SUPPORT for all living with estrangement

Whiff

Onward you are making sense. New things are scary. And being able to open up and let people into your life is scarier still. I sent Smiles lots of PMs before I plucked up the courage to openly post. And could only do that because of her replies and understanding.

I spent from the age of 16 until 45 with a wonderful man until he died. Had 29 years as a couple. You would not believe all the firsts I have done since then. But I did them.

You are probably doing a lot of firsts as well. But life is for living and live the best life you can. It's hard but don't know about you but I get a huge sense of achievement from the littlest things usually silly things that people take for granted. Perfect example last year aged 62 brought myself a coreless drill and a flat pack bedside table. Never used a drill before or made a flat pack kit. Took me 2 hours the tops not square but I don't care . I did it and it's looks good to me I even put 3 coats of varnish on.

This is a safe place please stay. I for one would like to know you better.?

Thankyou for your kindness Smiless2012 There has been a lot to process and I'm sorry for disappearing. You have done well to stay in the same place 7 years. I can't even stay in the same place five minutes sometimes! I appreciate your input on here.

Thankyou for your kind words, Whiff.
I'm so sorry about your OH. That must have been such a huge loss, I can't even find the words to know what to say

I know it is a safe place, it's just my own baggage. I can't keep running or I'll just end up nowhere. I agree with you, it's really hard to put things "out there" and then there is the worry that someone may identify you.

You are doing so well with that cordless drill! I have never used one, but well done you! That's brilliant!

Hthb ....welcome. You are in the right place to get support, understanding and suggestions for what to do that you can consider. Generally people are honest and try to be helpful.

By writing to you your daughter is trying to explain the problems from HER perspective. It seems that she needs to hear you apologise that those situations arose. She doesn't want to hear why they happened, why you couldn't stop them happening, why it was out of your control. She wants you to hear how it was for her and how she feels about it. That is really hard for you I imagine as you, absolutely understandably, want and need to put your perspective and to explain

So as far as I can see if you want to prioritise continuing contact with your daughter/grandchildren your best response is to listen, really listen, without interrupting.

Then you have a choice of simple and short responses that let your daughter FEEL heard:

*I am sorry that happened to you
*I am sorry that you experienced that
*I am sorry that I got that wrong for you
*I understand that you are angry
*I understand that you are angry with me
*I understand that you think I should have ....

You could use the same phrases in a letter in reply to her letters maybe.

The point with these responses is that you are telling her that you have heard what she has said, that you understand what she has said and that you are sorry for what she experienced/feels etc

You are NOT using words like "..but I had to..." "..but I couldn't because..." "...but that wasn't my fault..." etc.

I know how hard this would be to do because of course we all want to explain, to put our perspective etc. I am just saying that if you want to try and avoid driving her away and her walking away completely this seems, from what you have told us, to be the "safest" approach to take.

I am so sorry that you are going through this. Others will I know have helpful and understanding advice for you too. Take it all and use it all to help you see a way through that works for you

I am at the beginning of a very difficult time in my happy life , we’re my daughter dosent want a thing to do with me ... I have grandchildren who I miss so dearly and are being kept from me , they live in a different county and I have had 1 FaceTime in 3 months ... I have tried to address issues which are going back over a period of years , each time we chat I get real cheeky text and I have had letters explaining how she has felt about situation , Shen o try to chat about them she dosent like my explanations because she wants me to constantly say I am sorry for things that are not my doing and we’re out of my control ... I am so scared I loose her and my grandchildren but she is tears strips off me and I am struggling with it all ...

agnurse I have that much blood taken it doesn't bother me anymore. When I had jaundice I had 13 vials of blood taken from me twice a day for 5 days. After my hysterectomy my husband gave me 22 injections of heparin plus what the nurses gave me in hospital. I have been hooked up to electricity and had to be earthed and a low charge into my muscles which I never felt. Not some medieval torture but neurology tests. The worst thing was having my eye poked with tiny bit of cotton wool. Again at the neurological hospital.

Have read what to expect at from urological exam. Don't like the sound of some of the tests but will let them do what they want as I can't go on like this . Don't like taking so many antibiotics as I will begin to tolerate them and they won't do their job.

Sorry turned this into a health thread.

Hopefully it will be sunny today for everyone everywhere. ?

The weird thing about me is that although I'm a nurse and have given and supervised students giving probably hundreds of injections, I can't watch when I am getting an injection or having blood drawn. I honestly don't know why.

