I really need to have some constructive opinions on this .My long term partner of 22 years ( we never lived together) passed away last October, and I was so consumed up with grief that I hit rock bottom over the next few months . During this awful time , my daughter decided she had enough of me ( I know I was very difficult to deal with , but couldn’t pull myself out of the hole I was in ) , then one morning, bit out of the blue , she sent me a hurtful text , saying a host of awful things to me , adding that if and when she decides to talk to me again it will be on her terms . I’d messaged her back pleading not to be like this ,that I was sorry that I’d been such a pain to deal with , that my doctor has put me on antidepressants, and to say that I love her and are very proud of her. She read it , but never replied .
She ignored Mother’s Day , not contacted me once over lockdown to see if I’m ok or want something ( I am registered disabled but I have car and try to be independent as much as possible ) , and worse still , my 68 th birthday was last week and was totally ignored by her .
I have mixed feelings about all this , because I have couple friends who’s daughters have done the same to them , also read many posts on here of similar situations. I feel I cannot go through rest of my life feeling so hurt and upset , wishing and hoping she will contact me , and , if and when she does , I know I’ll be walking on eggshells as be worrying if she will do this to me again. I’ve not been brought up to be doing any of this sort thing to my parents , if we have an issue , we talk it through , to resolve things , never to cut them out of ones life , and be so hurtful and disrespectful. My Mum would be mortified by this behaviour, so would my beloved partner . I didn’t raise my daughter to be so heartless. My son is very hurt also , saying that his family are falling apart .
With all this emotions going on, it’s her birthday coming up in couple weeks time , and I’m at a loss as to wether to send her a card , part of me says yes , I should, ( but feel she will rip it up ) but then I feel that I don’t want to , so maybe that way she will hopefully feel some hurt to know how it feels .
I’m in state of limbo , and would appreciate thoughts on this one. Oh , and I’d like to add, that I love my daughter dearly , have always been proud of her , and miss her terribly.
Dont totally get the cup of tea thing, but think it’s a bit OTT . You don’t “ask” for birthday cards anyway so it doesn’t work.
Surely a mother can send a greetings card without needing permission.
It was good to read your post @ 12.27 Toadinthehole. We've never sent out ES cards but I know some EP's do and often get criticised for harassing their AC.
For those who don't contact their EP's telling them to stop, perhaps it's because they view it the way you did. You've provided an interesting perspective; thank you.
Let's make an analogy with "I will contact you when I am ready" and a cup of tea.
It might ring a bell to some posters as there is a similar effort in the internet to explain sexual consent and offering a cup of tea.
"I will contact you when I am ready"
"I will contact you when I am ready for a cup of tea"
OP is asking if she should send her dd a cup of tea (aka bday card)
Her dd said she would like a cup of tea when she asks for it, not when her mother is willing to offer her one.
I don’t agree with you agnurse, but you’re entitled to your opinion. I used to get cards from my mum, even though there were problems. I saw it as a way back if I’d needed it. I didn’t, so no harm done. I did appreciate her trying in the only way she knew. What will be will be, whether cards are sent or not. I don’t see this as contact in the way you obviously do.
Toadinthehole
The daughter has indicated she doesn't want to talk to her mom until she's ready. Unwanted contact is harassment if the person has been told not to make contact. Doesn't matter what the intention is.
I would send a card with the same sentiment as I would if there were no problem. This communication shows you love her, and always will, no matter what. Unconditional love. It may not be so the other way round, but that’s fine, it doesn’t necessarily work that way ‘ upwards’, but in my opinion, always should ‘ downwards’. You need to keep consistent, and avoid sliding into this, “ she hurt me so I’ll hurt her back” attitude. Rise above it if you can, and be the bigger person, as you’ve always been as mum and daughter. I’m so sorry for your loss, and hope you will find peace.
Dawn22
Hi Dibby
You may always have been proud of her but now is not the time to feel proud of her. She is letting herself down and you down by her treatment of you.
Young people and particularly young women have a real sense of entitlement these days and frequently give there mother's a hard time of it primarily because they know they can.
Love them but privately take your foot off the pride accelerator. Send a kind but neutral card with love from Mom or from your loving Mom. Your duty vs a vis her birthday is done and you have kept the door open
Pride in her won't currently serve you well as her recent behaviour is not nice.
Take care from Dawn.
Attitudes like these, regarding calling younger women entitled are exactly why so many conflicts happen between mothers and daughters or mother-in-law’s and daughter-in-law’s. Just accept the different generations do things differently.
Whitewavemark
Best comment of all. Love it. From Dawn
Hi Dibby
You may always have been proud of her but now is not the time to feel proud of her. She is letting herself down and you down by her treatment of you.
Young people and particularly young women have a real sense of entitlement these days and frequently give there mother's a hard time of it primarily because they know they can.
Love them but privately take your foot off the pride accelerator. Send a kind but neutral card with love from Mom or from your loving Mom. Your duty vs a vis her birthday is done and you have kept the door open
Pride in her won't currently serve you well as her recent behaviour is not nice.
Take care from Dawn.
I've already said send a card with a simple message. Some people on here seem to think that the daughter should be cut off by Dibbydod.
But I feel that she should send a card in order to leave the door open. OK, so her daughter may never walk through it, but her daughter certainly won't if the door has been closed from her mum's side as well.
