Daughter’s birthday, should I send her a birthday card ?

You did right I think, and can take comfort in that you tried. Give it time, and just get on with your life. All the best to you.?

I'm sorry it didn't work out Dibbydod you are right to focus on your own life now

To Rhinestone , and for everyone else who kindly gave their opinions on this , yes , I did send her a card after , bought a nice quality card that with a picture on it that I knew she would like , but just with a simple message of Happy Birthday on the front, I’d also included small but expensive gift that I knew she would like , with a short note inside saying that “ I couldn’t just leave her birthday pass by and that I wish that she would contact me as I love and miss her “ I’d gift wrapped it up and put in the envelope along with the card .I’d wrote on the card ‘ with love from Mum xx “ . I just popped it in through the letterbox myself when she was not at home . That has now been month ago , and I’ve heard absolutely nothing from her in any which way or form .
Of course it hurt me badly , and at the worst time of my life after losing my beloved partner , I was at rock bottom and she knew that .......but that said , I’m hardening up towards her , I’m beginning to feel that I don’t “ like” her anymore , and I’m not even sure if I’d ever want her in my life again anyway . I’ve also removed all the photos of her about the house as I don’t want to be reminded of her . Sounds harsh , but , she has hurt me so very badly , so bad that only a mother could understand. I’m not an awful mum , I’m just human with human feelings. Hope you all understand . And thank you all , was a great help for me during that time. x

DibbydodJudt wondering how it went with your daughter. Did you send the card?

Just read through most of this.
Of course send her a card simply saying I am so sorry - Love you so much, miss you very much and best wishes for a happy and lovely birthday.
Think if I was the daughter, son, sister (any relative) of quizqueen I would be delighted to be estranged from her!!!

I agree with your post on 5th Aug. @ 2.34 Rhinestone.

There's no need as an adult to have any contact with someone whose abusive, but of course it's very hard to make that decision when you love the person who is abusing you.

For some EP's that decision to a certain extent, is made for us. We may be relieved that because our AC has estranged us, we are free from their and/or their partner's abuse; control and manipulation but that doesn't negate the pain we have for no longer having them in our lives.

Sending you good wishes Dibby and hoping that something positive comes from the card you've sent.

Hope things work out for you both Dibby

I would suggest that you send one to her - then you are trying to keep the door open to her.

You've done as much as you can Dibby; I wish all goes well for you.

I’d like to say thank you to everyone who replied, it’s helped me so very much . My daughters birthday was few days ago now , and after reading all your kind and helpful messages I decided I would send her a simple but nice birthday card ,and just signing it .... ‘ with love from Mum x ‘. ....,,Thought this the best way as then not being intrusive but just kindly thought from her Mum ....I just hope that this situation will eventually be resolved and we can be the happy family we once used to be .x

Meant Post sorry.

HolyHannah-No. No one owes an abuser anything but Razzy is still doing for her. There must be a reason there is not a complete break. And of course what is abuse is different to many people I guess. But if you continue to see the abuser than
complain about seeing them, it does seem counterintuitive to your mental health. If a parent put you down, called you names, bullied, neglected or physically abused you then you are correct, there wouldn’t be any need to see that person.
So it’s confusing to me why there is contact.
I didn’t see Razzy day there was abuse . I just saw her say it was inconveniencing her life and costing her money. Am I missing a pist?

Rhinestone -- People who have to deal with abusive parents or parents with unrealistic 'expectations' of their children get very tired as being seen as the "problem".

"Maybe you could be part of the solution by having a talk with her and explaining your problem." -- This 'solution' is a useless endeavor. As soon as you try to explain "your problem" it becomes more abuse. How dare you have 'problems' especially if you think they are the 'problem'?

"In all fairness she did spend tons of money raising you." -- So what. I was planned and 'wanted' by my 'mom'. I didn't ask to be born and didn't sign a contract saying because she 'raised' me I owe her. I don't owe my abuser anything. No one owes an abuser anything.

RazzyJust wondering if you have time to even see friends. You sound so busy.
Maybe you could help your mom find a handy man to help her so you wouldn’t be burdened of having to see her once a week.
Maybe you could be part of the solution by having a talk with her and explaining your problem. In all fairness she did spend tons of money raising you. Maybe there is a “ home” you could put her in where you have no responsibility.

Rhinestone don't be embarrassed. I don't have much experience with Bipolar, just one friend who discribes her emotions and mental health as a roller-coaster and I'm happy to ride it with her. I don't understand it though or what it feels like. How can anyone, even the person suffering, when they have no other way of being to compare it with?

Like when I am depressed or anxious, I know I am. I have experience of not being those things to compare it to.

I think you just need to know and understand that you handled that situation as best you could and there is nothing you can do to make another adult understand their own minds when they have something like that to deal with. That's why we have professionals with years and years of training yet we can't force another adult to go to them either.

