Estrangement after domestic emotional and financial abuse. Anyone else experienced this?

Although we're not estranged from family members, and although I contacted quite a few of them in March, they haven't bothered to contact us to see if we're OK. Mind you, it's usually us who make the effort anyway even though we normally get on well. So maybe at least some of your family wouldn't have been in touch with you whatever the circumstances.

Having said that, it's not at all nice for you to be treated like this. All I can add is that, if your family are taken in by your ex, they are the ones with the problem. They should know you well enough to make up their own minds and not be influenced by him.

I can't remember where I saw this - maybe even on another thread - it's by a poet called Hafiz: "I wish I could show you when you're lonely or in darkness the astonishing light of your own being".

In the past I’ve seen counsellors around a specific high conflict relationship and one thing that helped me enormously was to write “burn letters”. The concept is to write out everything you wish you could say to the person and then burn (or throw out) the letter. I found it cathartic.

The key for me was mentally acknowledging that this was a way to release the hurt. The person I wanted to have it out with would have in no way listened or acknowledged my perspective and I knew that. But by writing it all down and using some very nasty imaginative language it was a way to channel all that negativity. I cried a lot, I started it and walked away many times and then I burned that sucker in my back garden and felt a wee bit of a weight lift.

I knew my letter would never be sent so I wrote my innermost nasty, negative, toxic feelings down on paper and for me it was a way to start to let it go.

I’m so sorry your siblings have betrayed you like this, please look at your DD when things get tough and remind yourself of the good you have done for her by removing yourself from a bad situation - that makes you a bloody excellent mum!! Sending you all the positivity I have to spare OP x

You are a marvellous mum you put your daughter first and left an abusive relationship. Very well done it takes a lot of courage to do that.

As a counsellor myself I’m sad you don’t think it would be helpful for you to see a therapist but if you have identified an organisation you would like to have help from are they doing telephone or online therapy at the moment? It might be worth asking.

It is your siblings who have the problem not you. Your ex is probably highly manipulative in twisting the truth to other people , abusers always are. I left an abusive relationship so know a bit about it. I hope you have friends who appreciate you , you are worth more than you currently realise.

thank you so much for these replies. It really helps to get out of some of the isolation I have been feeling at times.

septimia thanks for putting this in context. I did try and rationalise it no one getting in touch etc by thinking that others obviously have their own issues in a global pandemic.

I also listened to the podcasts on Stand Alone site, about being estranged and feeling during lockdown as if you might want to hear from someone but emotionally not being ready for it perhaps or strong enough, and maybe i wasn't. I was like many of us just dealing with day to day events.

And thank you so much for the quote. Yes, when I hear my daughter laughing as she does now more as able to see friends in park etc. I get this, the concrete proof in front of me that I am not 100 per cent the horrible person that ex made me out to be.

Being an older single parent when schools closed down in march it was a blow as the time and energy I might have had to nurture myself and space kind of disappeared.

Hope that with schools going back safely I hope things might be on the turn.

Lolu thanks for the tip about the burn letters. I think I will try this as at times I do have a lot of different and difficult emotions around it, and they spill out in different ways so this might be a way of dealing with it.

So strange that complete strangers see that I am a good mum doing what I can and my own birth family will never admit it...

Not caring what other people think is still something in my late fifties that I have to grown into

Any more thoughts welcome and thanks for posting you two

thank you so much also twice as nice. Not that I wouldn't see a counsellor online, actually I'd like to, just finances during covid etc and also with schools being closed and home schooling I haven't felt that I've got the space in my head.

But hopefully this week will bring a change.

And twice as nice thank you for saying siblings have the problem not me.

Especially with lockdown and covid go round in circles in my head about it doubting myself.

You are more than welcome please believe in yourself. Could you also contact the NHS or any voluntary organisations in your area , NHS and many voluntary organisations will give you counselling for free. Women’s Aid will also help, their freedom programme can be accessed online and will reassure you that your ex is the one in the wrong

greengreengrass

And twice as nice thank you for saying siblings have the problem not me.

