SUPPORT for all living with the pain of estrangement

I know what you mean hugshelp I also stopped trying to work out what goes on in our ES's head. There was a time when I thought I knew what was going on in there, now I don't and TBH I prefer it that way.

Just had a knock at the door and been presented with beautiful bouquet from Mr. S. as it's our Ruby Wedding Anniversary tomorrow.

Wow; 40 years I can scarcely believe we've been married that long and then when I think all of we've been through together, the joy and the tears, we needed 40 years to fit it all in.

Looking forward to a romantic meal out tomorrow night, our first since lock down, to celebrate. I've been teasing Mr. S. for months about getting me an enormous ruby but of course I don't need one because I have a precious gem already; Mr. S..

Thank you for your understanding smiles. I don't ask questions once I hear of these things, just ask my DD if she had a good time and leave it at that. I've stopped trying to fathom what is going on in ES's son's head since he's never seen fit to tell me. And yes the planning is a lot of the fun.

I'm glad you are feeling supported nanastrawberry. As smiles says there's no rule book for this, there's many different situations and even when they are similar the way our EC behave is unpredictable. We can all only muddle through the best we can.

Thank you for sharing more of your story smiles. Your strength is inspiring and your honest is brave and your story resonates and brings a feeling of solidarity amongst us wounded souls.

That was a lovely response PF - I echo all you've said, though you worded it way better than I could. Thinking of you, your DH, and all your family.

Well said, pantglas and I hope you are well and life isn't being too harsh.

I hope you all have a good night and a good day to come friends.

“If it’s not alright it’s not the end”.

My family mantra at present. flowers

I have to agree with the lovely sentiments of the above posters. When times have been difficult for me and I’ve had no desire to pull myself “out of it” I find the empathy and encouragement on this thread invaluable and its the posters who have experienced the pain of estrangement for a long time that give me the strength to go on.

Our children and grandchildren are part of us and no matter what anyone says, or does, that can not change.
I’ll hold that thought close.

We are dealing with a very damaged personality and I can’t see how our situation will end if ever.

I agree Pantglas this is a lovely and much needed space for support and understanding.

there are no winners in estrangement, only people who can be happy in a different way from what was anticipated that's one of the best descriptions of living with estrangement I've ever seen.

Thank you for this and all your other posts x.

Other than the Good Morning thread, I think this is one of the most welcoming and supportive ones on Gransnet and that is mostly down to you two ladies, Smileless and Petitfromage (aka Dolcelatte) and also others who have chipped in from time to time.

The way you share your very varied experiences of estrangement freely and offer different perspectives of how to cope is a lesson to all that there are no winners in estrangement, only people who can be happy in a different way from what was anticipated when we all looked forward to parenthood many, many moons ago!

Yes you're right PF the pain is still there and it does throb.

I've had so much wonderful support here on GN over the years and couldn't have got this far without it.

Your post is one of the loveliest responses I have ever received and I thank you from the bottom of my heart xx.

Smileless, you are such a brave, kind soul. You have gone through agonies, as so many of us have, and you have courageously rebuilt your life, but your pain is still there: I feel it; it throbs. Please accept this socially distanced giant hug. And, despite all this, you are there for everybody else. Thank you so much for all of the support which you have given me and others.

You are connected to your DS and your grandchildren, they are part of you and you are part of them. That will never change, it is eternal and, deep down, your DS knows this. You have a strong and unbreakable bond which will endure, although it is obscured by weeds at present. You are in each other's DNA.

Keep strong, my friend, I have a strong feeling that it will all be alright in the end - and, as the saying goes, if it is not alright, it is not the end!

I'm so pleased that you're finding this thread helpful Nanastrawberry.

You are correct about there being no particular guidance or way to go forward. So much depends on our individual personalities and the extent of and reliability of our support network.

A consistent opinion of me is how strong I am and yet, for more than 2 years I was a total wreck. I managed our business accounts from home and had already closed down my small gift shop business, which TBH was more of a hobby, as I'd been asked by ES and his wife to help out with childcare 2 to 3 days a week. That never happened.

So for more than 2 years I barely functioned and have no idea how Mr. S. went into work every day and continued to run our successful business.

I barely left the house for fear and dread of seeing them and our GC. It took more than 2 years for me to begin to accept that there was never going to be a reconciliation but that's not to say it will be like that for you or anyone else.

A once regular poster here who was one of the first to welcome me to GN reconciled with her son last year, after 7 years.

I wanted us to get our lives back, to start living again and so eventually joined a new gym and started to confront my fear of seeing them every time I left the house. I had to 'sort myself out' as much as for Mr. S. as for myself.

We bought a static caravan so I could escape and have somewhere I could relax and get a decent nights' sleep. We had our villa in Florida and in many ways that helped to save me. Knowing we were going there a couple of times a year for several weeks at a time kept me going.

