Why do our adult children do this to us?

Lolo81 -- I fully agree that mismatched expectations leads to most estrangement situations.

What those mismatches are is what is up for debate...

Honeybee/smileless, don’t you think perhaps that some of the issues with your DIL’s are maybe down to exactly what you’ve described here? Mismatched expectations? You’ve both obviously had ideals of what grand parenting would look like to you, but sometimes (and I’m not saying that’s the case for you) I feel that the expectations of the parents and grandparents do not match up which causes friction and that sort of domino effect of conflict.
It’s just an observation based on looking at various estrangement threads.

It is hard I agree Honeybee when our friends are talking about their GC and doing the things we always thought we'd be doing, never dreaming that things would turn out as they have.

I've never understood why some of our d's.i.l. despise us; the very people who raised the young men they fell in love with, married and fathered their children.

You've done the right thing taking a step back as damage limitation is all you can do in the circumstances. Are you still in contact with your son?

Isn't it hard for us parents (of once close adult children) to step away with dignity, especially when close friends talk endlessly of their family weekends and grandchildren babysitting? I'm losing my DS ( my daughter-in-law despises me ). I've taken a big step back because I think that's easier and makes my son's life less stressful (trying to be a diplomat....he knows I'm only a text away). I still slightly envy my friends who have such easy times with their adult family.

holy hannah,
i like your analogy with the film director.
but some of them may be deluded, rather than dishonest.
remember that film about the rich woman who thought she was top opera singer, hired carnegie hall, was painfully off-key.
florence foster jenkins. that really was a great film, about a sadly deluded person, true story.

HowlongcanItakethis8, sorry you have had these difficulties.
one thing i didn;t understand about yr story.
if you saw bruises on yr GD and thought she was being abused, why didn't you report that to child protective services, rather than going to court to try to get visitation rights.
that seems a rather long way round.
if you still have concerns about yr GD, could you report that now. even if you don't know their address, the officials will.

You do have someone you can talk too HowlongIcantakethis you can talk to estranged parents and estranged grandparents here on GN.

There's a support thread here for all living with estrangement where you may want to post.

I'm so sorry for what you're going through and for the worries you have for your GD. You are not alone, there are estranged parents/grand parents who understand your pain and are here for you.

I've private messaged you.

I have been going through this off and on for the last 7 years. Every time I don't do what she wants she cuts me out of her life. I don't even want her in my life anymore. I have not seen or talked to my granddaughter in almost two years. I don't know where they live or anything. I took her to court to try and get visitation because her boyfriend and her were mistreating my granddaughter. She would come to school with bruises on her face and body and would always be hungry. She has another son by him but they both decided that when she got pregnant that she did not want me around him. I was fine with it because I never got a chance to bond with him. Once she saw that I was doing everything for my granddaughter and did not do anything for him she and her boyfriend decided that I could not see my granddaughter. I really don't care if I ever see her again. I only want to see my granddaughter. She lied in court and the judge believed her. I know my granddaughter is being abused. She has alienated her only brother and her father who she had not spoken to in over 10 years and he died last year and she attended the funeral like she was a wonderful daughter! She is a monster. I know I will never see my granddaughter but I need to get over the pain. I lost my job because I could not function. I can't eat or sleep. I have had suicidal thoughts and I struggle everyday just to get out of bed. I Have no family or real friends. Just wish I had someone to talk to.

As you've posted Rachel it's hard to put into words how heartbreak being estranged from your own child is. I'm so sorry you're having to live with this too.

Polly,
I am so sorry to hear of your pain. I also have a daughter who will no longer have any communication with me. It is hard to describe the level of heartbreak it causes

Hello Polly So sorry to hear your sad story. Same as mine, my daughter became rebellious at 13yrs. At 20yrs she came back to live with me as she was pregnant & father didn't want to know. We were very close & when the baby came along we were a tight little loving unit, along with her elder sister, life was good.

