SUPPORT for all living with the pain of estrangement

So, today is the reunion, postponed from last week, and sadly DH's condition has deteriorated a lot since then.

I am terrified, my head is all over the place, I have bought far too much food. I want it to happen but I also want it to be over. DD1 has not seen her sisters for four years and they haven't met their nieces. She is their sister yet she is a stranger. I even had to ask her what she could eat.

Life feels totally unreal, like I am floating and looking down at myself. I start therapy again on Monday. It seems selfish to do that, but I need to keep myself together for DH.

I want it to happen but I want it to be over. I want it to be a happy memory; at least we will all be together for what may be the last time.

Message deleted by Gransnet as it repeats a previously deleted post. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Bibbity -- The issue is some of Us do not rug sweep, ignore questionable behavior or blindly 'support' people who are contributing to their estrangement in a negative way.

The idea of support in my world involves being honest and real. I don't find it okay for someone claim, "What can I do to reconcile with my AC and grand-children? I didn't do anything to cause my estrangement oh, except threaten to take them to court to get what I want when I don't have a real reason to even go 'that route'."

My advice in that situation is to apologize and do it sincerely and keep repeating that apology with a promise to never even dream of making such a threat EVER AGAIN. Keep doing that until the AC understands/believes that the parent understands how wrong that threat was/IS.

It speaks volumes to me about anyone who can possibly think that behavior is any kind of okay. Telling such a parent they are doing 'nothing wrong' ('supporting' them) is not helpful and therefore, in my mind, is NOT truly "supporting". What doing 'that' is has a different name and it is not helpful in ending estrangement.

I too had a weird experience the other day. I found a heart shaped smooth stone (looked like one you'd pick up from the seashore) and it had a tiny sort of red inscription/signature on it. I had been to the Beach last summer and my grandson did pick up some stones, which probably I've thrown away. But how did this single heart shaped stone appear suddenly on my window sill?
Sorry for interrupting this thread.

I think you're on the wrong thread Bibbity, as I posted earlier this is a support thread.

Threatening a woman with court to force her to put her children into a situation that she isn’t happy with is disgusting.

I haven't seen a poster on this thread "admitting to despicable actions" Bibbity or on any other estrangement thread for that matter. There isn't anyone with the user name PP posting here.

If you do feel that a GN's treatment of, for example their D is "disgusting" that is only your opinion. We don't make judgements of that nature here as it is primarily a support thread, and even if we do disagree with how someone says they've behaved, we are not as judgemental in our responses.

Oooh well I'm glad I'm not the only one having 'weird' expereinces Chewbacca.

I've had a similar mystery this week to your open window Smileless. I inherited 2 garden sheds when I bought this house, one of which I've been in twice since I moved and store nothing in it because it's rotten with damp. So how come the garden hammock cushions, that I only bought this summer, are in there? I only discovered them when DS went to chuck a couple of bags of garden sand in the shed and asked "What's in that big blue bag Mum?" Who did that eh?

* It's a pity that there are EAC who cannot direct their pain and anger toward the parent(s) that have let them down, and not toward the EP's and EGP's here on GN.*

My posts as were others were directed at the poster who has come on admitting to despicable actions. So please don’t believe that my relationship or feelings with my MIL are in any way connected. She doesn’t feature in my thoughts or emotions.

I honestly feel what PP has done to her daughter is disgusting. And I and others have voiced that.

Smileless 2012
I do my best to keep communication going with my daughter
I do care about her and more about the GC. I am just plodding on for the moment and trying to stay sane as in the last nine days DD out of the blue has taken in some random person she does not know, she was introduced to him by a woman she chats to at the school and has no knowledge of his background.
If I shout too much she will just tell me clear off and don't come back so keeping up communication is allowing me to keep some kind of eye on the GC.
Never in a million years did I foresee that having GC could bring so much stress, where this latest carry on with her will end I do not know.

Hi Smileless2012
I do hope you are feeling you can get back to normality now the funeral is over. The whole thing is so draining and tiring
and sometimes when you get overtired sleep becomes impossible. Is there any chance the window could have blown open? I had the same thing the other week and just kept telling myself that I had not fastened the window catch the previous evening,
Have a nice cup of Horlicks it works well and if I miss a night of sleep I take just a half of a Nytol sleeping tablet, as nothing is worse than lying in bed wide awake.