Especially with lockdown and covid go round in circles in my head about it doubting myself.

of course they do - jealousy is a common motivation. Another famous quote is : We may not be able to control "which way the winds blow, but we can trim our sails accordingly" - what a great saying. This is YOUR life and your DD, not theirs to pick over and denigrate! you have shown determination, courage, fortitude, strength of character !
There is plenty on youtube about manipulation, subtle forms of abuse, Useful Idiots and Flying Monkeys, harassment, stalking, and my new discovery, 'going grey rock' - your situation is not unique, a form of victim blaming. Best wishes

You can choose your friends but not your family. Isn't that how the saying goes?
I divorced my husband on the grounds of mental cruelty after years of abuse, so I do understand what you have been through. I have no siblings but it must be very hurtful when the people you thought would support you through the aftermath, haven't been there for you and your daughter.
I consider women like us are strong. Only a fellow sufferer knows what someone can inflict on their partner. Walking away takes courage. Don't dwell on the remarks about being a rubbish Mum and other put downs. If your siblings choose to believe him instead of you, let them get on with it. You are not likely to change them. Hold your head up. Believe in yourself and show your daughter what a good Mum looks like.

one therapy visualisation I remember from when this happens to me years ago was - realise you will carry the pain with you unless you destroy it and recommend - shove it in an old cardboard box, squash it down, seal the box, kick it hard down the cellar steps, wash hands, make tea, smile.

it's not really strange that others think you're an ok mum, whereas siblings don't.
the others are neutral. they have no investment in seeing you in any particular way.
the siblings are prejudiced, so they automatically put a filter over any evidence about you.
they are not open to unbiased view or attitude towards you.
it doesn't really matter. that is their problem.
don't let it become part of your self view.

Nothing matters but your relationship with your daughter. That's priceless so don't let others intrude.

Listen to her laughter, rejoice she's with you and happy, keep talking to her and dont let the past come between the two of you. Be honest and brave in discussion leave nothing out. But gently does it.

In a way I envy you it's not easy but I wish you the very best for your future happiness with you daughter. Love should always be the winner.

Thank you so much. I was very tired yesterday so have only just read these messages today.

Very insightful about the bias.

And thank you also about the nudge of not letting the past come between us Granniesunite. I am trying to focus. One of my favourite sayings is Love Conquers all.

Having said that struggling this morning I located a series of vids on You Tube about dealign with a Narcissist.

Clinical pyschologist talking about the potential aftermath and saying that in some strange, dark way Narcissists did us a favour...

in that I always believed I had a solid relationship with the people I am now estranged to, however, what happened exposed the true nature of it.

I am trying to do buddhist meditatiosn to help stay in the moment.

thank you all for your posting

Your siblings broke your trust. I don't think good relationships are easily broken by third parties unless the relationship is already unstable on their side anyway.

It really doesn't matter if these are family members, if you don't feel loved by them and they have broken your trust by being hurtful, that's on them. Your ex isn't responsible, they are. They believed his lies about you because it suited them to.

You really shouldn't feel guilty about this. Have a beautiful happy life without them.

Star blaze I really appreciate this. It's really helpful to read.

Good relationships may not easily be broken by third parties but of course it does happen and not because there is an existing degree of instability.

It really does depend on how 'clever' and manipulative the third party is. That said greengreengrass whatever the reasons, you have a lovely D and a wonderful relationship with her.

Move forward with your life and try not to give those who pass judgement on you so unfairly and without justification, a second thought.

You don't need them and they don't deserve you.

I have re read this thread. Thanks all it helps.

The sun is shining through the window. School start Thursday it is GCSE year so actually now that I've done most of the prep I'm looking forward to it. Which seems kind of strange given the pandemic but there are some nice teachers giving their best and I often feel they are better friends to both of us than my own birth family.

So onwards and upwards eh

Glad you feel a bit better ggg we are all adjusting back to school and work hours this week, miss the slow life already but looking forward to having some routine back. I find I think a lot more about things that are probably better left where they are when I'm not busy

Yes, see what you mean Starblaze, one reason why bank hols and sundays not easy always.

Also appreciate missing the slow life already.

Thing with school, I'm sure teens get extra stressed when they have to get up earlier in the dark mornings whereas in lock down DD would happily snooze till ten or even eleven. That was helpful...

Yes greengreengrass "onwards and upwards" as we make the most of what life has to offer.

DD shipped off to school today so finally feeling as if I have a bit of headspace again. Still tired but it feels as if the rest of my school team are back to share the load. Thanks for all the insightful replies here.

Off to kick start self care. Now that I can get into the bathroom again. Already checked in with my weight loss app.