SUPPORT for all living with estrangement

It's very hard for me to get why anyone would ever cut off a good mum

Sometimes the key is other relationships that an AC develops. If that relationship is not a healthy one, if that new person in their life moves into coercive control/domestic abuse and so on, then the AC will quite cleverly be made to see their "good mum" as the problem, the one at fault. This can impact at different levels, the most extreme being estrangement. Even if the outcome is not full estrangement it might be low contact or difficult relationships or parents treading on egg shells or any number of variations on a theme!

Ofcourse you are sad for what you never had Armadillo if only because if what "might have been"! But you sound happier and more comfortable without her in your life and that is so good

It's very hard for me "to get" why any parent, mother or father, would abuse their own child or any child come to that Armadillo but it happens, just as good parents get estranged by their AC.

There are bad parents and bad AC out there.

It's understandable to be sad about something you never had. We're sad about not being able to be GP's to our only GC, even though we never were. The sadness I think comes from knowing what should have been, but never was.

This lock down doesn't help does it 3nanny I think we're all feeling a bit more glum than normal; I know I am. So it's a new GS who will be making an appearance, how wonderful.

It's a shame that some of the shine has been taken from such good news because of recent events but positive that your son and his GF are back together and that she's agreed to some therapy.

Your instinct to be a little reserved is a good one and understandable IMO.

It's good to know that life for you has become easier Whiff. You have helped me too, which getting to know one another on this thread and by pm one another is all about.

We've all given and received help here and for me, that's a good thing that's come out of our estrangement.

When I joined GN there was just one thread on this subject and those of us who were posting were still 'new at this' so still raw with the pain that we were going through.

8 years on and I can share how life for us has moved on as others can and do. To know about PF's reconciliation and others, gives hope to those who keep that candle of hope burning in their hearts, and it's uplifting news for me, even though that little candle was extinguished some time ago.

I know that the love I have for our ES is there but it;'s different now. I love him but I'm not in love with him if that makes any sense.

Our little poodle is improving gradually but still has a way to go I think. If he's not 100% after the weekend we'll need to take him back so he can have an x ray which we're hoping to avoid as it will require an anesthetic which always has a degree of risk involved.

So fingers crossed!!

It's very hard for me to get why anyone would ever cut off a good mum.
Even though my mum thinks she was a good mum that's only because she thinks she is wonderful and she has people around her who think and act the same ways.
Its so weird that people cut off good parents to me when I think about how much I put up with before I did and even then it was more because I couldn't even be around her like my body wouldn't let me any more like trying to touch something you are scared of like a spider.
Now she has said she doesnt want a relationship with me either I feel more comfirtable knowing we both just don't get on and can go our seperate ways as I 7didnt feel loved anyway. It still hurts a bit but more that I don't have a good mum not that I don't have my mum. Shouldn't be sad because of what I never had.

Reading this thread and them opening up to Smiles via PM. Plucky up the courage to post here has made my life so much easier. I know I can't change what my son and daughter in law have done .

Also I know I have done everything in my power to be a good and loving mom since both our children where born. Even through my illness they and my husband came first. The years leading up to his death and since . It was so important to him that we lead a normal life and not let his cancer over shadow that. Only the 4 of us knew he wouldn't live ,we only told everyone once it was terminal. He had made me promise a lot of things and proud to say I have kept them. I also know he would have made the children keep some as well. But I have never asked them as it's between them and their dad.

One of the promises was to look after his mom who he didn't like and she is only the second person I have ever hated my father in law being the other. He knew how I felt but I looked after her until she died. So I image he asked the children to look after me.

My relationship with my daughter couldn't be stronger . My son in law has been a great support to me and my grandson's are a joy.

I miss my son my love for him hasn't lessoned yet but image it will over time. Any love I had for my daughter in law died recently after finding out something she wrote which is unforgivable. My 3 grandson's I miss greatly but they had no choice. The oldest 2 it will be a year next month since they were here. And the youngest I don't even know his name exactly when he was born or have a photo of him. When they are older if they want me I will be here. It's their choice.

What I am trying in my long winded way is Smiles and all of you have made my life better and I thank you all for that. You sharing your stories has made all this easier to bare and I know I am not alone.????

