Domestic Violence from kids to parents

Fuchsiarose I was abused physically and then emotionally... My brother wasn't. He grew into someone abusive, I became someone it was easy to take advantage of and abuse.

Eventually I undid that and married a great man.

I think there are other factors but the main factor for both myself and my brother was an unhealthy home no matter the outcome. Some children find strength and resilience from elsewhere I would guess or the after effects appear in ways they are able to conceal from others.

EllanVannin -- Shouldn't a parent be able to spot if the child is manipulating and take appropriate steps to end the undesirable behavior? If a minor child is "out-smarting"/manipulating the parent how is that the child's fault? The adult is letting the child 'call the shots' (giving in to the manipulation) and shows poor parenting... That is definitely not a child's fault/problem.

Separating the child from the action is the the psychologist way. Saying the child is a naughty nasty child is wrong, but telling the child why it is wrong to behave like that is preferable. Kids dont even listen to that now. A mother I knew behaved badly towards her son, and I was forever reasoning with her that she had to take responsibility for her outbursts towards him.. he grew into a fine young man and became a police officer in spite of his frazzled mother. The other good child, grew up to do nothing with their life. Strange times

The kid-glove treatment doesn't always work either as some children are one step ahead and know how to manipulate.

MrsWarren -- "I don’t blame you for not getting the McDonald’s for your granddaughter, but under no circumstances should you have called a 7 year old “a naughty nasty child.”

That’s the kind of things children internalise and words like those became their inner voice."

I would add that there is a huge difference between calling a child's behavior nasty/naughty and calling the child that. As an adult if someone hurts you verbally you don't lash out back by calling the other party names and that goes double when the 'other party' is a minor child.

We can't expect children to express themselves in a healthy way by calling them names ourselves and storming off leaving the situation unresolved.

These things need to be addressed and talked through properly. An agreement needs to be found about the proper way to talk to each other going forward and how that benefits everyone.

Respect and trust is mutual and we show how to get it by showing how to give it

Maybe pity is not the right word. I mean I feel sad for her.

There is a lot going on in this post. I was interested to see what people would say and I agree with everything being said.

Kids do need firmness. A good father figure could be a help, but if the damage has already been done in the formative years they may not respond well to him. I really pity that poor lady who was drop kicked. I hope she gets some help.

You're so right Smileless, often those abuse - abuse others. Sometimes those abused are attracted to abusers and get re-abused so the cycle repeats itself all over again unless someone has psychological help or other help to break the patterns. It's terribly sad and there needs to be more awareness, especially with covid.

I tried to assist my daughter and in no uncertain terms my GD screamed at me to F--k Off. I told her she was a naughty nasty child and then left the house as I was appalled. When my daughter phoned me 2 hours later asking if I would send some McDonalds for my GD I told her when I get an apology I might consider talking to her again but on no terms was I rewarding her with any McDonalds.

I don’t blame you for not getting the McDonald’s for your granddaughter, but under no circumstances should you have called a 7 year old “a naughty nasty child.”

That’s the kind of things children internalise and words like those became their inner voice.

There is nothing worse than seeing children blamed for reacting to situations that are outwith their control.

Not providing appropriate boundaries for a child is considered a form of abuse.

Children aren’t born knowing how to behave. And violent behaviour manifests as a result of something going on, it’s not an end result of giving your tantruming child a packet of sweets.

That's very sad 3nanny you were right to refuse to provide McDonald's when your GD had behaved so badly. That's a very good point. The poor mother Chewbacca referred too may well have been the victim of abuse from her children's father, witnessed by the children, so they are repeating behaviour previously witnessed.

Now she has her own son's abusive behaviour to contend with.

There's a lot of research into how those traumatised in early life grow up to be violent and abusive adults. The cycle of abuse that so badly needs to be broken, but so many who are caught up in it don't have the resources or the help they need to break it.

Oh by the way Chewbacca if he is physically aggressive at playtimes to the girls then he is possibly displaying a behaviour he has seen. I think a post said the mother was a single parent perhaps he witnessed his father being violent to the mother.

Bibbity

Violence against children has proven to produce violent adults.

This is true.

