I really need to have some constructive opinions on this .My long term partner of 22 years ( we never lived together) passed away last October, and I was so consumed up with grief that I hit rock bottom over the next few months . During this awful time , my daughter decided she had enough of me ( I know I was very difficult to deal with , but couldn’t pull myself out of the hole I was in ) , then one morning, bit out of the blue , she sent me a hurtful text , saying a host of awful things to me , adding that if and when she decides to talk to me again it will be on her terms . I’d messaged her back pleading not to be like this ,that I was sorry that I’d been such a pain to deal with , that my doctor has put me on antidepressants, and to say that I love her and are very proud of her. She read it , but never replied .
She ignored Mother’s Day , not contacted me once over lockdown to see if I’m ok or want something ( I am registered disabled but I have car and try to be independent as much as possible ) , and worse still , my 68 th birthday was last week and was totally ignored by her .
I have mixed feelings about all this , because I have couple friends who’s daughters have done the same to them , also read many posts on here of similar situations. I feel I cannot go through rest of my life feeling so hurt and upset , wishing and hoping she will contact me , and , if and when she does , I know I’ll be walking on eggshells as be worrying if she will do this to me again. I’ve not been brought up to be doing any of this sort thing to my parents , if we have an issue , we talk it through , to resolve things , never to cut them out of ones life , and be so hurtful and disrespectful. My Mum would be mortified by this behaviour, so would my beloved partner . I didn’t raise my daughter to be so heartless. My son is very hurt also , saying that his family are falling apart .
With all this emotions going on, it’s her birthday coming up in couple weeks time , and I’m at a loss as to wether to send her a card , part of me says yes , I should, ( but feel she will rip it up ) but then I feel that I don’t want to , so maybe that way she will hopefully feel some hurt to know how it feels .
I’m in state of limbo , and would appreciate thoughts on this one. Oh , and I’d like to add, that I love my daughter dearly , have always been proud of her , and miss her terribly.
Sparkling at the beginning I offered for my mum to my children.
She said no
She said no, because she wanted me to come too and I wasn't part of the deal.
My mum had little interest in my children.
My children, when it became clear we weren't going to see nan again, told me why they didn't want to do that anyway.
If it helps, now I am of the opinion that if she can't be a good mum, she can't be a good grandma anyway.
I am just talking in general -- Let's assume husband and I ARE the issue in Our 'relationship' with Our 'family'. What would be better for Our children, to have Our 'one sided' view or be thrust into two different and conflicting 'worlds'?
The fact that husband and I recognize both of us came from dysfunctional/abusive families changes that. If We deem the reason We cannot maintain a relationship with them as 'past/unresolved bad behavior' then handing Our children to them makes Us what? Enablers at best and ABUSERS at worst.
If you hand a child to someone who hit you and your child got hit? Two adults are to blame. The one that hit the child and the one who put the child in harms way. I am NOT "that parent".
The only people who can talk about reconciliation with any authority are those who have experienced it; Pantglas for example.
As you say Pantglas it takes "good will from 'both sides'".
The need or desire to reconcile could be based on obligation and that could apply to the EAC and the EP. The EAC may feel obliged to seek reconciliation because of their EP's bad health and/or old age, and the EP may feel obliged as the parent to agree if that's what their EAC wants.
Guilt; again that can be from either the EAC or EP. The EAC may feel guilt because they've come to realise that their reasons for estrangement weren't sufficient for them to live with that decision. The EP may feel guilty for the way they behaved toward and treated their AC which resulted in the estrangement.
Unresolved fear again is equally applicable to EAC and EP's. The fear from the EP that they will never have their EAC in their lives again, and the fear from an EAC that their parent will die and they'll never have the opportunity for resolution.
The realisation of being on guard is also an important factor for both the EAC and EP. The EAC being on guard in case the behaviour that led to their decision is repeated, and for the EP, the fear that having estranged them once, their EAC could estrange them again.
Which takes me back to what Pantglas said about there being good will on both sides. No one I'm sure would suggest that the road to reconciliation is an easy one, but at least if there is a genuine desire from both 'sides' to make it work not just for themselves but for the other person/people involved, there's a chance but IMO, not without risk.
Your post 19:06 Hithere is so pertinent. I believe that when both parties are ready, a way forward can be found.
Sparkling -- What would that matter? That's the definition of putting the children in the middle of an "adult situation".
Regardless of which side has the issue, if the adults involved cannot maintain a mature adult relationship, then the minor children DO become 'pawns' in some game. It introduces a VERY questionable dynamic. Are you advocating for putting minor children in the middle of adults like that?
Sparkling
It’s sad but appears true, that if you estrange from son or daughter you are not then allowed a relationship with grandchildren. Sad, because you don’t get on with an adult child, you could get on well with grandchildren.
Well, of course not!
Sparkling
I will say it again
I estranged from my parents due to being abusive
Why would I put my kids in harm's way? Why would I want them to be abused too?
What kind of a mother would it make me?
It’s sad but appears true, that if you estrange from son or daughter you are not then allowed a relationship with grandchildren. Sad, because you don’t get on with an adult child, you could get on well with grandchildren.
Pantglas2 -- "Interesting that reconciliation only seems to happen one way according to some and not countless ways (similar to estrangement actually!)." -- Who said that?
I am back to what GG65 said, "I’m not sure what kind of answer you are looking for?"
Sparkling -- The message I had relayed to me (true or not) was that they would be more then happy to have contact with Our children outside of a relationship with husband and/or I. That came from 'both sides'.