Thank you Armadillo. I always leave myself a note to remind me. I usually drink a pint of water. I have had that much blood taken over the years I watch them do it. My brother is a joker every time he has blood taken he always says he's scare of needles. The idiot he has tattoos all up both arms. He said it today before he had his Covid jab.

The first test available is on 22nd. The hospital used to have walk-in blood tests but closed for the time being. But there are lot of places that do it. The health care up here is excellent .

Remember to get hydrated before blood tests as the vains are bigger and less painful to poke then.

Spoke to my GP this morning. Having a blood test and being referred to an urologist. Thought I had got off lightly with just a sore arm from AZ jab but had to be the 1 in 100 uncommon group. Abdominal pain. Only down side to a bungalow my pavers know how many times I've been to the loo.

On the bright side they are outside. It's sunny but windy and as usual working like demons. Always a silver lining.

onwardandupwardSmiles is right. Don’t allow anyone to abuse you. Have you confronted your mother about the rumors?

Thank you *Smiles *and Onwardandupward. My son did NOT leave Quanon. My DM hallucinations made her tell me this. And he is not seeing a psychiatrist. That was all moms voices telling her that. When she is psychotic she hears voices and talks to them. She talked to them the whole time I drove her to the hospital.
WhiffI am being pulled in all directions. I seem to be the one everyone comes to with their problems. Too bad I can’t get paid .
I do talk to a psychologist a few times a month and she is helping me sort things out. It’s hard when mental illness is in the family.
So I truly am convinced that my ES has some mental issues and this the estrangement.

Onward you are making sense. New things are scary. And being able to open up and let people into your life is scarier still. I sent Smiles lots of PMs before I plucked up the courage to openly post. And could only do that because of her replies and understanding.

I spent from the age of 16 until 45 with a wonderful man until he died. Had 29 years as a couple. You would not believe all the firsts I have done since then. But I did them.

You are probably doing a lot of firsts as well. But life is for living and live the best life you can. It's hard but don't know about you but I get a huge sense of achievement from the littlest things usually silly things that people take for granted. Perfect example last year aged 62 brought myself a coreless drill and a flat pack bedside table. Never used a drill before or made a flat pack kit. Took me 2 hours the tops not square but I don't care . I did it and it's looks good to me I even put 3 coats of varnish on.

This is a safe place please stay. I for one would like to know you better.?

It's not hard to be low contact when you don't live nearby. After I wrote that I wished I hadn't written about her and tried to delete my account to get rid of it. But then I couldn't find out how to delete GN. I had my other post deleted by GN because I was worried about it being "outing".

This is a safe place to be, but I want to run away from it, if that makes sense? And I can't find the delete button. At the same time I really value all you lovely people. I'm not making sense , am I?

You certainly did go out of the frying pan and into the fire OnwardandUpward. It's good to know that you're having counselling and I hope you find it helpful.

The only thing that is right is what's right for you and if it's right that you stay low contact rather than going no contact, that is what you must do.

Hello Ubby and welcome not just to GN but to this support thread. Whiff has summed up this thread and those of us who regularly post here perfectly.

When you're ready, I hope you'll be able to share some of what you're going through with those who because of their own experiences will understand.

You might find it reassuring to read some of the pages previous to this one, as no doubt some of what you're going through has been gone through by one if not all of us.

I first found a support thread here on GN, my first actually, more than 7 years ago and I'm still here among the friends I have made and those I've still to make.

I hope you'll post again.

Ubby the help ,support and understanding I have had from Smiles and everyone here has meant the world to me. I can never thank them enough. This is a safe place to be and no one is every unkind or unfeeling . It's like being with a group of very special friends that you know would give you a hug if they could.

Hello It's nice here but you have to say everything as clear as possible as otherwise it gets confused a bit ha ha

Hi. Just joined. Not sure how to navigate. Read a book called Done With Crying and the author suggested a forum like this. I searched online and found this one. I need help w it

I'm just learning about people who are like that and I realised that someone I lived with was just like my mum and now I think that I wouldn't fall for a person like that but my mum made me have low self esteem and think I deserved it all. I think I was lucky he cheated and she made him leave me. They deserved each other. I would have had an horrible life.
I think that's what they both were and if anyone escapes someone like that they have to get healthy so they can know they are better off rid.

