people go looking to add stress to their lives

Too many factors to know. I cut off my mum while my children were old enough to know her but they witnessed her abusing me and she was never interested in them so they want nothing to do with her.

I have an older sister who was adopted who I have never tried to contact. She probably has her own life and own family. If she had wanted to know her birth family my mum left the details for her. She didn't. So even though my mum abandoned her and emotionally abandoned me (sometimes I wonder if it's part of the reason my mum never bonded with me and abused me instead). Anyways. Not my place to try and force myself on her. She may not even be alive as far as I know.

So I guess your grandchildren could know a lot or know nothing. As long as they are happy and healthy, let them be.

well obviously i know nothing about your situation.
but speaking more generally, i think sometimes older people expect too much of youngsters. a neighbour often skypes her children, wants to speak to her GDs, aged 8-9. perhaps because i am the onlooker it is obvious to me that the kids don't really want to be bothered. they are told to speak to granny, who then interrogates them, question after question. they are not interested and don't know what to say. they literally do not know where she is coming from. they are not unkind but it is beyond their ken.
i've tried to gently suggest the neighbour just lets them lead any conversation and not press them so much. but she doesn't see it; i fear she will alienate them. soon they will reach the stage where they simply refuse to be paraded.
re teens/ young adults, it is natural for youngsters to look forward, not backwards, and to be interested in establishing their own lives. they barely take any notice of their parents let alone GPs. their circles of significance are their peers.
older people have a completely different perspective; they are looking backwards, often living on or through their memories.
not that i'm saying there cannot be warm close mutually enjoyable relationships between different generations, but it can't be forced.

Sometimes grandchildren will get in touch.We didn’t see my nephew or nieces for many years due to a nasty divorce.Out of the blue,about 20 years later my nephew invited us and my mum to his weddingWe are very close to my one niece in particular and see her quite often.We meet up with the rest of them a few times a year.We never forgot them and luckily for us they never forgot us either.Its quite a number of years ago now but even typing this I feel emotional thinking of when we saw them again for the first time.

Oh yes. I was adopted and although I knew and loved my birth grandparents, I wasn’t always that interested in their stories and there are so many questions I’d like to ask now that it’s too late.

What a lovely thing to have done NanaHev, and even if your GC access your book after you've gone, you'll have left them with some valuable information about the family they never knew.

Some very interesting and thoughtful replies. Thank you for that. My daughter married into a family that would hold no truck with any son or daughter NOT cutting themselves off from their families. Weird or what. Plus my daughter never forgave me for divorcing her father. He was never violent to her; just to me and our son. When I tried to explain this to her when she was in her teens she said that her brother and I should have behaved ourselves better!!!!! My daughter was never the brightest light on the Christmas tree and she blamed me for that too. I think this is part of why she has hurt me so much. She blamed me for not being very clever.
I took up the hobby of genealogy when I got and learned how to use a PC. I researched and wrote a book on their ancestry from my line, self published, and dedicated it to my 2 grandsons by their full names. I sent them each a copy and set up a website where they can have a free copy. If they, or anyone else, puts their full name in Google my book will come up. So they know that I was cut out and they know that I have tried to tell them of their ancestors which is part of a grandparents job.
So I think Englantine 21 and sodapop are right. They will take an interest oneday but probably not in my lifetime.

I'd imagine not being involved with Grandparents for over twenty years growing up makes the Grandparents pretty irrelevant in their lives. I doubt they'd give them a second thought quite honestly.

Lots of reasons I suppose, not wanting to upset their parents being one of them. I think its older people who are more interested in getting to know family. Younger people are involved with their own lives and friends. Quite often when they have families of their own they start thinking about estranged relatives.

I don’t have any experience of estrangement and I don’t want to minimise your pain, but truthfully most twenty somethings are out there busy wth a life of their own and hardly give their parents a thought!

Im afraid you may have to wait a bit longer. When they settle down with a family of their own is when they start thinking about other family ties.

This is when a lot of adopted children start thinking about their birth parents. That’s not the same I know but it’s to do with their own maturity and experiences.

Sometimes they do NanaHev. A friend of some of our friends GD found her when she was 18. They spoke on the 'phone and eventually met up, still do as far as I know but the GD's mother knew nothing about it.

Some may think badly of their GP's because of what they've been told and if they never knew them that could also explain why they've no desire to find them. It may be different if GC remember the GP's they no longer see and have fond memories of time spent with them.

It might be difficult for some because they worry about their parents' reaction if they do try and find the people their parents' wanted them to have nothing to do with.

We've been estranged for 7.5 years and our only GC are our ES's children. We never really knew the eldest, didn't see him after he was 8 months old and have never seen the youngest.

TBH I don't know if I'd want to hear from them when they're older. To come face to face with one or two young men I don't know, to have that stark reminder of all that we'd missed I would imagine could be pretty painful.

Estrangement does seem to be more common so it could be that our GC have friends who don't see GP's either, so it becomes 'normal'.

I'm sure there are estranged parent's who are oblivious to the fact that they have GC, which may not be a bad thing but I suppose they may wonder if they do.

If you know where they are why not contact them yourself, they may well of been told that you were the ones who cut contact.

well i guess you've answered your own question, but i realise the question is largely rhetorical.
what you mean is that you wish your GSs would contact you, in the hope of establishing some kind of relationship.
since you know their names have you tried to contact them; with modern methods and seemingly everyone under ? 50 wanting to tell the whole world the details of their personal and professional lives, it must be easier now than ever before.

I think it all depends in what the original reason for estragement was.

There is no one fits all answer