Well this is just weird. I went into one of our spare bedrooms to get my jacket before we went shopping this afternoon and the window was open.

I hadn't opened it and hadn't been in there since changing the bed after one of my cousins had left on Wednesday; the window was closed. Mr. S. hasn't been in there either.

Now I am really tired, not helped by still being awake at
3.00 am this morning but not so tired that I would have opened the window and forgotten.

Bought some Horlicks and am hoping that will get me off to sleep tonight.

It's good to know that you and your D are still talking 3nanny. Long may your 'miracle' continue.

Thanks Yogagirl.

I agree that it can be helpful and informative to read posts from EAC PF. What is neither helpful nor informative is the apparent overriding desire from some to always cast the EP/EGP in the role as the villan.

It's very obvious here on GN that the EP's/EGP's when expressing their pain and anger do so in relation to their EAC and not to EAC in general who post here. It's a pity that there are EAC who cannot direct their pain and anger toward the parent(s) that have let them down, and not toward the EP's and EGP's here on GN.

We are not the parents who abused you. We are not your abusive parents who you need to protect your children from, anymore than you are our AC who have estranged us, broken our hearts and taken away our GC.

If we can see the difference, why can't you?

I have not posted on here for awhile mainly due to trying to keep up with every new event my DD brings into my life.
No details to give but we are still talking which in itself is somewhat of a miracle.

Like Natasha says the last few pages have become a bit heated.
Although I do agree with Petit Fromage that the EAC posts can offer a different perspective on things, and apparently this thread is not exclusive VIP just for EP

Many of us feel vulnerable hurt and in pain and look for some inclusion from others who feel the same.
I have not told any E.A.C not to use this thread if they want to come here so be it.

Yogagirl - I think, with some posters, you know what they are going to say and it won't be anything original, perceptive, or different from the last post. I suggest not reading them, just as you would avoid reading certain parts of a newspaper which are not relevant.

Personally, I welcome posts by EAC in order to gain a different perspective, and it is clear that they are in a lot of pain, just as estranged parents are. Some of that pain expresses itself in anger, which is one of the classic stages of bereavement, and the anger is expressed towards estranged parents on this forum as a substitute for expressing it towards their own parents. I don't think we should judge, but just accept that they are suffering too and detach to the extent that nobody should take any of these posts personally. I know it can be difficult when we feel vulnerable.

We certainly should not allow the thread to be derailed and should continue to support each other as best we can, including EAC, where possible.

Yogagirl

No doubt GNHQ will delete my posts, so our support page can be totally taken over by the estranging AC on here, leaving us Grandparents no where to post.

As has been explained many times, Gransnet will only delete your posts if you do not post within the guidelines.

Not because you are an estranged EP or for any other reason.

I don't bother reporting posts anymore Yogagirl.

This thread is supposed to be inclusive of EAC. Usually I avoid it though, I just felt I had to defend EAC against a sweeping generalised comment.

I'd be happy for there to be a seperate EAC support thread and a seperate EP support thread.

You should know though that despite clearly marking a thread for abused children EPs here don't respect that either so I don't know if other EAC would respect an EP only support thread as they have learnt we are not allowed our own a long time ago.

No doubt GNHQ will delete my posts, so our support page can be totally taken over by the estranging AC on here, leaving us Grandparents no where to post.

Message deleted by Gransnet. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Message deleted by Gransnet. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Grandmasosad How lucky are you, I'm happy for you. Here in the UK grandparents have no rights at all, the law should be changed. I went to court for visitation rights to my beloved GC but didn't succeed. So left to grieve for them the rest of my life.

Well done Smileless Yes you did your mum proud, glad for you that all went so well. God Bless xxx

Iam64 -- "it’s important we remember the title of this thread is about support for all living with the pain of estrangement."

And for those who truly understand abuse, there is a gap between truth/support and enabling. And when I say 'gap' I MEAN "We are talking about the Grand Canyon here."

True support is healthy. Enabling is as toxic/abusive as what abusers do if not more so...

So, I have to declare, "I'm sorry. I apologize. I will not tell an EP/EGP that they are doing nothing wrong when by their own comments/words are doing 'things' that to ME as an EAC would make ME react in the same way(s) that their own child did/is."

The alternative is, from my POV as an EAC is to say, "Absolutely! Threaten Me/your AC with legal action. THAT will absolutely make Me feel more 'love' towards You/make Me want to find a 'compromise' with You more..." but that would be a lie.