Daughter’s birthday, should I send her a birthday card ?

Dibbydod

Toetoe

Dibbydodd

This is my first post on here , up until now I have been an observer . So sorry to hear your deep loss and sadness . I have a sister who is suffering very deeply because of a similar situation . My dear poor sister is trying to understand all the reasons why too , she is now having counselling help and has me to support her . We both loved our mum so much but due to circumstances were unable to spend time with her due to distance. We would never have hurt her . Personally I would suggest the door is always kept open and send a card, as we must always have hope that one day they may return . I wish you all the best as I know the pain and sadness you feel

Best wishes

Thank you @ Toetoe , and also to all that have given their kind thoughts . I feel deeply for anyone in similar situations as it’s really out of our control. You see someone on the news that have committed the most terrible of crimes , and when they go to court they always have their nearest and dearest hugging them and holding hands with them , yet , this situation is so very trivial in comparison , and my daughter decides not to speak to me , ignores Mothers Day and my recent birthday, her actions have caused so much hurt and pain , made so worse by the loss of my partner , which couldn’t have come at a worse time .
Don’t know how the future would be , if and when she decides to start taking to me again , as things could never go back as they were before because I would always be on my guard , worrying if I’ve said or done the wrong thing , as I feel I couldn’t go though this situation with her again . People don’t realise that their actions now can cause a lifetime of uncertainty as the trust has been broken and can be very hard to recover .

Xx?

Granniesunite

If you could ask your mum* dibbydod* what do you think her advice would be.?

In our situation of estrangement ..and I fully understand that all situations are different...we have been advised by the professionals to keep communications open but that is exhausting emotionally . I’d send a simple card then move on.
That takes practise. ?

Granniesunite , ..in answer to your question, if my mum were here with us now , I know that she would be deeply hurt by this also , it’s not the sort of behaviour that would be accepted by my mum and dad . Think that my mum would advise me to leave her well alone , let her come around in her own time , and that would include in not sending her a birthday card , mainly because as I’d just lost my partner , there was no need for my daughter to bring this extra hurt upon me while I was already grieving, and I feel,that my dad would say the same thing .
Sorry to hear of your own hurt in your estrangement, but may I say that the professionals are not always right , it’s about how you feel , as it is you that has to deal with the hurt and pain , not them .

Toetoe

Dibbydodd

This is my first post on here , up until now I have been an observer . So sorry to hear your deep loss and sadness . I have a sister who is suffering very deeply because of a similar situation . My dear poor sister is trying to understand all the reasons why too , she is now having counselling help and has me to support her . We both loved our mum so much but due to circumstances were unable to spend time with her due to distance. We would never have hurt her . Personally I would suggest the door is always kept open and send a card, as we must always have hope that one day they may return . I wish you all the best as I know the pain and sadness you feel

Best wishes

Thank you @ Toetoe , and also to all that have given their kind thoughts . I feel deeply for anyone in similar situations as it’s really out of our control. You see someone on the news that have committed the most terrible of crimes , and when they go to court they always have their nearest and dearest hugging them and holding hands with them , yet , this situation is so very trivial in comparison , and my daughter decides not to speak to me , ignores Mothers Day and my recent birthday, her actions have caused so much hurt and pain , made so worse by the loss of my partner , which couldn’t have come at a worse time .
Don’t know how the future would be , if and when she decides to start taking to me again , as things could never go back as they were before because I would always be on my guard , worrying if I’ve said or done the wrong thing , as I feel I couldn’t go though this situation with her again . People don’t realise that their actions now can cause a lifetime of uncertainty as the trust has been broken and can be very hard to recover .

Thank you Smileless

You're right, I should have put 'some EAC'.

Yes, send it. Let her know you love her. If nothing else, it is the anniversary of a significant day for both of you and it’s a nice gesture. It shows your door is still open and that she is in your thoughts. Hopefully it may prompt a response. If not, I would still carry on sending Xmas and birthday cards. It’s not worth cutting her off. You will always be her mother and she only has one. She’ll come round eventually I’m sure.

If you could ask your mum* dibbydod* what do you think her advice would be.?

In our situation of estrangement ..and I fully understand that all situations are different...we have been advised by the professionals to keep communications open but that is exhausting emotionally . I’d send a simple card then move on.
That takes practise. ?

Smileless2012

It doesn't seem to matter to EAC that their parents don't like being estranged does it Rhinestone so what's an unwanted card in comparison?

Not true of all EAC Smileless. Estranging a parent can be heartbreaking but absolutely necessary for mental health reasons.

Please don't make blanket statements, it's unhelpful.