Ironflower
I am so sorry for your loss. I can't imagine. You talk about your grief and how hard it was for you, how hard was it for her? You were with him for 22 years so I'm assuming that she had a bond with him too. Perhaps your grief-driven behaviour at this time, which you admit was bad, combined with her own grief (it can be shocking to lose someone even if you weren't that close) was too much for her to handle. Try to feel some empathy for what she also went through.
Was your relationship with her good before? This answer kind of determines whether you should send a card or not. You say that you were always proud of them. However did you argue often? did she feel loved? If things were great and you were close before, I would actually send a card. I would send it with heartfelt apology for the hurt you caused her. No excuses or reasons for it, just a 'I'm so sorry that I wasn't there for you.'
If things weren't so great before your tragedy then I wouldn't send a card. I would respect her wishes and wait.
Hi Ironflower , in answer to your question, yes, my relationship with my daughter had always been just fine , I was always there for her and helped out as and when I could , and she was the same with me , there had never been any arguments or real issues between us , until this ,I had always thought that things were fine between us , that’s why it came as such a shock . And no, she wasn’t particularly close to my partner . I have text her couple times to say I’m sorry if I’ve caused any hurt and to say that I love her , and please can we talk this through , but, it’s been ignored .
Never give up on your children
Quizqueen- I really don’t understand your rationale for doing that other than to ensure the relationship is permanently damaged. If your daughter has chosen to estrange herself from you (and is motivated by money) I would suggest that being removed from the will is already been weighed up in the decision making. The other way she may have read that is you trying to ‘buy a relationship’......
I am so sorry for your loss. I can't imagine. You talk about your grief and how hard it was for you, how hard was it for her? You were with him for 22 years so I'm assuming that she had a bond with him too. Perhaps your grief-driven behaviour at this time, which you admit was bad, combined with her own grief (it can be shocking to lose someone even if you weren't that close) was too much for her to handle. Try to feel some empathy for what she also went through.
Was your relationship with her good before? This answer kind of determines whether you should send a card or not. You say that you were always proud of them. However did you argue often? did she feel loved? If things were great and you were close before, I would actually send a card. I would send it with heartfelt apology for the hurt you caused her. No excuses or reasons for it, just a 'I'm so sorry that I wasn't there for you.'
If things weren't so great before your tragedy then I wouldn't send a card. I would respect her wishes and wait.
how did you get on with her partner.
did you make contact at xmas.
i think you have to be v careful or it could become permanent.
No.
If it was me, I'd send a card and say how sad you are that she has cut you out of her life and isn't it time to bury the hachet? Life is too short. If she doesn't reply or acknowledge it, then you have your answer. Bet she contacts you when she wants her mum for whatever reason?
Your issues with your dd are not resolved
What do you expect the card to achieve?
Whar did the text message your dd say?
I would certainly send a simple card but, inside, I would just put "wishing you a very happy birthday, love mum".
No flowers, no saying how proud you are of her, just short and sweet so she knows you are thinking of her.
If it was my child, I would continue to send a birthday and Christmas card, with the same short message in, until asked not to
I agree with others saying send a neutral card and leave it at that for the time being
I agree too
Elegran
The best I can suggest is that you don't do anything that will make the situation worse. You say you might not send it, so that " she will hopefully feel some hurt to know how it feels" Why "punish" her? Would it really improve things? Would it even make you feel better? I doubt it.
If you do send the card, make sure that it doesn't say anything that reproaches her, but just sends her good wishes for an enjoyable day. That shows that you still wish her well, but without putting emotional blackmail on her to be nice to you
I may sound very unhelpful here, but I have to ask - How do you suppose we will know better than you whether you should send your estranged daughter a birthday card? We have never met either of you, and however much you post about the details of your estrangement, and your relationship with her, we cannot possibly make your decision for you.
Elgran, I’m only looking for open advice / opinions , obviously you don’t know me , but, then , none of us knows one another on this site .
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
Dibbybod
You say "I love my daughter dearly , have always been proud of her , and miss her terribly"
One gesture is better than no gesture.
Use the words from your thread above in a card. Nothing more.
quizqueen
I'm sorry but I wouldn't tolerate this sort of hurtful behaviour from either of my adult children. I'd send her one last card saying this would be my final contact with her with a copy of my new will included inside, leaving her 1p and the rest to my other child/grandchildren or a charity of my choice so that she fully understood the consequences of her actions.
I know money isn't everything but I would not be willing for someone who has behaved like this little madam to benefit from me in the future,
Quizqueen , yes I do agree with you in saying you wouldn’t tolerate this type behaviour in adult children , as to me , what my daughter has done to me is in some way unforgivable. It text her to say I was so sorry and that I love her , but her reply was ‘ it’s not reciprocated’ , then it was followed with so many hurtful remarks from her that I was left dumbfounded. I’d done so much for her and her female partner over the years , ok , we did have the odd cross word ,but, in my wildest dreams I never ever thought she would say such cruel and hurtful words to me , made so much worse as I was rock bottom with grief . As previously said , I’d always been a proud mother of my daughter and my son and what they have achieved .in life , this is not what I brought my children up to be , I’d brought them up to be decent and treat with respect . I’ve been so very heartbroken over the past months , missing my partner like no one would believe , but, my daughters behaviour is almost unforgivable, to me she is cruel and heartless . It’s so very hard to take in . X
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join the discussion, watch threads and lots more.
Register now »Already registered? Log in with:
Gransnet »Get our top conversations, latest advice, fantastic competitions, and more, straight to your inbox. Sign up to our daily newsletter here.