She later met, married & moved out with her husband, still we were very close. She & my GD would phone me every day.
One year after they married, I along with her sister & slowly the rest of the family were cut out. Not seen her for 7.5yrs now

I heard it said that the CO GP that faired the best, were the ones that just went along as if nothing was wrong, visiting when allowed, sending the odd txt etc. until things went back to normal. If I could turn the clock back, that's what I'd do, going round with Xmas/birthday gifts, leaving them on the step if not allowed in.

I've only read the first page, will read more another day. You have some good replies & advise here. Just be aware of a few posters who seem to hijack these estrangement threads & say some very mean things, they are the long winded, constantly posting posters, so try to take no heed of them.

God bless xx

OK Madgran

"Any chance of ...." implies very different!

Glad you liked the response even though not it was not made in response to your "Any chance of..."

Not playing this game Starblaze, you know perfectly well unless you have a very short memory and I am leaving it there. Respect and all that!

rosecarmel -- Exactly.

My 'mom' feels We had a "good relationship" -- I felt beaten down and unable to speak my most basic reality... That I didn't like how she treated Me.

This went on for decades before I came out of the FOG and started asking, "Why don't I like how my 'mom' treats Me? Why does how she treats me makes Me feel 'bad' not just as someone who has done something 'wrong' but as a person as a whole? I don't believe I am this 'ugly' terrible thing that she 'sees'? Why does she (and her enablers) see Me so harshly when new-comers seem to like Me?"

The reality is she had a perception issue with Me. She saw me through a dirty lens and then "directed" our family with that 'truth'.

Madgran I don't understand you?

I asked you to address it, you did, I said it was brilliant..

What have I done wrong here?

One person's feelings does not = another person's reality....

Yes-

It's possible I stopped talking to my mother because I realized we were not getting along and also realized that I couldn't deal with that reality- Because it hurt- And because it hurt, I realized it was ignorant to continue-

I asked you to address it Madgran because I liked your take on it before...

Really! That passed me by subsequently!

To self-review is fine...

But if your "self-review" of being a 'good' parent is not agreed upon by your child(ren) then the fact You think/believe you were a 'good parent' now comes into question...

As I have said before, the parent is the Director of the film... The Director thinks the movie is the best ever and yet the audience walked out. The reviews for the movie (outsiders looking in) were not good either...

Is the Director/parent being honest about their movie/parenting?

My opinion is, probably not.

I asked you to address it Madgran because I liked your take on it before...

Any chance you could address what Sparkling said Madgran and Smileless

I hadn't seen this comment when I posted above!! If I had seen it I would have referred to it in my post! I find it rude.

I decide what I comment on just as we all do! I do not understand why you would specifically ask me to comment Starblaze particularly as I have commented in similar vein previously on the use of the word "damaged" as you well know.

No point continuing this; what a shame!

One person's feelings does not = another person's reality....

I would think at our ages that would be generally known as fact...

Excellent post Madgran far too many judgements are made about posters especially on the estrangement threads.

Brilliant Madgran

I think it is inappropriate to call people "damaged" on a public forum. It is emotive and easily interpreted as insulting even if it is possibly not meant that way. I don't know how someone means it when they write it on a forum, but then it is easy to misinterpret what is meant by a lot of what is written.

I think it is safer to apply damage as a description to events/experiences rather than people, as in certain experiences can cause damage. People who have experienced things in childhood or adulthood, estrangement, abuse, coercive control or whatever may well experience/feel damage ...but on a public forum there is no way of knowing whether they have, how they have dealt with that damage they perceive or experience or where they are in any process of recovery or otherwise.

Of course when anyone describes their experiences it is likely that readers will make judgements about the impact of those experiences, based on what is described, style of writing and expression and all sorts of other factors that are part of engaging with others on a public forum, but there is no way of knowing so seems best not to assume.

Obviously anyone reading the estrangement threads would find more comments like that of Sparkling and examples of the other things I mentioned earlier.

They would see clearly that those comments were not pulled up by other estranged parents and often they would be sent grinning faces, flowers or generally otherwise awarded for that sort of thing.

Which is why I feel estranged children aren't wanted here. By some

Its not a huge leap.

There are also some very lovely estranged parents here that sadly aren't here very often.