Daughter’s birthday, should I send her a birthday card ?

Dibbydod I really hope things do get better for you.

Best wishes Dibbydod, if your daughter declines to contact you, it's her loss. Sounds like she's left a loving and warm family behind when she had her tantrum.

The reason is bought my daughter a small tad expensive little gift was because I knew she would like it and also was small enough to put inside her card . I didn’t post it just incase it become lost in the post , also I wanted put it in the letterbox myself as then I knew it was safe . The reason I’d bought her a little present was because I’d felt that I couldn’t just ignore her birthday as I’ve always bought her a gift of some sort , it was not my intention to ‘ buy’ her love or affection, just a feeling that it’s what I’d wanted to do . I don’t feel l that I was ‘ trespassing’ when I delivered the card as we had always felt comfortable in visiting one another. I’m not being awful when I say that I’m beginning to feel that I don’t ‘ like ‘ her , and that is because of the upset this has caused not only to myself , but to other members of the family also . She has never once gave any indication that she feels like this as whenever I have seen her she has always been happy and chatty . We are a small but close family and have always been there for one another . So, all that said, even though she has hurt me so very much, I’ve began to feel I’d rather not think about it , bit like burying my head in the sand, wether that’s good or bad is another thing , but, for me , considering all that’s happened , it suits me at the present time. Friends tell me to just leave her alone and let her own conscience prick .
Thank you all once again for your comments , I have read them all , youve e all been a great help and it’s good to know that there is GN to be able to post a problem or situation as its good to have others opinions . Thanks again. ?

I've never seen an EAC told here on GN that they cannot talk about their parents.

No person or group has their own thread on GN, it's an open forum and everyone is entitled to post on any thread of their choosing.

The constant accusations of invalidation from some EAC together with claims of being ignored makes one wonder why, if GN is so unwelcoming they post here at all.

As for being ignored!! I haven't been responded too on a certain thread on the estrangement forum for a couple of days, not that that will deter me.

Iam64 That's a very good point and I think you're probably spot on with your observation.

Dibbydod, do you know if your daughter has been friendly with other young women who sideline awkward parents? If this behaviour is something new, it seems like she may have been influenced by others.
I agree with Dawn; keep the door open with a brief message and no more.
She will probably be in touch again, but don't try to hasten this as she needs to learn her lesson asap. Eventually she will learn however long it takes her.

Iam64

I promise you that's not what is happening.

Its just that when estranged children have ideas on what might prevent estrangement or help move towards reconsiliation, we often get shut down no matter how it is said.

Besides, most of us have the same communication style no matter who we talk to and that is known.

As an aside, we are often told we cannot talk about our parents or how it impacts how we think on other threads yet not allowed to have our own threads either.

We get invalidated all the time and tumbleweeds drift past but we are held to very high standards, and often what we say is ignored by virtue of picking out one thing that could be seen as a sweeping generalisation or mean a bad thing, if you try hard enough... Yet we don't get asked to explain, and don't get believed if we do.

Not from all quarters I have to say, just a very few. I'm getting good at ignoring it and having a real open chat with others here.

Projecting all the bad stuff on to estranged parents, expressing negative feelings strongly, towards others. Healthy versus Unhealthy?

Its like being set up to fail. Not something I'm not used to.

Hithere -- Please smack ME in the side of the head... In my normal, never thinking "all bad" on semi or fully NC'd parents, I actually miss-read what OP said in the follow-up statement.

I thought she said, "I included a small and INEXPENSIVE gift." which is not 'great' when an AC is low/no contact...

Upon reread -- "I’d also included small but expensive gift." -- WOW.

I was more looking at the, "I’m beginning to feel that I don’t “ like” her anymore" statement. My 'mom' used to actually say to my sister, "I 'love you' but I don't like you." and how can you truly love something you don't even like. Dysfunction/unhealthy thinking from my POV.

The self-reflection question I was curious to hear an answer to was, "You didn't 'dislike' your daughter before now. So what is she doing in 'the now' that is making You 'dislike' her?"

And the answer is nothing except to NOT respond to someone she clearly does not want to interact with -- whether she is right or wrong in her justifications.

If that is enough to make daughter unlikable or rude, selfish and unsympathetic then WOW. That is a lot of one-way judgement towards the 'not parent' in the relationship.

"Furthermore, you dropped it yourself in her mailbox, it wasnt even mailed. It could be seen as a violation of her own home and territory." -- AGAIN another aspect I missed.

