Gransnet forums


Covid Has Made Me Realise How Alone We Are Now

(6 Posts)
MBM Sat 30-May-20 10:51:38

We have been estranged from our daughter for almost two years l know that’s not long compared to some ,
But this virus outbreak has brought everything into perspective.

The other evening l realised how alone we are, my brother died last year , my husbands only sister is 70 and lives on the other side of the world and l doubt we will ever see her again.

We will have to make out a new will as the one we have leaves everything to our daughter, since she divorced two years ago and was left a very wealthy young woman, she met a very controlling Younger man Who is in total control of everything.
We were always so close she phoned two or three times a day
We used to see them three times a week.
She stopped us contacting our grandchildren , who we used to see or speak to most days,
Ex Son in Law used to FaceTime us when they were with him,
our youngest who’s four said Nana why don’t you take me to school anymore?
My heart broke in a million pieces that day.
Then when our daughter found out she tried to stop the FaceTime, thank goodness he stood up to her .
But now he has a new lady in his life and the contact has stopped once again,
I wonder if they think we don’t love them, we can’t even explain why we can’t see them.
The virus brought everything home to us that we have no other family, and few friends.
We don’t socialise as l have Secondary Progressive M S so l can’t get out as l used too and you find friends fall away .
I’ve also found myself thinking l hope my husband goes before me,( Dreadful thought l know ) but he couldn’t cope and wouldn’t know where to begin . I would have to go into a care home .
The question I’m left with who will sort thing out ie funeral home clearance the things that have to be done.
Sorry for sounding so defeatist but lm really at a loss for answers.
Stay safe

OceanMama Sat 30-May-20 11:05:37

MBM, I know the scary feeling of being all alone. I have a fear of getting seriously ill because I am needed to give long term care to a family member. I have no family that don't live with me around and, because of being a carer, few other connections. I hold onto the thought that things have a way of working themselves out somehow. Sometimes because there is no other choice. Is there a social service you can call on to stay connected to, to provide helps if it becomes necessary? They can put things in place for anything that might happen. I just put trust in the idea that things will work out somehow.

We don't know what the future brings and I hope your daughter, and your grandchildren who obviously remember you, might seek out connection again one day.

jaylucy Sat 30-May-20 11:13:31

So sorry to hear about this.
Unfortunately some adults are so selfish when it comes to children, only thinking of their own thoughts and needs rather than the children's
As far as the GC are concerned, can you text/ facetime /write to your ex SiL to say how much you miss the GC (and also him too) and see if that re instates contact ? Quite frankly, new partners really have no rights when it comes to their partners children from a previous relationship, unless they are the primary carers so I wonder if your SiL has been denied access to his children by DD new partner if that partner is so controlling ?
It will take time to sort out, but don't give up hope that contact with the GC has been completely severed.
As far as funerals are concerned, you can pre arrange a funeral ( and usually pay in advance) and specify what sort of funeral you would like right down to the hymns and music you would like or it can be done as part of your will.
Please don't think you are alone. For a start there is always other Gransnetters more than happy for a chat. Contact your local MS society or MS group on Facebook. If you and you husband have any interests, Facebook usually has a group or forum to join that you can chat to people on. I know it is not the same as physically meeting people, but who knows? Several people I have met on FB have become firm friends for me, you can always facetime with them at some point in the future and even meet up if you wish.
May you get a chance to get some sunshine on your face and a chance to watch the birds butterflies and bees. Just seeing that blue sky is a joy.
May you and your husband stay safe and things seem a whole lot brighter soon.

Smileless2012 Sat 30-May-20 12:02:52

I'm sure that a lot of us who are who have been estranged have had similar thoughts MBM so you are not alone.

Estranged from one son and our other son living in Australia, so far away has made us think about our own situation during this lock down, more than before.

It's good that you had a relationship with your GC before you were stopped from having contact. They'll have memories of you and may well contact you when they are older.

In the meantime have you thought about starting a memory box if you haven't done so already? If you send cards at birthday's and Christmas you could do what we've been doing and buy 2 each time; one to post and the other to put in the memory box and that can be left to your GC in your will, in case you don't get to see them again. They'll know from the cards and other things you may out in the box, for example photo's of time spent together, that they were loved and never forgotten by you.

I was going to say the same asjaylucy about making your own funeral arrangements in advance; doing so may at least alleviate that worry.

You'll need of course to see a solicitor about your wills, telling him/her your reasons for not wanting your D to inherit so that the will can be made as water tight as possible to make contesting it extremely difficult.

10 years is a long time; I'm so very sorry. 7.5 for us and yet it feels like a life time; that when he was in our lives it was another life altogether.

You don't sound defeatist and you're not defeatist. You've been living with the pain of losing your D for a long time and now, you've lost all contact with your GC.

You're not alone either. There are several GN's here who like you and me, are living with the pain of estrangement and we do what we can to be here for one another and give support.

As jaylucy has posted, good friends can be made on line; I've made a few here on GN.

Take care MBM flowers.

Sparkling Mon 01-Jun-20 06:45:55

MBM I am so sorry you are in this position, unfortunately many people end up alone, so you're not alone in that. There have been excellent suggestions made on here. When this Pandemic has run its course, whilst you and your husband still can, make the most of all you do have, meals out if possible maybe a holiday, treat yourselves, for now you have each other so make the most of that. Lots of people spend time worrying about things they cannot change, it's a good job I didn't have a crystal ball because I would have said I can't cope with what life would throw at me, when it happened I did.

Alexa Mon 01-Jun-20 09:14:02

MBM, there are people who have to go into care, or die, and have no relatives to clear up their affairs, and to bury them. I am sure social services have something in place.

However, why not name a trusted solicitor to see to these sad matters in the event they happen?

I hope you find others who can be trusted friends in similar situation to yourself.