Change of tack.
Smiles how is your dog ? I hope he is feeling better.

Ziggy and Smiles just hearing that life is good and you have now found happiness in your lives is most uplifting to hear.
I have been feeling a tiny bit glum and cannot put my finger on why. I no longer even think about a relationship with anyone probably because I have been on my own for some time and whoever it was would have to have the patience of a saint to put up with me.
I have much to look forward to with the new G.C. due to arrive in early July and although my sons partner threw all his belongings out it was only three days before she was begging him to go back to her even if it meant going into therapy. He agreed to give things another try as he is focused on being in his childs life. They had another scan last week and although he did not want to know what they were having he could not resist and it is a boy, so he is over the moon about that.
I am still a bit annoyed what she done and I am staying a bit reserved but never the less it is still good news.

I'm glad you came back Ziggy.

It's such a painful thing to go through so I understand why in the past you found it too painful to talk about.

I hope that you've found it helpful to read what gets posted here. Just knowing that you're not alone is a comfort as so often, especially when we are first estranged, we think we're the only ones and it must be our fault.

It's great that you have a happy marriage and life is good. TBH when we were first estranged, and for at least two years, I didn't think we could ever be happy again, but we are.

thank you for kind replies. I did post on here a very long time ago but the situation was so painful I stopped posting, although I often pop in and read other posts. My heart goes out to everyone dealing with estrangement.

I re-married 4 years ago (for which I was never really forgiven by my daughter), we have a wonderfully happy marriage and life is good, Maybe one day things will change

OwardandupwardThank you for the link. I live in the states but will see if we have anything like that here. I’m afraid the damage is done.
Welcome Ziggy. We are here for you .

Hi Ziggy and if this is your first post here 'welcome'.

We too have found that time lessens the pain and life becomes more tolerable. It's more than 8 years for us and life has gone from being tolerable to happy and peaceful once more.

The sadness and anger rear their heads from time to time which is only to be expected as I think regardless of how well we 'cope', being estranged by your own child is rightly described as a living bereavement and you never fully recover from it.

You did the right thing no longer sending your ED cards and gifts. As 3nanny has said, what's the point if in so doing encourages her to post hurtful comments on social media.

3nanny "when you mean so little to someone why try to find a way back into their life" sad but true.

So hard for you and any EP who also becomes estranged from the GC they've established a loving relationship with. So hard for the children too.

It's good to know that the presents you send for them don't get returned. This at least retains some form of contact all be it at a distance.

Ziggy62 : I have not seen you post before so Hello. Sorry you lost your husband 13 years ago, and then had to also go through estrangement with your daughter. I can understand the not sending of cards and gifts as what is the point if you only receive hurtful comments.

I am not in the early days of estrangement mine has gone on for some time, I know what you mean about the hurt not being so painful although I don't think it fully goes away.

I have posted before that I take food parcels to my daughters house and leave them at her door, I have not done it for several weeks now maybe because it only brings it home to me how little I mean in her life and when you mean so little to someone why try to find a way back into their life.
My thoughts are mainly for the G.C that were a big part of my life for all their early years although even then looking back my D was so demanding I don't know how I put up with it. Two of the G.C have birthdays very soon and I will get them birthday presents which have always been received by them and not returned. It is not an easy life.

today is my daughter's birthday and 30 years since I married her father, he died 13years ago .

We haven't spoken for 3 years and I no longer send cards or gifts as when I do she posts very hurtful comments on social media.

Anyway as time has gone on it has got easier to cope with , very like a bereavement.

Just wanted to offer a bit of hope to those in the early days of estrangement, it always hurts but one day the hurt isnt so painful

Thanks Iam I've sent you a pm this morning. I had problems yesterday afternoon when the site crashed so I think you're right about those gremlins.

He continues to improve; had a 'mad moment' last night which is always very entertaining. A sudden burst of energy resulting in charging around for 3 or 4 minutes.

You're right to be concerned about repressed memories Whiff especially as your son has been accusing you of things that never happened.

