Domestic Violence from kids to parents

* Well let me tell you this-----in my day you didn't hear about ADHD or very many children who had psychiatric problems such as there is today. Answer that one*

This tells me all I need to know of your education on the matter and your character.
Thankfully your day is over

tickingbird -- "I can’t abide this type of nonsense. When saying something to a child causes such trauma it does make one wonder how children exposed to the most awful abuse survive. Internalising such stuff? More likely forgotten it in less than a minute." -- As a child abuse survivor I can assure you I didn't forget those type of comments "in less then a minute" because I still remember them now.

Husband and I came from similar 'homes' and to this day there are certain words/phrases that I don't speak because they cause him pain. I don't think he's forgotten either.

It is convenient to believe children 'just forget' those things but that isn't factually accurate. As Dr. Phil says, "It takes 100 'atta boys' to make up for one put-down to a child."

So I'm " barbaric " ? Just because my view is different ?
Strange how my family and step-family have never been estranged from me, for being barbaric !

Well let me tell you this-----in my day you didn't hear about ADHD or very many children who had psychiatric problems such as there is today. Answer that one .

Estrangements happen in the most loving of families so how would you account for that HH ?

I could tell hundreds of stories of children telling me things they have heard or been told at home to demonstrate a point but I can't because that would be breaking trust.

All I can say is that children develop an inner voice and we all have one.

You can Google it, parent, adult child model. but I will find a good link later if anyone is interested.

Do you ever sit and put yourself down or tell yourself you can't do something or tell yourself you are stupid or ridiculous or incapable or too shy or too loud etc?

A lot of that comes from an inner voice that is set from childhood by the adults around us.

If you tell a child they are unlikeable or stupid or nasty, you run the risk of them hearing your voice again as theirs.

A good point tickingbird. I was thinking the same when leaving a baby that has been fed, winded, changed and is safe and warm to cry, was referred too as "barbaric".

Goodness knows some children are treated barbarically by their parents and as a result internalise the trauma they've suffered.

Using such terminology when referring to a baby being left to cry and/or a child who is told they are 'nasty and naughty' is inappropriate when one considers cases of actual barbarity and trauma that some do experience.

She’s 14 months.
The other two liked their own beds by 3.

I actually asked my 4 year old if she wanted a sleepover the other night and she said no and went to her own bed.
So I’m happy that this time is short.

Oh dear that's a definite draw back. I wonder how long it will be before you will be able to get her to sleep in her own bed; how old is she?

I don’t blame you for not getting the McDonald’s for your granddaughter, but under no circumstances should you have called a 7 year old “a naughty nasty child.”

I can’t abide this type of nonsense. When saying something to a child causes such trauma it does make one wonder how children exposed to the most awful abuse survive. Internalising such stuff? More likely forgotten it in less than a minute.

Well I don’t really have an option on her sleeping with us. She won’t sleep in her bed and her screaming for hours isn’t any good for her. I would really love to get my bed back. It’s king size. And it’s still not big enough.
It makes feeding her easier yes but would I love to get up and feed her a few times a night and not be kicked in the head, I would.

I just take the little wins where I can get them.

So it's not just a matter of better practice for the child, it's what suits parents too which is fair enough, as long as it doesn't present problems in the future.

Sleeping with our boys as babies or toddlers wasn't something we or they wanted or needed.

And as is mentioned. All the practitioners that I encountered are very child led. And yes some do in fact baby wear.
They will do their absolute best by the babies. Ensuring that they are safe and loved as close to their families as possible.

There will be parents who can't financially manage for a full years' maternity leave bearing in mind statutory maternity leave is for 39 weeks. For the first 6 weeks 90% of the average weekly pay is received, and for the remaining 33 weeks, it's either a weekly payment of 90% or £151.20 which ever is the lower.

So despite the cost of child minding and day care nursery fees, some will return to work before their child is a year old for financial reasons.

My little dot still sleeps with me sometimes but his bedtime routine is still the same, he just appears if he wakes and I usually sleep through it unless he pinches the duvet lol

Smileless2012

Are some of today's practices more about what the parents want rather than what the child needs?

