Daughter’s birthday, should I send her a birthday card ?

Thank you SmilelessMadgran and Yogagirl. I wound up having a good day in spite of the boys. Spent the day at a small town on the lake. It helps to get away from home when those special days come and you have to consciously stop yourself from thinking of the estranged ones in your life.

quizqueen

I'm sorry but I wouldn't tolerate this sort of hurtful behaviour from either of my adult children. I'd send her one last card saying this would be my final contact with her with a copy of my new will included inside, leaving her 1p and the rest to my other child/grandchildren or a charity of my choice so that she fully understood the consequences of her actions.

I know money isn't everything but I would not be willing for someone who has behaved like this little madam to benefit from me in the future,

This almost seems like blackmail. Accept me back in your life, or else! If Dibbydod goes down this route and her daughter makes amends, she will wonder whether it is a genuine attempt at mending bridges or a mercenary effort for her inheritance.
A simple card, with no overly gushing rhyme, with love from Mum, would be my choice. Then see where it goes from there but be prepared for no response.

Happy birthday Rhinestone

Rhinestone That was hard for you, waiting and hoping.

Belated birthday wishes Rhinestone. I know what you mean about becoming "numb" it takes time doesn't it for the rawness to go.

Well it was just my birthday and I would have given anything to get a card from my ES or even a two word text. He did the first year he estranged himself but nothing after that. I think I’m numb to him as I didn’t cry as much this birthday.

Thanks Iam. We've been away for a few days with no internet so I've only just seen your kind post.

Smiles -thanks for carrying on posting here. You don't get much recognition, never mind positive recognition. I want to acknowledge the impact your recent experience of the death of your mum, followed by the email from your estranged son. Stay strong and look after yourself

Rhinestone *Starblaze started a new thread recently called "Recognising how far you have come" which I think you might find helpful and interesting

Rhinestone What a difficult time you have had. Wise words from you too that I hope will help/resonate for other EPs

In your position, I'd send a card. It's worth one more try to get in contact with her.

I hope she responds favourably.

Our ES tried very hard to turn his brother against us; the lengths that some people are prepared to go too and the depths they are prepared to sink.

Rhinestone really sorry you had to go through all that. My mum tried very hard to turn me against my Dad and almost succeeded at times. Even just to make my life easier so she would stop giving me hell. He had court awarded access thankfully. I am a very stubborn person so, that served me well there.

Everything else you said... Yes, counselling is amazing and personal growth is always to be commended

I simply can't imagine what this has been like for you Rhinestone. Your son estranges, reconciles and then estranges again.

My son had estranged himself once before and then one day I got this beautiful letter that it had nothing to do with me but the estrangement was about him and his life. And then two years later he does it again as I have previously talked about. I understand why after reconciliation we would all be scared and would need to take it one day at a time. Many of you had great suggestions as to how to do that. But you can’t go back to the place that caused the estrangement. IMO if you don’t talk about your feelings as to why the estrangement happened you can’t move on with everyone exhibiting the same behaviors. As a mother I would do anything , counseling , whatever it takes to see my child. But I am a person who is seeking counseling and am constantly looking in the mirror to improve myself. I wish more parents and adults children would too.

GG65Thank you for that insight . I never thought of my son’s behavior as a coping mechanism to the abuse. That does make sense.
I was young when I got divorced and my son was eight. Why I thought the abuse would stop if I did that was silly of me as it continued when my X had the children. If I went to the courts I would not have had proof that he was being abused.
He didn’t have bruises so I couldn’t prove anything. His dad would shove him against a wall and put his hand around my sons throat . He didn’t actually choke him so there wasn’t any visible proof.
I could cry just thinking that I had no way to protect him when we weren’t together.
What’s even weird is that my son never remembered all this happening yet my DD remembers it well. Probably trauma.

So, I haven't fully slammed the door because I truly believe that the right help could fix my mums issues, I'm not willing to accept any less though

Apologies Starblaze , my previous comment assumed that you would not countenance reconciliation. That was an incorrect assumption on my part.

Going back to the title of this thread 'Daughter's birthday, should I send her a birthday card?', only the sender knows their true motivation.

A card can be a way of telling the person that you're estranged from that you miss them, love them and thinking about them. It can be a way of saying 'my door remains open' or it can be a precursor to looking to reconciliation.

It can be received in the spirit with which it was sent, or it can be a most unwelcome intrusion on the life that has been re built following the estrangement.

I posted earlier about an email I received from our ES after more than 7 years of silence, in which he expressed his condolences for the death of my mum.

Was it anticipated? no. When I saw there was a message, did I feel excited anticipation? no. Did I have a sense of discomfort and dread? yes. Would I have preferred not to have been contacted? yes and no.

Yes, because it's taken years for us to get to where we are. Yes, because I have no idea what it means. Does it simply mean he wanted to express his sadness at the death of my mum, his GM, or does it mean more? I believe it was the former.

No, because I know how hard it was for him to send it; I know how hard it would have been for me to do the same. No, because it showed me that I'm not totally forgotten and no, because his last message was full of anger and bitterness. So, if this is the last time I ever hear from him it's a positive experience and I hope my reply was a positive experience for him too.

Surely both scenarios are appropriate to the individuals concerned absolutely. An AC who has been hurt by their parent is understandably unlikely to want to reconcile, and if they do may be too scared to do so in case previous behaviours are repeated.

It's the same for some EP's; the fear that they will once again be estranged.

Summerlove

I didn’t read it as bitterness on others struggles to a good place , more she read your comments as saying she should get over her “steps to reconciliation”

Yes I don't think what I have asked for is unfair and it is what was recommended to me, based on my situation, from a trained counsellor.

If pantsglas has resolved her situation, that's wonderful but has no baring on mine and I don't think much of the responses to me.

If I were to simply go back to my mum, my situation wouldn't even be the same as before, it would be worse. I hope I wouldn't need to go into why, she is abusive. She cannot stop being abusive without help. She didn't stop all the times I told her that her behaviour was damaging our relationship, she just got worse.

So, I haven't fully slammed the door because I truly believe that the right help could fix my mums issues, I'm not willing to accept any less though.

All cases of estrangement are different.

Reconciliation may be right for some but I can absolutely see why Starblaze and HolyHannah have no desire to even vaguely think about reconciliation, based on their perspective of their childhoods.

For others the reasons for estrangement may be different and they may get to a point where they feel able to have a relationship again

Surely both scenarios are appropriate to the individuals concerned.

That's a lovely post Pantglas "We happily move on with good hearts".

It must be difficult if someone doesn't want to talk about the reasons for estrangement, especially if the other person/people would prefer too as part of the reconciliation process.

That said, would anyone risk derailing that reconciliation by pressing the point? Moving forward with what you have is the only option together with perhaps hope that at some time in the future, everyone feels secure enough and safe enough to have that discussion.

As time passes it maybe that the person who wanted to 'get everything out in the open' no longer feels that way. They have that once estranged person that they love back in their lives and in the end, that's all that really matters.

I didn’t read it as bitterness on others struggles to a good place , more she read your comments as saying she should get over her “steps to reconciliation”

Pantglas

If that's what you think, I'm not going to try and convince you otherwise

I do genuinely hope you and your daughter have a long and happy relationship.

Thank you GG for your kind thoughts on on or reconciliation.

Starblaze I truly wish a settled place for you and yours - it’s taken me and mine a long lard road to get to any semblance of happiness. Please don’t be be bitter at anyone’s struggle to a good place x