Smileless2012

*Toetoe*for you and your sister.

Thank you smileless. Very kind

Toetoefor you and your sister.

It doesn't seem to matter to EAC that their parents don't like being estranged does it Rhinestone so what's an unwanted card in comparison?

Dibbydodd

This is my first post on here , up until now I have been an observer . So sorry to hear your deep loss and sadness . I have a sister who is suffering very deeply because of a similar situation . My dear poor sister is trying to understand all the reasons why too , she is now having counselling help and has me to support her . We both loved our mum so much but due to circumstances were unable to spend time with her due to distance. We would never have hurt her . Personally I would suggest the door is always kept open and send a card, as we must always have hope that one day they may return . I wish you all the best as I know the pain and sadness you feel

Best wishes

HolyHannah Mayve you misunderstood me. My children are all adults but they are still my children. Why are you so offended? I feel that if a parent want to send a card they should do what they want. If their child doesn’t like it so what. I never said they better like it so please don’t put words into my mouth. Look at you trying to control all is us by saying don’t send anything. Wow!

It’s a card, if she puts it in the bin will it matter you won’t know. Forget she didn’t contact you, just send your daughter a card, love from mom x that’s enough, you don’t know what problems she might have.

If you don't send one you will feel worse than if you do.
I know it's not all about you, but that is my considered opinion

i wonder what the daughter would say about all this.

Yes I agree that it's not all about what caused the estrangement but what happened afterwards.

I would go on to say on point 2. Hithere that what happens after the breakdown may also cement the resolution on the EP's side too.

An EAC may at some point wish to look for reconciliation with their parent(s) but depending on what's happened, that may not be something their parent(s) desires.

Not because the love their parent(s) has for them isn't unconditional but because their parent(s) feels unable to put themselves back into that precarious relationship.

Two thoughts

1. Even if the child is a minor, he/she may have very good input on what he/she thinks and that should be taken into account by the parent.

2. Estrangement - the actions after the breakdown of communication may cement the resolution on the EACs' side
For example: messages exchanged between the parties

So it's not all about what caused the estrangement but what happened afterwards

I agree, we are talking about an adult, an adult child.

IMO it's the OP's AC whose displaying 'I am the 'child' so I can what I want and she better like it attitude by telling the OP that if and when she's ready to talk to her mother she'll do so on her own terms.

With an attitude like that from an AC, I agree it's no wonder some parents are estranged.

"And since when does a child dictate what you can or cannot do? Let them deal with it. Why is always the parents fault."

We are not talking about a 'child'... OP's daughter is an ADULT.

And that "she is the 'child' so I can do what I want and she better 'like' it..." attitude is why some EP's are estranged.

As adults we absolutely DO have the right to walk away, whether our parents agree with our reasoning or not...

Don't send anything.

It's very hard for an EAC's siblings Dibbydod. I know our DS had similar feelings about our situation, that his family was falling apart especially in the beginning.

It's not a matter of you involving him, he's your son and his sister's brother so, to a certain extent is automatically involved. Our DS spoke to us a lot about the situation with his brother to begin with, and still does occasionally. TBH I wish he wouldn't but he says he's unable to talk to his brother about it because he gets so angry; he has to be able to talk to someone doesn't he.

It's not a mater of your pain being greater than your D's and it shouldn't be a matter of her pain being greater than yours. I don't agree from what you've told us that there is no room in your life for your D's pain. If anything it appears to be the other way around.

You've lost your partner of 22 years, by your own admission struggled to come to terms with the loss and recognising how difficult this has been for your D, have apologised.

Life can and does take it's toll on us all one way or another. We can't always be the rock that our AC would like us to be and as adults themselves, they should be able to accept that. Even if they are unable or unwilling to give the support that may be needed at a particularly difficult period in their parent's lives, that shouldn't make it necessary for them to turn their backs and walk away.

Sorry for the typos.

AgnurseI’m not sure how sending a card of love is harassment. What kind of world do we live in if a patent says they live their child and wishes them a happy birthday or whatever. Sending a card keeps the four open. And since when does a child dictate what you can or cannot do? Let them deal with it. Why is always the parents fault.
I go with my heart and send a card every year to my son. It makes ME feel good. Too bad if he doesn’t like it.

It is not a good idea to involve a third person in adult matters.
If your son has a problem with his sister, he should bring it up to her himself.

Diddydod if you can't forgive her anyway, what is the point of sending a card?

If you feel your pain at your daughter wanting space is more than whatever prompted her need for space, I don't think this will be resolved either. I also think that is probably the reason why it won't be resolved.

Your daughter will probably also know this. There is no room for her feelings here.