SUPPORT for all living with the pain of estrangement

Thank you Smileless2012 I appreciate the welcome. I was recently removed from another site that I had been a member of for years. I didn't get much explanation apart from my comments about my daughter being justified for estranging me and explaining my behaviour were terribly upsetting to other forum members.

Graniesunite hello to you also!

Hello and best wishes to hugshelp madgran chewbacca and every one else who supports us here!

smileless

Petitfromage ... your post a out your therapy was so uplifting! I'm so glad you are finding ways to be yourself again.
Grandmasosad ... young people dont seem to accept the concept of the old saying we dont have to agree but we can agree we disagree, and put the topic aside.
So that leads to cutting off the person who disagrees like they are a cancer which might infect them or their families.
So very sad. For me also.

Thanks Namsnanny, my migraine has well and truly gone. Hadn't had one for a long time and you forget how horrible they can be.

smileless ... it's been nice reading about your trips, so very comforting to see you enjoying life
Hope your recovered from the migraine. Especially with all the sun around at the moment, which doesnt always help them!.

frendlyghost ... how brave of you to accept your share of the puzzle that results in estrangement!
Especially as this is your first post.
I think there are many factors that cause a relationship to falter.

Well I know I'm a technophobe FriendlyGhost but even I've never managed to start a discussion by accident; not to worry though.

As the thread title says, this thread is to give support for all who are living with estrangement regardless of their circumstances and all are welcome, estranged or not.

Good morning all. I hope you do not mind me joining the discussion. Estrangement has been a huge dark cloud over my life that has finally lifted but I wish to continue my journey to self improvement and perhaps lend a listening ear to other parents facing the same struggle. Many factors cause estrangement but for myself I had to come to the awful realisation that I was the problem.

Please forgive me if I don't get things right. I believe I have accidentally started a discussion rather than replying to one.

I hope you are all well

That was my mistake Madgran I rarely have to resort to yellow as pink more often than not does the job. Wont get caught out again.

I get migraines too smileless never go anywhere without migraleve pink and yellows!!

Great advice for Grandmasosad PF. It's so helpful for someone to be responded too by someone who has had the same experience, and yours in part, is as you say very similar.

TBH I was shocked when you said you'd read on Mumsnet the amount of support given to a DIL wanting to estrange her m.i.l. for holding different political views.

Is it any wonder there are so many cases of estrangement when some can discard a family member so easily and for so little.

I get migraine and really should remember to take my migraleve medication when we go away. If I'd taken just one tablet, the headache would have gone but as I'd taken paracetamol before arriving home, I couldn't take one.

In fact, I'm going to take a packet and put it in the bag I take to our lodge so I'll be prepared.

Smileless - I am sorry to hear about your headache but pleased that it has shifted. Be kind to yourself. xx

Grandmasosad - I am so sorry, that must be terrible, especially as you have had so much contact until recently. It's awful for the DGC too, who must be missing you terribly. I am sure that they will have been asking to see you and your husband. I am sure your DD must be missing you too.

It sounds to me as though your daughter is having problems with her mental health, as her reactions go way beyond what's normal. She may disagree profoundly with your political views, but that is absolutely no excuse for assaulting you.

The problems do seem to have built up since she married your SIL and I assume that he is not the father of your DGC. Never underestimate the power and influence a spouse or partner has in a relationship. My estrangement from my oldest DD, fortunately now healing, was instigated by my SIL. I know this, but what I can't understand is why DD went along with it.

In your case, from what you have said, your DD seems to be easily influenced, as she swapped her political views from yours to SIL's, when she is of an age to have her own views. I have the opposite problem with my DD in that she and SIL hold various views which I find abhorrent, whereas DH and I are more liberal, and my other DDs are 100% 'woke'! We studiously avoid potentially contentious conversations with DD1....!

You mention George Floyd and BLM, so you probably realise that this issue has aroused very strong emotions, so I would advise you to tread carefully. If you go onto the Mumsnet website, you will see that politics and other issues about which people hold very different views, have caused a lot of divisions within families. I was reading a thread a few days ago, where the DIL wanted to cut off her MIL because she disapproved of her views and didn't want the DCs to be contaminated. What surprised me was that the majority of posters thought that she was doing the right thing, whereas the minority said that it was wrong to cut GPs out because of a difference in political views.

I have been educating myself about 'white privilege' recently, encouraged by my younger DDs, as I like to be well informed on current issues. I do think that it is something that many white people do not fully understand and that everybody carries prejudices to a greater or lesser degree, whatever their nationality, religion or skin colour. The prejudice can be compounded if we are surrounded by people who share our views, a sort of 'echo chamber'. I would hate it if my DC or my DGC thought of me as racially prejudiced.

So, in your shoes, I would step back for a while, although I know that this is difficult. Do not chase her or take any actions which could be regarded as harassment. You have a strong relationship with your DGC and, given their ages, I feel sure that they will be back in your lives - it's just a matter of time. I also feel that your DD will be needing you soon too.

In the meantime, maybe you could read around some of the issues which have caused the disagreement, so that if and when there are any future discussions, you can respond from a position of knowledge and understand her views, even if you don't share them.

Good luck

hugshelp x

Well if there are problems at home that could go a long way to explaining her outburst.

Give her time to let things settle and hopefully, for her to think about how she's behaved and how unreasonable she's been.

You've built a close relationship with your GC Grandmasosad; they'll be missing you as much as you miss them and your D and I'm sure your D will find herself missing you too.