Interesting that reconciliation only seems to happen one way according to some and not countless ways (similar to estrangement actually!).
I’m content for it to have happened in any way that DD was happy with.....we will survive this with good will on BOTH sides.
HolyHannah and Starblaze. Do your parent want a reconciliation with you or did or do they just want to be in their grandchildren’s lives?
One last thing: forgiveness doesn't mean you forget what happened
The past will not be erased and will still be a factor to consider.
Trust has to be regained. It may not be a doable goal, depending on the circumstances
The past defines the future.
In my case, with my CO parents, I would still be on guard for a long time (aka distant and cold as they have called me plenty of times).
Protecting myself and my family would still be my main goal and any exposure to my CO parents would be measured based on trust
OurKid1 -- "I would, on the grounds that two wrongs don't make a right." What do you mean by that?
When will I learn not to try to force a response?
Just sent my ED an email (CC’d with her friend) with an update re how we are doing, with some photos of the house we are moving to, etc. I email now and then, but never get a response. Ever, from my ED. Usually I get some kind of response from her friend, who never gives any specific info re my ED. To add to the uselessness of it all, I wrote “it would be nice if I knew you were reading my emails!” Now, I will be checking my emails pointlessly for a response, which I won’t get.
I just read this on another post, written by a very smart woman (sorry, can’t remember the name): “To me, one truth is that we lose our role as moms and become relics of the past, so our kids can become the drivers in their own lives.”
Wow. What a great way of looking at it. I believe this is what my ED wants. She has basically severed our relationship, so she can be her own “driver.” I’m the dumb one who keeps hitting her head against a brick wall.
www.rejectedparents.net/forums/topic/feeling-stupid/
I would, on the grounds that two wrongs don't make a right.
Again, I haven't asked for much at all lol
Be sorry
Learn how to get on with help
Make an effort to not repeat past behaviour
That's it in its simplest form... Again not hard lol
I have done all those things, she hasn't. We remain estranged because of it.
Pantglas2 -- I think true reconciliation rarely happens. As GG65 said I think there can be a return to a semi-FOG, so to speak, but that hardly means anything has been "resolved".
"However, some people cannot acknowledge their mistakes. Not even “one thing”. It is a defence mechanism that they have developed. To admit to any wrong doing would be psychologically shattering. Even when faced with overwhelming evidence, those defence mechanisms will distort reality to make it less threatening - resulting in complete and utter denial. It is actually easier for a person to let go of a relationship, even if it is with their own child, than it is to acknowledge their mistakes, any mistake." -- 100% that.
"Although it may feel that way, it is not an attack on the parent. It is an attempt to move forward with the parent." -- And that is what EAC want. To move forward. I have learned/she has demonstrated that is not what my 'mom' wants. She wants her compliant little Scapegoat back and not a healthy/mature relationship with a fellow adult. It's gross, repulsive and never going to happen.
"It is actually easier for a person to let go of a relationship, even if it is with their own child, than it is to acknowledge their mistakes, any mistake. And they will certainly not be able to take any responsibility for the ending of the relationship (estrangement) either." -- My 'mom' and her "I've tried absolutely nothing to improve my relationship with Hannah and I'm all out of ideas..." 'attitude' is part of why she is estranged but that is nothing to do with her in her mind.
Yes. To say dealing with her mentality was "frustrating and upsetting". I try to keep the true words to myself but if there is one word that truly fits? INSANE. And to be clear -- MY definition of 'insane' is -- "The absolute lack of rational/logical thinking." which totally describes her.
I’m pretty low maintenance (and always have been) and went with Hithere’s No 1 - we’re going from strength to to strength on an annual basis!
Moral is - don’t look back, dissect/over analyse/complicate/discuss or the donkey will be without its hind legs and unable to move forward....
Pantglas2
Actually my question was initially for HolyHannah but happy to hear all thoughts on the subject.
In my case, none of Starblaze instances applied but we’ve gotten there anyway... go figure!
Was there a need to say it like that?
My mum is/was abusive
BUT
Actually, counselling, being accountable and being a better mum probably wouldn't hurt any normal person.
Pantglass2
1. Dial back expectations on what you think the relationship will be. Let it grow organically, do not go from 0 to 100 just because both parties are talking again
If it is only coffees once a month in the beginning for a year, it is fine.
There is no timeline or standard path to folllow
2. Both parties agree on and follow boundaries of the relationship, to ensure success
3. Both parties acknowledge mistakes on both ends and agree not to have the same mistakes- a consistent change on behaviour must happen
4. Listen to each other and compromise
5. Do not think that a lot of time has been lost during the estrangement and need to catch up to recover
6. No means no. Do not push if you do not get the answer you were looking for
7. Admit reconciliation will not give you the relationship you crave and hope for
That is a very brief summary
Pantglas2
Actually my question was initially for HolyHannah but happy to hear all thoughts on the subject.
In my case, none of Starblaze instances applied but we’ve gotten there anyway... go figure!
There are many possibilities.
Actually my question was initially for HolyHannah but happy to hear all thoughts on the subject.
In my case, none of Starblaze instances applied but we’ve gotten there anyway... go figure!
For me
Accountanility
Counselling, for her or joint (I've done it)
Measurable positive change
Basically what I asked for before estranging
Pantglas2
Still waiting on a reply on the reconciliation- how does that happen?
I don’t know how common reconciliations are. I do know of a person who “reconciled” after taking pity on their parent in their old age. I would imagine that they also happen when issues have been resolved or due to unresolved fear, obligation and guilt. There are many possibilities.
I’m not sure what kind of answer you are looking for?
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