Gransnet forums

Estrangement

Lost Grandson.

(19 Posts)
Harrysgranny Fri 04-Sep-20 19:48:23

My oldest grandson will be 21 now and his birthday is in 7days. His mother took him from our lives when he was two years old but we trusted her to give him a good life. WE FOUND HIM AGAIN THREE YEARS AGO ON FACE BOOK AND DISCOVERED HE HAD BEEN IN CARE FROM THE AGE OF 8 AFTER YEARS OF ABUSE.
Sadly he was suffering PTSD and though we found him a house and tried to help him he disappeared after a few months. We contacted the police and they found him but said he could not cope with family and did not want to be re-united. The council who had him in their care could not help us because of privacy laws and said he wanted only minimal contact with them anyway. I sent a card for him last year and asked that they pass it on but I have no idea if they did or not, My son is devastated at losing his son twice and will not speak about it as he finds it too upsetting. I so want to know he is ok. even if he does not want to be part of our family I have a legacy for him and worry how he is coping especially with the problems of covid. I feel it is so unfair that there seems to be no-one who will check on his welfare and let us know that he is not in need of anything. I know as a grandparent I never had any rights to see him.. but for 18 years we imagined him part of a new loving family.. now knowing we were wrong.. and that we will never know what he went through then or what he is going through now is so hard.. I just want him to know that we still love and care for him and if he ever needs help we will always be here to do all we can.

Smileless2012 Fri 04-Sep-20 20:39:45

You say you have a legacy for your GS Harrysgranny so hopefully, whatever form that legacy takes, he will know just how much he was loved by you his GP's.

How difficult it must be for him to have any concept of what a 'normal' family is like having suffered years of abuse at the hands of his mother until he was taken into care.

With all that we can only imagine what he's been through, it's understandable that he feels he cannot cope with family.

I hope and pray that one day he will know that you love and care for him and if he needs help he will come to you.

flowers.

Illte Fri 04-Sep-20 20:48:50

I'm afraid, sadly, that wanting privacy is decision and his right as an adult. It would be quite wrong for anyone to disregard his wishes and keep you informed.

It's so sad but sometimes things can't be mended. 💐

Hithere Sat 05-Sep-20 00:38:31

Illte + 1

Your gs is an adult. He knows where to find you if he needs you.

silverlining48 Sat 05-Sep-20 09:26:49

It’s very sad. It sounds as if there was little of no contact from the time your gs mother took him when he was 2 because you were not aware he was in care from 8.
It’s a pity because social workers will often look at family members stepping in to help rather than going through care proceedings.
He is now an adult and can make his own decisions but as long as he knows you are there when he feels he wants involvement he can contact you.

silverlining48 Sat 05-Sep-20 09:31:19

If it helps children who were in care are entitled to Statutory support from social Services until the age of 25 so he will have somewhere to go if needed.

tickingbird Sat 05-Sep-20 09:49:48

Harrysgranny I am so sorry to read about your grandson and the love and care he could have had if contact had been maintained. You must feel helpless at present but hopefully he will get back in touch one day. He is still very young so plenty of time for him to change his mind.

Sending love flowers

crazyH Sat 05-Sep-20 09:55:39

Harrysgranny flowers

Sarnia Sat 05-Sep-20 10:06:19

As an adult he has the right to make his own decisions. It must be so painful for you wondering what sort of life he led and it shows why he struggles with family. He had a family once upon a time and look how he was treated. He may not want to get too close and trusting now in case history repeats itself and he is hurt by family all over again. Don't bombard him or put pressure on him but keep sending Birthday and Christmas cards and perhaps a short letter very occasionally.

Illte Sat 05-Sep-20 10:18:46

I agree with all you've said Sarnia, except for the last sentence. He's met with the OP and spent some time with her family and has decided that he doesn't want further contact.

He's had a lifetime of not being listened to and being disregarded. I really don't think it would help him if the OP also disregarded his clearly expressed decision.

The next step has to come from him.

ninathenana Sat 05-Sep-20 10:20:41

May I ask and please don't think I'm being critical but I don't understand why your son was not given custody rather than your GS be put in care aged 8. Have I understood it right that the mother and your son were estranged.

MrsWarren Sat 05-Sep-20 15:38:14

Where is your son in all of this?

Why was your grandson placed into the care system and not into the care of his father? Placing a child with relatives is the preferred option - especially when the other parent is able and willing to take the child. I don’t understand how that has happened. Perhaps your grandson doesn’t either.

Your grandson needed his family when he was 8. He is now 21 and an adult. I suspect he will be feeling let down by both parents.

Hithere Sat 05-Sep-20 16:08:35

I agree we are missing a lot of facts - re: your son

Sparkling Sat 05-Sep-20 19:57:36

How very sad, poor lad. I am sure he knows you care, hopefully the letter you wrote will get to him. Let him be, he needs to be in control now after a life time of pillar to post. One day when he’s had a go at life, he might get in touch, let’s hope he makes a good life and some happiness, hard for you to cope with, but you must, for his sake..

Harrysgranny Sun 06-Sep-20 18:52:26

would love to send my grandson a b/day card , if only we knew where he is .

Summerlove Sun 06-Sep-20 19:00:50

The best thing you can do is give him the space he’s asked for.

I’m sorry, I know that’s not what you want.

Harrysgranny Sun 06-Sep-20 19:43:13

My son had something of a breakdown when he lost his girlfriend and child. She promised she would keep in touch but when she did not and he tried to contact her she had him charged with harassment. This did not seem like something the girl I had taken in like a daughter would do but she made it obvious that she had found a better option and wanted us out of the picture. My son was suicidal and the only way he got through was to block them out of his life.. I still had my grandson though and I wanted to leave him something in my will so found him on Face book when he was 18 and he told us he had been abused and taken into care but he had also coped by blocking it and could not talk about it. We did not want to pressure him and he lived some miles away so we just offered what help we could like finding him somewhere to live when he was being evicted etc.. When he disappeared from that house we were frantic. but as everyone says he is an adult and can choose to block us too.. My son has now has the guilt of losing his son twice and is back to ignoring his existence and suffering the usual anxiety attacks.. However I am still hoping that one day I shall hear from my grandson again and that someone is looking out for him in these times of uncertain times.

silverlining48 Mon 07-Sep-20 08:05:13

You can always leave a letter for your grandson with the relevant social services department so if and when he contacts them h they would give it to him. I mentioned up thread as he was looked after he will be entitled to support up to age 25.

Starblaze Mon 07-Sep-20 08:23:19

I understand how you must be feeling but you have to look at this from his perspective.

His father was done for harassment which wouldn't have happened if he had gone through the proper channels and then abandoned him by still not then going through the proper channels.

His mum lost him age 8 because she was abusive.

He's had no family for all this time.

You suddenly pop up on Facebook and want to have a relationship...

I'm afraid he doesn't know you and he doesn't automatically have feelings for you because you are family. Look at all the ways he has learnt that family lets him down.

He has your contact details. Let him come to you if he wants to. Until then you have to respect his wishes.

Maybe you should get some counselling to help you cope with this.