Be gentle with yourself

I’m embarrassed to even be writing this because of how stupid and childish it all is.

Dont be embarrassed Rhinestone , the "smallest" things are big if they matter to someone in these difficult situations

Starblaze I really think there are some mental issues with my son . My brother has them and my mother is bipolar. So it’s in the gene’s unfortunately and I thank my lucky stars everyday that I was spared. My DS wanted my daughter to apologize for hitting his hand away when it was in his face after HE started two ridiculous fights that day over global warming and her beliefs. When her daughter asked for some candy he screamed four letter words calling her a s.... mom and on and on. He put his finger in her face and she hit it away. He wanted her to apologize for that which she did in text to everyone. He called us the next day to talk about her. I explained that they were both wrong him for his starting of the fights and her for hitting his hand away. My husband told him that we had discussed her part in it with her. He didn’t believe us and thus the estrangement. But he kept upping what he wants. He won’t talk to us until she now apologizes in person. She all ready did In text but he is upping the anty so to speak. I’m embarrassed to even be writing this because of how stupid and childish it all is.

Rhinestone it must be awful for your children fall out. I don't know what I would do in that situation. It does worry me though as I no longer speak to my brother but we didn't fall out until after the estrangement and it was his choice.

What happened between them? If they were able to repair things would that make it better for you?

Re OP I was talking with a friend about how we both have mothers on their own, and how selfish and demanding they have gotten as they got older. There have been times I’ve had to distance myself for my own mental health. I work 2 jobs, but shifts, have a young child, and not a huge amount of time. My mother will constantly guilt trip me, playing the “woe is me” card. She doesn't drive but can walk to local shops. She has plenty of money and could easily afford a taxi to the shopping centre. She wants me to go over all the time, get this, fix that, take me to the shopping centre. I do it all and it costs me a fortune, in fuel and getting stuff, she rarely even offers to pay for a coffee when I take her out. I get stressed out and lose a day out of my week. If she got even more needy I would probably have to distance myself more. I don’t have the capacity for it. So I think we must really bear in mind that if we expect children to stay in touch keep it light and fun, don’t moan, don’t expect your children to do everything for you, mental or physical. When my dad was alive there is no way on earth she would have expected him to give up a day each week to see her mum. She used to visit twice a year! But because I’m a woman she thinks I should just do it.
Send your daughter a card, brief message, nothing more, Xmas and Birthday. If she gets in touch ask about her, be positive, don’t complain. You might start to build bridges. Ask her what you can do for her.

It's such a waste isn't it Rhinestone, all that time that neither of you can ever get back.

Starblaze While it’s true that some are not good communicators, that shouldn’t stop them from wanting to repair a broken relationship. Showing that you would go to counseling or listening to what the other person has to say means you intend to make amends. I’m sorry that didn’t happen for you. And like you but in an opposite circumstance, I have tried everything to get my son to explain what happened. But, as he lives with my X and has not worked in two years, there is more to this story . He is using his silly fight with his sister as an excuse to not see me. He THINKS that I sided with his sister when my DH and I told him we didn’t . No abuse from us just a perceived notion that we took her side . How wasteful of both our lives to allow an estrangement for three years. Even my X has said it’s all so petty but that he clearly has some irrational mental issues. And being an adult who thinks he’s always correct , he’s not going to get help.

Some people aren't good communicators Rhinestone I've always been very wordy and filled with the determination that I can make someone understand if I just put the right words together in the right order. So putting an end to contact was hard for me because I had to know that I had tried my best and didn't realise I was just repeating myself in different sentences.

It must be very painful for you to not have had that. Maybe it would have been painful if you did too as others have said. It's a tough one. Maybe one day he will be able to do so. We can't always fix things, especially mental health problems, no matter how much we want to. It has to come from them as adults in charge of themselves

Starblaze To me being dismissed or laughed at is horrible. I’m sorry she couldn’t be more open to communication and your feelings. I wish my son would tell me anything and I would go to counseling in a minutes notice.
It sounds like you tried and for that you have my admiration. Mental illnesses are tough because we try to be the rational one and they cannot be.

Rhinestone yes I did try to discuss it. I'd tried to discuss it as it was happening but she could deny saying something 5 minutes later or simply dismiss it no matter how much pain she caused me. I discussed in depth what the problems were and why not stopping them meant I would estrange and also sent a long contact with my reasons. I do think she has a mental illness but she is in control of who she targets with it and hides it from others. Yes I did offer to go to counselling, she laughed at me. I think it's probably fair to say I tried every approach possible to have a good relationship with her.

I don't want to give too much detail or depth incase she found me here. To be fair though I've heard the same story told back to me by many other estranged children.

Thank you for inquiring Starblaze
I am doing ok. I’m trying to u derstand both sides of this . I hope you won’t mind me asking if you ever tried to confront your mother about what she did? Does she have a mental illness perhaps?
Would she have gone to counseling with you?