Oh dear Grandmasosad that really is sad. I wish I had some advice for you but I can only say we are here to listen, take care of yourself, and talk about whatever you need to. I do hope things turn around.

I find it very noticeable that being liberal, which supposedly means willing to respect or accept behaviour or opinions different from one's own, never seems to extend to respecting the opinions of people who have reservations about anything these days. And some of the people professing to be liberal will get really aggressive if you don't share their beliefs.

Hubby and I have opposing political views, but we have been able to get along quite happily for 40 years. It dismays me that people will disown their own family for having different views. But then it dismays me that all of us here have been estranged for a whole load of reasons, some of which we don't really know or understand.

Sorry no answers for you but we share your pain and are here for you.

Sorry your friend caused you pain smiles - we learn to fill our lives with other things but it is never far away.

I'm not a good sleeper either Granniesunite - I'll be sending you warm thoughts in the wee hours. x

@Smileless2012 thank you so much for the support. Her youngest is 4 now so I don't know if the postpartum is still an issue or just that she can't control us. She is a very smart, strong willed person, graduated top of her class in law school is a successful attorney and thinks that because she is more educated than us that we should just follow along with whatever she decides is the right way to go. I also have concerns about their marriage, so beside the politics I think there is something else in her life that is making her so unhappy. I do hope that she will calm down and let us back in. Thanks again.

Oh Grandmasosad that's terrible, I'm so sorry. Do you think that this latest outburst could also be connected to her postpartum depression.

It's very early days for you so no wonder you're so upset. Having had such close contact with your GC from such a young age may mean that your D's decision to keep you out of their lives, especially a 12 year old's, may not be as easy as she thinks.

I know this is easier said than done but for now, sit tight and see how things develop. You and your H clearly provide a lot of support by being there for the children so hopefully given time she'll realise that despite disagreeing with your politics, you're both an important part of her's and the children's lives and not easily replaced.

In the meantime, please talk to us whenever you feel the need. Those of us who are estranged will understand what you're going through and are here to give you whatever support you need.

Take care.

Hi, I'm glad I found this site and these forums. My daughter cancelled my husband and I from their lives a month ago. We have 4 grand children, one lives in Spain with our oldest son and we only see them about every 2 years but talk over video chat almost every week. The other 3 grand kids are our daughters kids and live here about 3 blocks away from us. She is the one who has shut the 3 kids out of our lives. They are 12, 7 and 4. We have had the kids in our home overnight at least one night a week since they could take breast milk in a bottle. We have been active going to school, sports, music and dance events. Talk to the kids on the phone several time a week. The problem started about 3 years ago during the last election cycle. Her politics had changed from ours after she married her husband and we started having discussions some rather heated. One so bad that she shoved me and knocked me down. For the last 3 years things have gradually gotten better, she went to counseling and realized that much of her anger was from postpartum depression. Things were going pretty good, we had started having a lot more family functions, me moved to a new house 3 blocks from them, my husband took early retirement so he could help with summer and after school child care. We had still been very active in the kids lives, and then the bubble burst. When all of the riots started over the police killing of George Floyd and BLM got active again, controversy over covid and of course a new election cycle is heating up. We were at her home for dinner and after dinner she started in on us over politics (she is much more liberal than we are) it escalated from a conversation to her hollering at us and it got ugly so we left. A few days later she sent us a text and told us that we were shut off from any communication with her or the kids. She said that she and her husband had decided that it was in the best interest of the children not to have our conservative influence in their lives. She won't return my texts, she won't let us see them or even call them. I am so sad I can't event talk about it with out crying. Any help or advice anyone has to help us get through this would be greatly appreciated.
thanks again.

Thanks Granniesunite my headache has finally gone; phew. Took 6 paracetamol, 2 every 4 hours starting at 6.00 am to shift it.

Petit fromage on sat 18 at 7.23. Fills me with hope that one day I’ll have a decent nights sleep again!
Many thanks for that.

Smileless hope the headache has disappeared by now and you’re feeling better. It’s symbolic of the life we lead in estrangement. Tension is never far away no matter what we may say to ourselves.

Patnglas2 it’s so good to hear that this long journey will one day become easier. Thank for that thought.

Back home again, everything put away and just my cat to collect later.

Went to some friends for a BBQ last night and goodness knows why the conversation got onto our estrangement. The 4 of us haven't talked about our ES for ages but my friend said she'd been thinking about it a lot because she's missing 4 of her 5 GC so much as she's only been seeing number 5.

She'd been thinking about how it must be for us and just couldn't imagine what we go through. I ended up with a headache which is only now, beginning to ease off.

Now I know why we haven't talked about it for so long.

Thank you for your encouragement everybody.

Great post PF - thank you, very inspiring.

chewbacca

Great post PF some useful thought processes to take on board.

One of my coping mechanisms, similar to your 'monkeys' I think is, just because someone throws a ball into the air it doesn't mean you have to catch it. There have been times when I've actually see in my mind, a ball landing at my feet and me walking away from it.

Those constant negative emotions of pain and anger are so detrimental to our physical and mental health and it's such a relief when they no longer dictate our lives on a daily basis.

It really does sound as if you've found the right person with the right approach for you.

I can understand your upset at your D's intolerant views and you're absolutely right to tell yourself she wasn't raised that way so this is nothing to do with you. You will be a positive and balanced source of information to your GD's and as you say, they'll develop their own views and outlook on life.

Poor Charlie; still not sure when we'll be able to pick him up.

Sending love and hugs to you and your DH x