Accepting it was all over was the beginning of my healing process. Eventually moving away after almost 4 years was the biggest step forward for us both. So much so that after only having been here for 18 months I realised I didn't need Florida anymore, I no longer needed somewhere to run away too and hide. We sold our villa 2.5 years ago.

We have no way of knowing how long this will last or if it will ever end. For me, the longer our estrangement went on the less chance I saw for reconciliation and not just because it may not be something our ES would ever want.

I'm getting a great deal of empathy and support reading posts . Am I correct in thinking there is no particular guidance or way to go forward once estranged?
I was so desperate when I joined I'm not sure what I expected from this site .
I'm up to 18months now ; I feel the longer it continues the less my chance of reconciliation?
Anyone able to reply with further experience ? Thanks

I was just thinking about you PF, wondering how you and your DH are getting on.

Hope all is as well as it can be x

hugshelp

hugshelp it's so hurtful isn't it. It's as if putting the knife in isn't enough, they have to twist it too.

Of course we want our estranged children's siblings to have a relationship with them but it hurts nonetheless.

Thinking about it, what makes your son think that you would have been there if you'd known about his visit to your sister? It's an unfair position to put his sister in. He needs to keep her out of it and asking her to keep things from you is doing the exact opposite.

The last time DS was in the UK, almost 3 years ago, we always knew when he was seeing his brother and his nephews, our GC. We always told him to have a good time. We never asked him to pass on a message or mention us to our grand children, and we never asked him any questions when we came back.

He would volunteer information but TBH I didn't want to know.

Enjoy a special treat with your DH hugshelp part of the fun is in the planning isn't it.

I'm glad today went well for you and your DD ggg. Problems often appear much greater and insurmountable without the support network we thought we would always have. Be proud of how far you have come and have faith in how far you can go.

Always good to see your thoughtful and supportive posts Granniesunite.

Sending hugs to you all.

Glad school went okay gggrass - we are in such strange times everything seems so complicated.

Thanks granniesunite - I think we'll plan our next little outing after dinner, something to look forward to.

I can just imagine how you must feel hugshelp .Im so very sorry to hear that. I’m sure your daughter must feel conflicted and upset too.

Give yourself a while to get over the blow then treat you and your DH to a special something that will make you smile. It might take the edge off your pain.

Good to hear first day at school passed okay *greengreengrass. Simple things make life so much easier.

Thanks hugshelp.
Hope caravan trip goes alright GUnite

All okay here, huge relief first day back at school gone okay. Very important for me in the absence of birth family because that is a big part of my support network. DD okay with it.

Ohh I hope you have a lovely time in Charlie 2 smiles.

Just heard from DD that ES has been up to visit her, but ofc she wasn't allowed to mention it until he had gone in case me and DH tried to see him. Glad she had a nice time with him but it still feels like a blow that he won't even be in the same county with our knowledge.

Have a great time smileless in Charlie 2 when the time comes.

Good night and hope its a peacful one for all who struggle through each day missing their loved ones.

How's everyone doing? OK I hope.

We've booked our first short trip away in Charlie 2 and after a rather frustrating few hours on Sunday, Mr. S. managed to get everything working.

I remember when we had our touring caravans, it was never easy getting the fire to light, a bit like our patio heater now.

We thought at one point there was a problem and we'd have to take him back to have him looked at; that's Charlie, not Mr. S. but all is well.

Hello Brett. I wish you well with your situation.

Hello GreenGreenGrass, sorry to hear you are suffering estrangements too.

Hope you all have a good night, wishing you all well, ladies.

Im sorry you are going through this.
My DD was able to have lots of nice memories with my grandparents when they were around...

Estrangements in my end in a different form.

Marg63 I think that's a l8vely idea . I send cards and gifts but not sure they are passed on .At least we can look back and know we did what we could .think I'm going to write notes to my grandchildren and keep for future .
Will write on their birthday and mine and Christmas .Thanks for your support

I think you are very brave to take the court proceedings as I'm still undecided. Always remember your doing what you can .good luck

It's heartbreaking isn't it Marg to know that our GC will either forget us because they are too young to remember the time we did spend with them, or wont have any memories of us at all because they never knew us.

Hi Brett I'm not sure if I've seen you post on the subject before, so if you're new here; welcome.

It must be extremely stressful dealing with the legal process and no doubt this is taking even longer due to the pandemic. I hope you are able to find some comfort in having been successful to get your case to court, as many GP's don't get that far.

Wishing you well for the next hearing. It would be lovely if you could let us know how you're getting on and if you just need to talk, we're all here for you.

A year ago this weekend was the last time I saw two of my grandchildren , it’s now in the hands of the courts but is so long winded , the next Court date is September and is expected to go into next year , it all seems never ending

I do think that's a lovely idea marg63 I'm so sorry you have missing out on your GC though.