They do exist of course, I had repressed memories about the abuse I suffered as a small child that began to resurface when I was 19. Interestingly, some our son's false allegations are about incidents that happened in his wife's relationship with her own parents.

Rhinestoneit's frightening how much damage these mind controlling cults can have. I understand why you feel so hopeless; I'm so sorry x.

Smiles - just catching up, I struggled with the forum the past couple of days. Gremlins aren’t only stopping pm’s it seems

So sorry to hear about your poodle. Sending a hug to both of you

Onward it's Rhinestone's son who has joined Quanon . You have got us mixed up again.

So sorry Whiff! Im sure there must be some help online for relatives of those who have joined Qanon. It might not be specific and you might need to look at sites for people whose relatives have been radicalised. It kind of is similar when you think about it because of the extreme views. I found this online, it's probably not your area but there might be something for your area where you might find help or advice www.newham.gov.uk/health-adult-social-care/safeguarding-prevention/6

Whiff Thank you . I’m not a psychiatrist but I do know people can suppress memories when they have had some trauma in their lives. It’s funny but my son never remembered what his dad did to him as a kid, throwing him up against the wall and putting his hand around his throat. Yet all of a sudden he told my mother that my X was horrible to him before our divorce and he was correct. So now he remembers?
I wish all he had was anxiety as now he would have to de program from that Quanon cult. An expert in that field told my X that my ES is in very deep into the cult and it would be hard to get him out.
I have never felt so hopeless in all my life.

Smiles glad your dog is slowly improving. What's his name?

Rhinestone I am sorry you have all this worry with your son. I think the only therapy that would help him if he was in a specialist hospital or home don't know what you would call them where you are. As he could get full time care and help from experts.

My nephew suffers from depression and panic attacks I know this isn't as bad as your son. But I worry about him. Especially as the psychiatrist he had a hour and half phone consultation with on Monday suggested he was suffering from supressed memories from when he was 12/13 . He asked my opinion and if someone asks then I tell them what I think. Told him I don't believe in that and would take it with a pinch of salt. Didn't like that. But he knew better than ask me as I don't lie. I think that is a dangerous route to take.
I feely admit I don't understand much about mental illness. But I know from experience some of the things my son has accused me of never happened. My son doesn't have mental health problems but think my daughter in law does. As she has had anxiety and panic attacks before having the children.

Rhinestone just hope he gets the help he needs.

SmilesWhew! Poor baby but he will be okay.
ES is still living with my X but has 29 more days to move.
He calked my DM again last night and said he has no family or friends left as they don’t like his views. Said my Dd and I lie as well as his dad. Said they are listening in on the phones. Not sure if he means the Gov or what. Said my daughter was a sh** mom.
Mom said he starters talking non stop about Quanon and how Trump will save us.
Is there enough therapy in the world to tackle this ?

Don't know what's going on with GN but I had such a going on with it this morning/early afternoon that I gave up!!!

Our little man is certainly better than he was yesterday but clearly not 100% but it's still early days.

I think that was maybe a good omen 3nanny.

Smiles did not get on here yesterday and the computer is even playing up today. Glad to hear the little poodle has nothing too seriously wrong with plenty of TLC and the medication
he will be back to his old self in no time. It must be de-ja-vu
as when I was in the pet shop yesterday I saw three poodles
the smaller sized ones which was unusual as often there are quite a few breeds that go in Pets at Home with their owners but yesterday it was only poodles.

Smiles glad he will be ok. Plenty of TLC and the medication he will soon be his normal self.

Smileless - Sending love and roast chicken (as a side dish to the steak) to your little one. I agree that our furry family members are often the ones who are most sensitive and who love us unconditionally. Wishing him a speedy recovery!

Sounds good Chewbacca I'll give him Mr. S.'s.

Thanks Nell.

Sorry Rhinestone in all my excitement I forgot to respond to your post.

I remember that incident, it was awful for you because you did your best to smooth things over. Such a worry for you; do you know where he's living now?

Ah Smileless so very pleased that the news is good. Such a relief isn't it? Fillet steak, lightly grilled and sliced thinly for him tonight I think?

Thank goodness Smiles - SO relieved it's nothing too awful. Hope the poor little man feels better soon. x