My friends GS is 20 months old and still hasn't slept alone in his own room. His mum sleeps on a mattress on the bedroom floor.

My sons both slept in my bed until they were around 3 for the same reasons Bibbity gave.

It definitely wasn’t for my benefit. Again, for the same reasons Bibbity gave.

I always follow the pace my sons set. And that includes their independence. So, when they were ready, they helped chose their big boy beds and we helped them settle in.

It really is only for such a short time. They do not stay small for long. I miss the baby cuddles so much!

Bibbity -- "I don’t sleep as awfully as I would because it’s easy to feed her through the night. Trust me. I don’t want to sleep with a baby." -- That gave me a good old laugh. No truer words could be spoken when it comes to night feedings. That brought back some 'fun' memories. I laughed out the words "night feedings" and husband said, "Yes. Let us never speak of those again..."

Well if the way a child was raised caused their issues that made them violent the parent may not have done it intentionally but it was caused by them.

Discipline used to involve violence. This was encouraged by Doctors, teachers, the Government so could you ‘ blame’ a parent for doing such?

But I know children who have cut their parents off because of how they were disciplined.

So while they may have been clueless. They are not absolved of the consequences.

This is making me think again about what I posted earlier, if we're not careful, a propensity to parent blame when that parent becomes a victim of their child's abuse.

Parenting practices change but do those changes correlate with an increase or decrease in the number of cases where parents are experiencing domestic violence, at the hands of their children.

Smileless2012

So do child minders and day nursery staff carry babies in their care in baby wraps too?

My son’s nursery told me that its not very common for them to be caring for young babies.

Which would make sense, because in the U.K. maternity leave is one year. And nursery fees are very expensive.

There was a 6 week old baby at that nursery though, who’s mum was in the final year of her degree. He was always carried by the staff. I guess they were able to because all the other children were mobile.

Starblaze -- "Follow the rules your children give you as grandparents, they have researched or been given advice and need to be supported in feeling they are doing everything in their power to raise their children the right way." -- 100%

Again... This is why I would never leave my children with my parents or in-laws. They know best/all and by golly they are going to do things THEIR "way"... Not with my children I'm afraid. I guess they'll have to practice their grand-parenting on their other grand-children. Oh wait... They don't have any other grand-children... I wonder if that's Our fault too? Anyways...

It's MY way or the high-way/the buck stops with Me when it comes to how my children are treated by the adults around them. I am the 'gate-keeper'/final decision maker for my children. Their health and best interests are my primary focus as a parent.

My primary focus as an adult is to be a good wife/spouse/partner and be a healthier person so I can be a good mother. Happy parents have happy children.

It’s about what is best for the child.
My daughter is 14 months and sleeps in our bed.
It’s a win for both. She sleeps better with me beside her, I don’t sleep as awfully as I would because it’s easy to feed her through the night.
Trust me. I don’t want to sleep with a baby.
I miss being able to watch TV in bed, we have to have sex elsewhere, and I get kicked.

But it’s only for such a small time.
And just like my other two I know the day will come when they want to go shopping for their big girl bed. And that’s it.
All done. In love with their beds and bragging that they sleep alone now.

Are some of today's practices more about what the parents want rather than what the child needs?

My friends GS is 20 months old and still hasn't slept alone in his own room. His mum sleeps on a mattress on the bedroom floor.

I'm a bit unusual with a huge gap between eldest and youngest and a few years in between all.

Every time I came home with a new baby I came home with different/new/updated advice.

Every time I read, understood and followed it.

This is why I often say to friends or other new grandparents

Follow the rules your children give you as grandparents, they have researched or been given advice and need to be supported in feeling they are doing everything in their power to raise their children the right way.

So do child minders and day nursery staff carry babies in their care in baby wraps too?

It’s very easy with a baby wrap. My newborn was pretty much attached to me for months.
It made it so easy to continue to interact with my older two, and by wearing the right clothes I could just pop a boob out and she could feed in there.

I understand that HolyHannah; we were fortunate that there was never an issue for us when it came to leaving our boys with those who had parented/grand parented us.