Do I tell my estranged sisters?

My sincere condolences for your loss Lexin.

I agree that you owe your sisters nothing, that said I in your position I would tell them that your's and their mother has died. I don't see what problems they can cause, their lies will mean nothing as everyone who knows how they've behaved will see any lies for what they are.

It would be unwise IMO to keep the news of her death from them as the last thing you need is to give them a reason to create unpleasantness.

Again, I'm sorry for your loss.

I agree with smileless, you have to tell them. I don't know what the rules are about funerals, but if you start arrangements right away it's possible they won't be able to attend, so that's one line of unpleasantness dodged.
I don't think you are honour bound to tell them the date and time but that's imo.
I.m sorry this has happened to you especially after the traumatic time you've had with the caring situation.
I just hope you don't find yourself in my situation and find she's left everything to your sisters because she made her will ages ago and hadn't got round to changing it. Do check

I think you should tell them as they will only use the fact that you haven't as a weapon against you in the future.

You can tell them in writing or an email if you don't want to talk to them.

Of course they need to be told you don’t have to get into any dialogue with them but they need the sad news
You cant not tell them their mum has died however poor they have been in their treatment
Very sad story

My brother was estranged from the family.
When my father died I phoned him immediately.
It was the right thing to do.

What a very sad story. You have had a very difficult time and I send my sympathy.

IMO you must tell them otherwise you may regret not doing the ‘right’ thing. You need no regrets, you need to get on with life with a clear conscience.

Their consciences are their problems.

I think you know that they have to be told. Does it have to be you who contacts them. Could your brother help with this? The sooner this is done the better.

I am so sorry that your mother's passing came with such difficult circumstances.

What are your reasons for not telling them?

You have to let them know, of course.
What a very sad tale.
You have all lost your mother. Sending hugs

She is their mother, do tell them

I can understand your reluctance but telling them is the right thing to do. I don't know who is technically or legally her direct next of kin but if you are not named as or not legally her next of kin that person who is has to be informed. Obviously, I don't know (nor am I enquiring) whether she left a will and if so what the terms in the will are. If she hasn't left a will and you are not the named next of kin it could open a can of worms if you do not inform your sisters. If she has left one and there is provision in it for your sisters, again they have to know.
I think you knew the answer to your question really but I understand your need to have confirmation from others.
Sorry for your loss ?

I also think you should tell them, you will just have to decide whether to tell them before or after the funeral.
Their behaviour has been dreadful but for them to find out by chance or from someone else outside the family would be awful.
I am estranged from my Father (his choice) but I will be very upset if someone in the family doesn't let me know when he passes away (he might be gone now for all I know)!

My sister abdicated from the family when my dad died,basically because she didn't want to help care for mum .Over the next 12 years mum was frequently ill and hospitalised,she was doubly incontinent and she demanded a lot of attention from my other sister and I .I cooked every meal evry day for her even when she was in a hospital for 7 weeks.When it began I had a 5 year old ,a teenager ,a business to run and a long suffering husband.When my mum was in her last days she told us not to tell mey sister as she didn't want her turning up at the funeral crying crocodile tears.
We didn't feel we could do that so we did tell her she did turn up.Supported on both sides by her inlaws and weeping buckets.She somehow let everyone think it was us who didn't want her to help with mum then she left.We haven't seen her in the 15 years since mum died.I dont consider her my sister and she apparently thinks the same ,her children weren't allowed to see mum,even now her children pass us in the street .Its sad ,but it cant be fixed.Let your sister know and then walk away ,she'll find a way to turn it round so you look at fault.I know I did more thancould be expected for mum so I have no regrets.Thats how you should feel.Take care,stay safe x

Hi all,

Thanks for your input in this. It is certainly something to think about so thank you. It’s just difficult as this will cause more confrontations. Hetty55, you asked why we haven’t told them. It’s really because of the way it all ended where my eldest sister sent me a message last year wishing my mum would die. She also told my mum that she wouldn’t be coming to her funeral last Autumn. My mum has done everything for her from helping her financially to buy her house to putting up her destitute boyfriend in her house. She has absolutely heartless. The 2nd reason is my middle sister is likely to cause confrontations regarding the inheritance. My mum changed her will last year cutting both of them out and forbade us from telling them. They have both before voiced concerns that my brother is likely to get a ‘free’ house when mum passes....and all this was a ploy to get the inheritance (my brother is pretty wealthy in his own right). My mum left a video will msg for them both as she was aware this could cause a problem. So really, we just want to avoid any confrontation until probate is completed. As we want a bit of peace to get through this grief.

Irrespective of all this mess and pain Lexin I would still tell them.
I'm sure it will cause problems but they will find out anyway and decide you are hiding things and worse. If you tell them you will know you have done the right thing.

Good luck.

Lexin : so sorry to hear of your mother passing away. Looking back on her life for the last few years it was not really happy, how sad that the other sisters showed little concern for her.

Considering the way your eldest sister treated her mother when she was her carer you owe her no consideration yourself.
I personally would arrange the funeral between yourself and brother and do it that way. As soon as you have had the funeral write to the sisters and tell them about your mum and leave them to it. You have had little contact with your sisters for several months so when this is over with just get on with your own life and do not see them if you don't want to. Stay safe in the times we currently are in .

Thank you nanny6. We were going to do exactly what you said. It seems that serendipity is at play as my middle estranged sister called today (Has had no contact since 24 Dec 2019) and left a message for our mum. She said she was worried as she had not heard anything. She then ended this by asking mum to call back ‘if she can’. Four hours later, I get a text from my estranged teenage niece (my mum’s only granddaughter but also estranged, daughter of middle sister), asking me one question “did she die in pain”.
She ended this message by saying her parents do not know that she’s texted me. I’m assuming that my niece is referring to my mum as ‘she’. There is no mention of loss, sorrow or any empathy. Nor any sympathy for what my brother and I are going through. But my niece did us a favour as she really put the spanner in the works for my sister and whatever game she is playing. So my sisters already know, we do know how or by who but that is now irrelevant.
So for now, thank you all for your messages. I am tired of all these games so after the funeral which is quite soon, we will leave a message to tell both sisters that my mum has passed away and say our final goodbyes to my sisters as well.
Nanny6, as you alluded to in your message, you are right; my brother nor I want anything to do with my sisters or their families. So very soon, we will be free from having to know or interact with such despicable people. I leave here with the knowledge that my mum passed away in the care of family that genuinely loved her. I hope everyone else here has someone in their lives that they can truly rely on in their time of need.

Lexin you may not read this but I am happy that yourself and brother can have the funeral for your mother. Once you have done that you can say a final goodbye to your two sisters as well.

I have some knowledge of how it feels as we had something similar in my family and the despicable ones we said goodbye to was the best thing we could have done. We have never spoken to them since.
Take care you have had a difficult time and now you have to grieve for your mother.

I know you have made a decision now but just wonder if by asking “did she die in pain” she might actually have been concerned? She obviously didn’t want anyone to know she was texting. It’s possible.
Please just text her if you can bear it. She is still young.

I hope when this is over you find a space to grieve and some peace. You have been through a lot.

I would advise telling her ASAP. Not telling her leaves you open to challenges regarding her estate and just sets up long term family problems. I'm so sorry for your loss. It's hard to lose your mum and at the same time be estranged from siblings.