Why do our adult children do this to us?

Sparkling can you show me an EAC on gransnet who has said that everything is 100% their parents fault?

Granted, when you raise someone from a newborn baby and they remain dependant on you until reaching adulthood, they are 100% an innocent child and dealing with any problems/issues that may cause bad behaviour is something they cannot do without parental help/support/consent in a lot of cases. Yet... I've never seen any E(adult)C, here, claim to be perfect or 100% innocent of any wrong doing.

Can you show me proof of that statement?

The sad thing those EAC who seem totally consumed to the exclusion of all else, of their terrible parents, who did not understand them, thus making their childhoods unbearable as indeed the present is in remembrance of it. As everything is 100 percent their parents fault. Surely, getting the results they have , no contact, they should just enjoy what they have.

That's a good point moggie the role of a controlling partner is often underestimated when it comes to estrangement or as is in your case low contact.

Parents in this situation often remark on how the relationship with their AC changed when they married or became involved in a long term relationship.

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maybe she got a controlling husband .my daughter changed when she got married and left me out of a lot of things ,she still does.she never contacts me to see if i am ok .the only time she knows if i am playing games on facebook ,though she did come up sundasy afternoon day before my birthday with the grandchildren ,but she still wont allow them in my home,..and yes i got cards from them but no gifts .her excuse oh i havent been shopping for months and months, but she does her shopping online .a box of shortbread doesnt cost that much..

I do think that change has happened in general over time though

Yes I think that is true. That's how change happens really.

I suppose I don't tend to think in terms of generations generally.

You need to take care of yourself Fuchsiarose. There's nothing you can do, it is out of your control so until anything changes, focus on what you can do to help get you through this heartbreaking situation and look to the future.

That may still come Fuchsiarose but in the meantime, as Starblaze suggests, counselling may help you come to terms with the estrangement and build your understanding of how things went wrong.

You’ll then be in a better position to move forward should your daughter change her mind.

Thank you. It means a lot. I so envy other mums who maybe have a D who arrives to go shopping and have lunch out when time permits

Fuchsiaose do the counselling for you anyway. It helps

Shes very highly educated too... maybe that's where I went wrong...

Thanks. I spent 35 years asking her opinion, asking her to choose a counsellor. Some people just enjoy the twist of the knife. ie. D. I am crying again now, because everytime I think she might suddenly have an epiphany. It's a red herring.

Fuchsiarose your comments are so at odds with each other. Look where you mind went first, maybe the same happened when your daughter had issues. Sometimes it's easy to go with what society has taught us has value.. Ie: stuff.

I don't personally think there is anything wrong with today's young adults. Society has enough people who lack empathy and go around harming others and themselves. It's a good thing that we become more sensitive. It's actually stronger than people think.

If your daughter has declined counselling, that's hard. Have you tried offering to let her choose a counselor? Sometimes that helps.

Otherwise I expect there is nothing to be done other than respect her decision and find happiness for yourself.

Thanks . She also had love, attention, kindness, emotional support, a mother who was always there for her...? Not one of the strong discipline types. I believed in positive reinforcement. Never blame the child, just the action. I believed in reasoning with her regarding issues in life. Clearly, I loved her too much, otherwise I doubt she would have the power to hurt me so much. There is a difference between nature and nurture . Her personality is what it is, I have asked her to do mother and daughter counselling. The answer is no. Sometimes we go to our grave waiting, as I will.

Well no Madgran cos we exist lol

I do think that change has happened in general over time though

I was brought up and also brought up my own children to value time, attention, emotional support, understanding over "stuff". I agree with you Starblaze it is pretty mature; not just the younger generation though?

Fuchsiarose a lot of the younger generation now value time and emotional support over "stuff".

That's actually pretty mature if you think about it, to value emotional connections with others over what they can do for us.

I fully agree and support this with my own children.

*do not let anyone dim your flame*; I like that Fuchsiarose.

Hello polly. You could be describing my daughter. I am so tired of the..... it must be the parents fault brigade. My D had ballet, gymnastics, archery, basketball, holidays, school holidays abroad, theatre trips, film trips, and parties , sleepovers etc. You name it she had it. So this, poor me, generation is becoming tiresome as well. Polly, it's not you, its the era we now live in. Stay focused on your happiness, and do not let anyone dim your flame. Most of us, were good enough mothers. Our kids need to mature, before it's too late

there's also NSPCC.

If you think children are being abused contact The Childrens Society. They do more than SS to protect kids

Hello polly 75. You could be writing my story. It is so similar. I sometimes see my D but it descends into swearing etc ... and the stress has become too much now. I am just waiting for a book to arrive called done with the crying by sherrie macgregor. Full of mums like us. I can only suggest leaving the door ajar. Sending b day cards etc. Leaving presents for grandchild so they know you havent forgotten them. Stay strong and stoic. Surround yourself with good friends. One day your D may become an adult. I still hope mine will.

It's an interesting point Lolo but TBH wasn't an issue for us.

The only 'expectations' we had were what I think all P's who know they're going to be GP's have, that we would get to know our GC.

They asked me if I would help out with childcare 3 times a week, it wasn't something I'd expected but would have been more than happy to do. When they moved to the village where we lived before they got married and had children, just 15 doors away, I did jokingly ask our now ES if he wanted to be near his mum and he said 'no, just near to free child care'.

I think when a relationship, like the one you had with your m.i.l. disintegrates over a period of time, it can well be due to mis matched expectations, with one or both not listening to what's being said and not taking the opportunity to step back and begin to, at the very least, limit the damage.

Our problems became evident when our ES's wife became pregnant although at the time we hadn't realised how things were going to turn out. We were finally estranged when our GC was 8 months old, so even if we took the disintegration back to the beginning of her pregnancy, the whole thing was over in under a year and a half.

You've articulated your own experience very well and I hope that your post is read by those whose relationships are suffering due to mis matched expectations.

This has worked in the past, we've seen GP's whose expectations are completely unrealistic. Some have taken on board the advice that's been given especially when it's sensibly and kindly put, like your posts are.

Lolo81 -- Unfortunately the approach you are using has been tried before. It doesn't work.

Why it doesn't work, like what the 'mismatched expectations' are, is also up for debate. Check the 'Common Themes' and 'EAC' threads...

Any mismatch would result in conflict I suppose and then it leads to that death by 1000 paper cuts kind of feeling on both sides where the smallest thing is what lights the blue touch paper.
I eventually estranged from my MIL, it took me years to finally cut her out and the thing that finally did it for me was her giving my youngest liquorice! On its own it sounds so bloody petty. But it was definitely the straw that broke the camels back for me, after years of condescension, favouritism and manipulation.
When I think back now I know I was a pushover for too long and I do wonder if I’d have been assertive sooner if I could have tolerated her a bit better in the long run.
I suppose I’m coming at it from a perspective of someone whose MIL wasn’t classically “abusive”. She wasn’t dangerous or obsessive like some of the EP’s I read about. Our relationship disintegrated over a decade before I had enough.
I think my hope (perhaps naively optimistic) is that by commenting on these threads maybe I could prevent someone else from suffering the way I (and I suppose my MIL) did by saying where we went wrong. Hopefully I’m articulating this in the right way.