I was married to a narc a long time ago @Smileless who separated me from all my family and friends. Unfortunately my parents are both narcs who enabled each other horribly and I had such low self esteem that this relationship felt right at the time. It was from the frying pan into the fire, though fortunately a long time ago.
Still, trying to free myself of the narc influence and having counselling. I don't want to go NC because I would rather be "dutiful" even though Im suffering. I can't win whatever I do anyway.

I agree OnwardandUpward. No one is safe from a narcissist, not even the person they marry.

Thanks Smiles well, she isn't local so a gift is the least I could do and a phone call of duty. I'm sure she's causing absolute havoc to my siblings though, so I got off lightly.
I always dread phoning her because she hates everything I do and never hesitates to try and make me feel insecure. It's very sad because she only kept in touch with her own Mother out of duty and now she is also treated that way by her own kids. I feel sorry for her, but never want to be like her.

So sorry about your DM's psychotic episode Rhinestone That's super traumatic! I'm so glad for you that your son says he's no longer a Qanon member. I have a son that had similar "interests" and I didn't mention it before, but he hasn't mentioned it for a while so I hope it's dying out. I think the main perpetrators must be in prison.

MM is a narc who has separated her H from his family. No question. I've seen this happen in families before. I feel sorry for the Queen!

Oh Rhinestone I'm so very sorry dear friend. You can never relax can you as you never know if and when things will take a turn for the worse with your mum. It must be frightening for her as well as you.

I don't know if your son leaving Quanon is as good news as it should be if he says he's been receiving death threats. You also have the knowledge that he has to leave his dad's by next week.

Whiff's right, you need cuddles so I'm sending you the biggest virtual (((hug))) I can and sending you my love.

I think estrangement is all but inevitable Armadillo. It isn't just a question of H&M not wanting this to happen but also what H's family want.

I don't think it will be seen to have happened until the Queen in particular and PP have died but I suspect when they do, what contact, if any will die with them.

H famously said, and no doubts wish he hadn't that 'what M wants M gets' and when it comes to him being estranged from his family, I for on believe that's what she wants and she'll get it too.

Our ES's wife got what she wanted so it doesn't bode well.

I can't relate to anyone in the royal family or Harry and Meghan. I think that hopefully they won't end up estranged like us as they are talking. It's just a shame that everything has to be so public and add pressure as our press are awful the headlines they write.

Rhinestone sorry you have so many worries. You must be very stressed. You seem to be pulled in all directions. I hope you have some one you can talk to and have lots of cuddles. Because sometimes all we need is a cuddle to make things seem better. Silly but it helps. Sometimes think they should be prescribed. A cuddle a day makes the bad things go away( for a while at least).

My view on Meghan and Harry is she is an actress and he needs to take responsibility for his actions. And stop blaming everyone else . Even in the army he didn't really face the same danger as the other soldiers. He was protected at all times. Unlike his uncle in the Falklands war no protection in a helicopter from a missile.

As an American I have a hard time understanding the monarchy with their archaic rules. And after watching the H &M interview I don’t understand that either. Was that a ploy to get revenge? They got married three days before their wedding so it could be just about them. She was suicidal and no one would allow her to get help. Why did she need permission? I know the royals bring in tourism but I’m not sure I would want to pay taxes so people who have no power could live in luxury. It just seems so wasteful.
I hope you are all doing well with the pandemic. I had a nightmare weekend as my DM had a psychotic episode while staying with us and I had to hospitalize her. She told me last week that my ES came by and left her a gift card and that he says he would call me. She said he said that he was getting death threats so he’s no longer a Quanon member. Then she said he told her he was going to a psychiatrist. Well that threw me for a loop and for one day I had hope. I texted him and asked if he told his grandmother those things . I begged him to reply. He did and said no to everything but he did get her a gift and left it. So we knew she was ill and making up stories. We talked to her dr and got her new meds. We took her to our house where she talked to voices in her head and left our house four times in the middle of the night. We have an alarm so we knew when she left. She was outside with her robe and no coat ... four times. I slept maybe two hours and after a four hour wait at the hospital they took her in. She is bipolar and had not taken her meds for a week.
My ES has not inquired about my DM since.
My X husband has given him eviction papers and he is supposed to be out next week.

"Duty is important to me" and I admire and respect you for that OnwardandUpward but please don't allow your sense of duty to override your right for an abusive free life and your right to peace and happiness.