Muffin - thanks for asking about my situation. My DH has been quite poorly over the last few days, his last round of chemo starts this week. I will be relieved when it's over, to be honest, as it will be his 8th round and is starting to take its toll.
Regarding my relationship with my DD and DGD, I find this difficult to answer. My DD is in touch virtually every day with photos etc and of course I still love her and I hope that we can continue to rebuild our relationship. But, honestly, although I try and generally succeed in being positive and moving forward, I still have down days when I feel that I am moving backward. The hurt was so deep that I grew a large scab/scar, the trust has been eroded, and I feel wary of being hurt again. She just wants to pick up where we left off, I think, but it is not that easy.
I respond positively to her messages and make it a rule not to message when I am feeling hurt and angry, which is much less often these days, partly because I have learnt coping mechanisms. This strategy works as, if I send positive messages, I receive positive messages back, but if I send negative messages , I receive negative ones back. So it is pointless - sending negative messages will just inflame the situation and will actually injure my peace of mind, at a time when I need to be strong for DH. So we have settled into a pattern of polite neutrality.
My therapy was useful as it taught me to stamp on negative thoughts and not let them develop and subsume me. I try to live for each day and to look for the joy/positives. Mostly, I succeed.
I see the photos of the DGDs and the oldest one is the image of me at her age, so I feel a connection, but not a bond, because I have only met her once in the two years since her birth. My instinct, which is usually right, tells me that we will be close in the future, that we will have that bond, that she is part of me and that I am part of her, but I don't feel it now, or don't allow myself to, because I am afraid of being hurt again. I am 90% sure that it won't happen again, but that 10% is disproportionately powerful.
My situation is the same as yours in some respects. When DD cut us off, I wondered what would happen if one of us were to be seriously ill. She actually does seem to be seriously concerned about DH and I believe - or perhaps I prefer to believe - that a lot of the problems were caused by her DH.
If she were not concerned about DH, I don't know how I would feel, but it would be difficult to continue the relationship, I think, at least for now - but I don't know as I am not in that situation. As I have said, I would go with my instincts and there is no right or wrong answer, but I really feel for you. It is an appalling situation.
All I would say is that, now that the relationship is back, I do not feel so upset or needy, that we are on equal terms. When we visited them earlier in the year (we have not seen them since because of lockdown and shielding DH), they said several times that we were privileged to see our DGDs and to be, in effect, 'allowed' a relationship. I replied that they were privileged to have healthy children and, that being so, why would they not want them to have relationship with the extended family, with people who would love them.
And now I think differently, not that I have suffered - although I have - but that DD has suffered in not sharing the joy of her first baby with her family. I am worth a lot, and you are too, so whatever you do, make sure that you remember that and do things on your own terms. Be strong!
Sending love X
Have you asked her why she is making these "rules"? Sorry if you have said before and I have missed it x
as much as you want to be able to see your GS, expecting you to make a 4 hour round trip to meet up in a restaurant or park is totally unreasonable even without the additional responsibility of your DH's care.