I watched this video recently and I think it is relevant to this thread. It is called Step Inside the Circle and highlights how prison populations are made up of some of the most traumatised individuals in our society.

vimeo.com/398088783?fbclid=IwAR0taWsI7xgRXmXPH45qIMAR-c1gkzFDmGW_Ru58GRXQEZqay0FYfYKm_Tc

Chewbacca that story is sad and the boys sound out of control.
It sounds to me that the mother is in need of help and if they are behaving like that then usually that type of behaviour also spills over into other area of their lives. I am surprised the school has not seen anything and tried to intervene.

I will just say this story is about boys but little girls can also display quite bad behaviour. My own daughter is now getting behavioural displays from my GD aged 7 and half years. Several weeks ago I dropped something off to my daughter and there was a shouting part crying row going on with my GD she was not doing anything physical to her mother but her language was like something from the sewers. I was shocked as to how she even knew those words.
I tried to assist my daughter and in no uncertain terms my GD screamed at me to F--k Off. I told her she was a naughty nasty child and then left the house as I was appalled. When my daughter phoned me 2 hours later asking if I would send some McDonalds for my GD I told her when I get an apology I might consider talking to her again but on no terms was I rewarding her with any McDonalds.

Violence against children has proven to produce violent adults.

Oh, a good old-fashioned thick ear would be in order

Not allowed EV; it's considered to be child abuse.

Oh, a good old-fashioned thick ear would be in order

There is a distinct lack of discipline that's so very evident everywhere you look.

I'd like to meet the kid that gets the better of me ! Even now.

Shocking isn't it Smileless. The younger boy is in my GD's class at the same school and although he's well behaved and no trouble during lessons, he's physically aggressive at playtimes, particularly towards the girls.

It must be very hard as a mother to accept your son is being violent towards you. You gave birth to him and brought him up. I'm sure we defend our children to others if they are being criticised. I think that sometimes there is much more going on and we never truly know what goes on behind closed doors. I would be devastated if my children were to abuse me in any way and would find it difficult to deal with.

OMG that's awful Chewbacca

My house is on the main route to an infant/junior school and each day I see mums and dads taking their children back and forth. There's one young mum, who I've been told is a single mother, with 2 little boys aged 7 and 9. She's slightly built, seems quite timid and frequently looks frazzled. The first time I encountered them was as I was getting off a bus, just as they were walking past. The bus driver and I both gasped in surprise as one of the boys ran, from some distance, and drop kicked his mother in the back of her legs. She fell to the ground and both her son's ran ahead laughing. The bus driver and I helped her to her feet and she brushed away any offers of help. The 2nd time I saw them was as they were walking back from school, going up a flight of steep stone steps. Again, one of the boys came up behind her and kicked her in the back of her legs. Fortunately, she didn't lose her balance and managed to carry on. The 3rd time I saw them was just last week, as they walked past my house. Mother and one son walking together; 2nd son lagging a little way behind. Whilst his mother had her back to him, he once again ran up and kicked her hard in the back of the legs and again she fell to her knees. Both boys ran ahead, laughing at her. Other parents ran to help her but, probably embarrassed, she shrugged off any offers of help. I spoke to my DIL, who knows the family well and she said that father left some time ago and the mother struggles to keep any control of the boys. Worryingly, she has bruises on her arms and legs and, whilst schools were on lockdown and the children were at home all day, she was seen with a black eye.

Those children are 7 and 9 years old, desperately needing a positive father figure in their lives and someone to teach them respect for their parents and themselves. I worry what they, and their mother, will be like when they're 6 foot teenagers and able to drink.

That's certainly a good quote in relation to this particular thread Urmstongran, although it isn't always the case as people can change much later in life, and not always for the better.

I have come across situations where the mere presence of the police at the door can make a huge difference, and the abusive son being taken into custody, for one night in the cells is the short, sharp shock that gets the message across.

I think so too, we need to teach children how to be healthy adults, the boundaries of acceptable behaviour, responsibility, the skills they need to look after themselves out in the world. It's so important, that we are a buffer against those negative influences or problems that arise so that even if they do go off the rails they find their way back to them.

Objectively that doesn't help when the relationship has become abusive. The police can be a valuable resource then and any crime no matter who commits it should be reported as there are courses/other help available through those sources for perpetrators and help available for victims in the hope the damage can be undone for the future and the relationship can become healthy again from both directions.... Or not as we know here in estrangement if one party or both is not interested in healing it.

“Give me a child until he is 7 and I will show you the man.”

― Aristotle, The Philosophy of Aristotle

I always believe that if you don't have discipline and appropriate control when they're little, you've no chance when they become young adults.