SUPPORT for all living with the pain of estrangement

Perhaps not for those estranging but it's often the case for those who have been estranged to want justification for what has happened.

Not that that helps those left behind sad and true.

I don't believe that all AC have reason enough to estrange because I know from our experience that that isn't the case, and from the experiences of other EP's.

Unfortunately for those looking for answers, people who choose to estrange, wether AC, or in my case adult family members when I was a child, don’t need a justifiable reason or not. They are adults with their own agency who get to make that choice. Not that that helps those left behind.

Thank you NatashaGransnet.

Welcome to GN LHD. I'm sure you are not alone in still feeling the loss of family due to estrangement, despite having been the one who as you have said "cut the tie".

My mother died a couple of weeks ago and due to very difficult and rather upsetting circumstances my brother wasn't at her funeral, which TBH was the best thing for me. That said it's a difficult thing to come to terms with, if ever, so I understand why your sister's and her family's absence 4 years ago still upsets you.

It's very hard and painful to lose any member of your family due to estrangement especially as many as you have lost.

I'm glad you've found this thread. Rest assured it's OK to "throw a wobbly now and then"; we all do from time to time and we'll do our best to "catch" you, if you fall.

I'm glad I found this thread.

I am estranged from my older sister, and by extension her children and grandchildren, my cousins on our mother's side and their extended families. I haven't been invited to a family event for over 25 years now. They are the only living family I have left now, apart from my daughter. I have no grandchildren through my daughter's own choice, and I respect that.

I don't know what caused the rift. Something happened very soon after our Dad died in 1977 and that may have had something to do with it. My sister was definitely our Dad's girl, I was always closer to Mum. Mum was never perfect and there are things she did and said when we were children that I still feel angry about but she was a good woman and stood up for me many times when Dad became exasperated with me. I should perhaps say that sister was the calm, diligent, stable one and I, who have been diagnosed late in life with a high-performing autistic spectrum disorder, was wild and erratic. I also went to university which my sister resented but I don't think that was anybody's fault, just a shift in social expectations that happened during the five years between us.

For a while Sis and Mum would phone me to tell me how dreadful the other one was. As time went by Sister's comments became more vitriolic and she was passing those attitudes on to her children as they grew up. I tried to keep a bridge open between us in case her children wanted contact with their cousin, but they didn't. As Mum slid into blindness and dementia it was me that was left to do all the heavy lifting and when Mum died four years ago Sister and her family didn't even show up to the funeral. After that Sister phoned to say she was there if I needed her but to be honest that was too little too late.

It was me, not her, who cut the tie. I said there was nothing we had in common any more and perhaps we should just go our separate ways. I have no real family now and we were never close to begin with but I have a wonderful network of friends who catch me when I fall and understand when I throw a wobbly now and then. But it still hurts and I cry about it in bed late at night.

I don't know why you think that Starblaze. I am not an EAC but I was abused as a child and my post on that thread was all but ignored, as the majority of my posts are.

Not because they're confrontational or critical of EAC but because I am not an EAC.

There's all too often a veiled 'dig' in your posts. I would be welcomed as all estranged parents are, no matter if they don't communicate what their adult children have given as reason for estrangement.

What is that supposed to mean? Are you implying that when EP's say they don't know the reasons for their estrangement, they do know but wont say what those reasons are?

No one is or has ever said you are a bad person because you are estranged. Look at the majority of posts aimed either directly or indirectly at EP's; see the difference.

You're right Madgran and Chewbacca there's nothing funny about estrangement and I feel sorry for anyone who could ever find it so.

Starblaze your post at 13.38 today was neither kind, nor supportive. This is a support thread for EGP and is not the place for confrontational demands. There are a couple of posters on this thread at the moment who are enduring particularly difficult and emotionally painful events in the lives right now and I'm sure you appreciate the need for kindness and understanding at these times.

Petitfromage I really do hope that events today turn out much better than you're anticipating.

You're 100% right Madgran, no one who had endured estrangement, in all its forms, would wish it on their worst enemy. It's a lot of things, but funny isn't one of them.

Sometimes I wish I hadn't announced my EAC status on gransnet.

I feel that my general experience here will always be tarnished now.

I base this on the fact that I see non EAC ask the same questions or give the same advice as I do and the response is vastly different and they are pulled up rarely.

If I hadn't estranged my mum and started a thread in a different topic for those who experienced child abuse, again I feel the response would have been vastly different and I wouldn't have to experience some of the negative responses that came there.

I am estranged and that does not make me a bad person and my children will never estrange me for that reason as they agreed estrangement with me. If they do for other reasons, I will only blame myself. Let's hope that wouldn't be because of anything unkind said to me here and I would be welcomed as all estranged parents are, no matter if they don't communicate what their adult children have given as reason for estrangement.

I would not wish estrangement or even the fear of it on anyone, Parent, Child or Adult child.

Nor would I laugh/find a hoot/LOL anyone who is struggling with the pain of estrangement, even if I didn't agree with what they are saying, or think they need to look at their situation in a different way.

I have seen references to both scenarios on a range of estrangement threads, referring to EPs, referring to EACs and referring to Parents who fear estrangement.

In my view all are inappropriate and unkind.

That's a good point Madgran that the fact muffin's D sees her when her s.i.l. isn't around, shows she is still thinking about her mum.

