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Coming to terms with not seeing family

(10 Posts)
CassieJ Sun 13-Sep-20 10:41:46

Can you ever come to terms with the thought that you won't see part of your family again?
I have been estranged from my son and his family for two years. I arranged for us to meet to discuss how we could move forward and be part of each others lives again.

We met, and it didn't go well at all. His whole body language [ and the way he spoke to me ] said he just didn't want to meet, but was only doing it as an exercise to prove a point in that he had made an effort. We went back and forth, but it was obvious that he really doesn't want me in his life. He then left.

He has estranged himself from all other family members as he felt they were taking sides.

I feel very sad and upset that there is little hope for us and no way forward, and can't imagine not seeing him and his family again. To those who have been living this for years, how do get through this?

Smileless2012 Sun 13-Sep-20 11:17:22

For me, there came a point when the only way I could move on with my life was to accept that we would never see our son or GC again.

You say Cassie that at your last meeting your son's body language and the way he spoke conveyed to you that he hadn't want to meet up at all, doing so to prove he'd made an effort.

For what it's worth, I think he did make an effort. It would have been far easier to ignore you altogether, to refuse to meet or to say what he wanted to say in writing.

It's the same for you too. You made an effort, you met up with your son to tell him no doubt how much you love and miss him and how much you want to have him back in your life.

I'm so sorry that it didn't work out, that he left and you are now left with the indescribable pain of trying to come to terms with the distinct possibility that you'll never see him and his family again.

In situations like this, all we can see, think about and focus on is what we have lost. My first step was to accept that it was over, that we had lost him and the second, was to focus on what we do have.

We have to get through this, what other choice do we have and you'll get through it too Cassie. It takes time. The extent of the pain lessens but never goes away. The wounds that have been inflicted leave scars and we have to learn to live with them.

You're not alone Cassie I'm here for you and I know there are others who will be here for you tooflowers.

Namsnanny Sun 13-Sep-20 12:48:51

I'm so glad smileless has answered your post.
I can never find the best way of putting into words how infinitely this heartbreak affects our lives.
I'm so sorry you are living through this.

How hard for both of you to have met and gained no small resolution.

I have no real solutions to wipe away the pain you are going through.
Sometimes I hide behind hobbies, othertimes I'm swamped by the situation, and dont surface for a while.

Keep posting if you can face talking about the situation.
I think it does help to build bonds and discover how others have got through it.


mumofmadboys Sun 13-Sep-20 13:05:12

Cassie could you arrange another meeting? At least he agreed to meet you. Could you write to him and say you hoped it would have gone better and perhaps you could both try again? I wish you well.

CassieJ Sun 13-Sep-20 13:15:02

Thank you for your kind words.

mumofmadboys, I wrote him a letter before explaining everything, and apologising for whatever I had done [ i'm still not sure what has caused this ], but when we met up he mocked me about the letter telling me normal people don't do things like that. They may write a letter, but they don't post it.
So I don't think another letter would help.

Smileless2012 Sun 13-Sep-20 14:04:44

It does seem from your last post Cassie that the best thing for you is to try and come to terms with what's happened and give yourself time to grieve and heal.

Why agree to meet up with you if his intention was to mock? Cruel and unnecessarysad.

EllanVannin Sun 13-Sep-20 15:47:31

Bear in mind that they'll want you before you want them and in many cases this is how it does work. If you keep telling yourself this it will eventually hit home. No matter what it might be that will draw you together again, but carry on as though nothing had happened.

There could be something going on in his life, you don't know, so let sleeping dogs lie for the time being, then chances are he could wonder at there being no contact from yourself.

Starblaze Sun 13-Sep-20 15:58:06

I can't recommend counselling enough. There is a lot of means tested counselling available. I don't know how measures at the moment have affected things but there is a lot of counselling available online too.

It really helped me to understand why the relationship was failing, how to move on and techniques for coping. Different methods for managing anxiety and for becoming more resilient. It saved me as I was having a breakdown. Life is better now than it was before estrangement.

Good luck

Smileless2012 Sun 13-Sep-20 16:34:44

"chances are he could wonder at there being no contact from yourself" that's a good point EllanVannin. I do wonder how many EAC 'expect' their parents to try and maintain some form of contact, perhaps with birthday and Christmas cards even though they've decided to estrange.

It's a no win situation I always think for EP's; damned if they make contact or damned if they don't, which is why it's so important to make your needs a priority, and do what you feel is right for you.

Madgran77 Sun 13-Sep-20 20:48:42

I also think counselling can help you to think things through. So sorry you are facing this CassieJflowers