"I know you sent it with the best of your intentions but it may not be interpreted the same way by the receiving party." -- Unhealthy thinkers never consider that because if the "receiving party" doesn't like what they 'got' then THEY are ungrateful and it allows the NC'd to become/portray themselves as a victim...

OP,

I am not trying to be harsh.
Believe or not, I am trying to help you.

I am sorry to say that the message you wrote in the card was very inappropriate. The expensive present even more (could be seen as trying to buy her love and manipulative)
Furthermore, you dropped it yourself in her mailbox, it wasnt even mailed. It could be seen as a violation of her own home and territory.

This is the problem with communication between estranged parties.
In your case, as you wanted to send her a card, a mere "happy birthday" would have been sufficient, without a present and via mail.
Short message and to the point, to let her know you love her.
Instead, you went with all guns blazing.

This is why many AC do not want any communication with their estranged parties - a bday, merry xmas, graduations, etc
EAC are contacted with the excuse of those happy occasions but the message has nothing to do with that occasion.

She knows where to find you.
I know you sent it with the best of your intentions but it may not be interpreted thr same way by the receiving party.
Have you ever heard "the road to hell is paved with good intentions"?

That was a you you not a general you

Holyhannah it was definitely a general "you". I keep trying to avoid them, it's just that the English language is completely ridiculous.

I hear you

Starblaze -- I think it goes back to healthy versus unhealthy. Unhealthy continues to pursue and healthy accepts the answer of, "No. I don't want contact with you." No response is "that".

I think it was a general warning of what can happen with further contact. I don't see anywhere where it was suggested that OP would continue to reach out.

Not everything is an attack/accusation... All I did was point out that there was some unhealthy thinking going on here. I never said by whom or what particular part was the "troubling bit" and yet people have made all sort of assumptions and nobody has spotted/addressed 'it' so I will leave it in the hands of those who said what they did to self-reflect.

If you read Dibbydodd's post @ 16.28 today Starblaze, you'll see that she did make one last attempt to reconnect with her daughter and it has brought no response. Her post also goes on to say what course of action she intends to follow now. She has made it quite clear that she has no intention of "replacing it with unwanted contact and their anger^ and I'm not sure why you've got the impression that she will?

Unfortunately, a lot of estranged children are just made very uncomfortable by unwanted mail, calls or coming to the house because it disrespects boundaries. Thats just the truth.

If you have been asked for no contact or it has become clear that no contact is wanted then I would always advise one final contact with everything you want them to know:

Any deserved (no if or but) apologies.
No guilt trips.
Offers for joint counselling.
A declaration of love.
An assertion that you will be there when they are ready and not until then.
Short but sweet.

Then make that the last thing they get/remember...

Leave that at the front and centre when they think of you..

Don't replace it with unwanted contact and their anger.

Before I estranged, I just asked for space... I didn't get it. It really didn't help

"We've only heard one side."

Isn't that the truth HolyHannah!

AviaParva -- If someone is saying things that are troubling from a mental health perspective, what else can I think? Healthy is healthy and unhealthy is just that.

If some don't see the problematic statements and how that MAY be affecting their relationships with their Adult Children then how can there be hope for reconciliation/improvement in that relationship? That is the stated goal of most EP's.

"No one has the need of a rude, selfish and unsympathetic person in their life, particularly a daughter." -- Talk about judging someone you don't know! Maybe and equally so, daughter is thinking the same because as everyone always says, "We've only heard one side."

Holyhannah, you seem to relate other people’s situations directly to your own, and while I don’t underestimate the degree to which you are hurt, your template doesn’t fit everyone’s situation.
You need kindness in your situation, and so does Dibbydod.
I wish you both ..... hard to know what to say .... but some degree of serenity is what I would hope for you. Hope this doesn’t offend either of you or anyone else.

Well it was a rhetorical question; I'm pretty sure I know the answer Chewbacca.

Best not to ask Smileles!

What "unhealthy thinking" would that be?

Wow -- Talk about some unhealthy thinking. I guess whatever makes people 'happy'.

It's your daughter's loss Dibbydodd. You're probably right to be growing to actually dislike her; no matter what, she could have at least acknowledge the gift/card or, if she didn't want it, she could have sent it back. She knew the turmoil that you were going through when your partner was so ill but obviously felt that her needs were more important. No one has the need of a rude, selfish and unsympathetic person in their life, particularly a daughter.

It doesn't sound harsh Dibbydodd you must do what is right for you. I'm sorry that you didn't get a response but as Toadinthehole has posted you tried. You can do no more.