Something to hold onto muffin so hold on tight.

I don't believe that all AC have reason enough to estrange because I know from our experience that that isn't the case, and from the experiences of other EP's.

I don't "wish the repetition of unhappy family cycles" which is why AC who estrange without good reason should be careful, that their children don't do the same to them.

Bearing in mind some of the recent posts here on this support thread from non EP's whereas it is not something I would have said, I understand why Yogagirl has done so.

There has been some disruption on here which is unfortunate but nothing we cannot overcome and the disruption has not been caused by the regular posters, or Yogagirl who is not as regular as she used to be, but has been posting on the support threads for almost 8 years.

Message deleted by Gransnet as it repeats a post that has since been deleted. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Muffin Glad that you saw your grandson. It is hard watching this happen to an AC ...the change is gradual and a coercive relationship develops so steadily over time until the person being coerced cannot see the wood for the trees and the behaviours become the norm for them. The fact that she has had contact with you when her partner was away for the day, shows something is still in her head about her family! I am not sure why she specifically wont hear anything about your husband ..is that her dad? Is there a reason for that from her perspective?

I hope that counselling can help you to deal with the emotional maelstrom this is for you. Any contact is better than no contact when you feel that your daughter is in such a difficult situation ...it means you can be there if she ever needs you if things go pear shaped and it means that you have some sense of how your grandson is doing.

That was a strange message that was posted by Bibbity I did not have a clue who she was talking about when she named the poster as P.P. it was for that reason I gave no reply to her.

PetitFromage you are having such a difficult time and the added stress of your DHs health deteriorating while all you can do is care for him and watch this is heartbreaking.
I hope the reunion with your DDs and GC are the tonic he needs and hopefully you will all have a lovely time
Do all enjoy your day together.

PetitFromage Really hope it all goes well. So sorry about your husband

Thanks Smileless your kind words and advice have helped me so much, hugs to you

Well I'm glad that you got to see your D and GS muffin.

I can understand why you feel "used and abused" because I'm sorry to say that you are. It's a stressful situation for you, your D and your D, the mother of your GS who is obviously in a coercive relationship.

So many once close and loving families are ripped apart by the controlling and manipulative partners' their AC form a relationship with.

It's a tragedy for all concerned, not least the GC whose relationships with their GP's are either prevented completely, or unfairly constrained and manipulated.

I hope you get some help with your counselling and you'll keep in touch so we know how you're doing.

Would also like to second the wise words of Smileless that i would never in my wildest dreams envisage my daughter doing this to us, we were a very close and loving family until she met her husband and his family, she had a few lovely boyfriends before and they were welcomed into our family, we knew something wasn't quite right about our relationship with SIL as he hardly spoke to us, always on his phone, but never dreamed this would happen as it was very gradual, and our daughter changed beyond recognition

Wishing you the very best of luck for today Petitfromage, yes Yogagirl think about that too looking into the future, I know my daughter will regret her actions, but it will be too late then.
Got to see my grandson again briefly at their house as told SIL working away that day, and my daughter messaged her to arrange it , it's becoming very obvious SIL is controlling her , was told again there's to be no phone contact between us still so back to square one, however it's alright for me to pay , bought some clothes for grandson, ordered takeaway and bought drinks when we met near her house, was told there's to be no talking about my husband, her dad, it was like she was talking from a script, i've decided i can't keep putting my younger daughter in the middle of this, she's told me it upsets her too much, and i'm feeling very used and abused, i'm waiting for counselling , the only thing keeping me going now is my little grandson, it was fantastic to see him just how i imagined him all these months in my head.

It can only be hoped that God forbid, if any of the EAC who constantly tar all EP's and EGP's with the same abusive brush, become estranged by their own AC, that they will receive the support, compassion and understanding they all too often fail to give So well put Smileless

Sending you love, hugs and willing you on as you face this weekend's reunion PF. I'm so desperately sorry that your DH's condition is deteriorating. Hopefully your understandable fears will be unfounded.

Your D's know how ill their dad is and I'm sure that they'll do everything and anything to ensure that this weekend goes as well as it can do.

That'd another weird event crazy did you keep the stone?

Thanks Yogagirl you're right, I am over tired but did manage to sleep well last night so I'll be back on the Horlicks tonight.

None of us know what the future may bring. You, me and so many of us would never, in our wildest dreams, have envisaged our AC walking away and taking our GC with them.

It can only be hoped that God forbid, if any of the EAC who constantly tar all EP's and EGP's with the same abusive brush, become estranged by their own AC, that they will receive the support, compassion and understanding they all too often fail to give.

Thank you Yogagirl. Speaking of strange things, I keep finding white feathers everywhere, including one fluttering against the window and several in the house. Bizarre, but oddly comforting.

Message deleted by Gransnet. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Petit I wish you the best of luck for today, fingers crossed that all goes well & you have a lovely time

Excellent: QuoteSmileless2012 Fri 02-Oct-20 13:38:21

I think your over tired S it's been a hard couple of weeks for you, I have Horlicks every night, it does help, plus a 'Kalms' one-a-night, they definitely help.

When my dad died unexpectedly, my mum's carer told me that that night she heard a tapping at my mum's bedroom window. All the carers at my mum's home agreed it was my dad, as he visited my mum every day.