SUPPORT for all living with estrangement

Just popping in for a quick wave. The sun is shining and it's my cleaning morning. Have a good one all. x

Our ES's wife's parents were abusive. Their marriage was volatile with verbal and physical abuse and that extended to their daughter.

Before the estrangement she told me that she hadn't realised that our family was how families could and should be and yet she tore our family apart anyway.

Her parents eventually divorced and despite the childhood she had, as far as we know they are still a part of her life although on more than one occasion she's cut them out; they didn't even attend their wedding.

The only GP's our GC have in their lives have a history of abusive behaviour and alcohol abuse and yet we are the ones who aren't fit to be in their lives.

It's beyond our comprehension and always will be.

Armadillo you aren't an abuser. You were abused. The amount of courage you have shown getting away from your mother is amazing.

I know what my father suffered at the hands of his dad and stepmother. That was physical abuse. My dad would never use that word as he said it made him a victim and to him he didn't want to be that. His mom died when he was 3 and his brother 18 months. His dad remarried within 6 months. No he wasn't having an affair before hand. He moved them from Guernsey to West Midlands . Met her there.. They had 5 children the youngest had downs syndrome. He was the only one his father and step mother love and cared for. In 1950 it was normal to put disabled children into a home. But they didn't. My dad and his siblings all loved him. He lived until he was 57. By them his oldest sister was looking after him his mother had died years before. He died 2 months after my dad. My aunt said he pined away for my dad.

My husband's parents what they did to him was a form of abuse. They looked after him but never loved him or gave him the attend all children need. Never once said we are proud of you son or we love you. Hugs where for birthdays and Christmas only. His father wanted to sent him to boarding school when he was 13 as he didn't like his friends. Luckily his mom wouldn't let him. But that wasn't because of love. Theirs was a cold marriage. The only time his mother said she loved him was the day he died and he was unconscious.

Only when my dad met my mom he found out what a real family was. My husband joined the scouts and met my brother. The scouts became his family. Eventually he asked me out. Then he really got to know what a family was. To my parents he was another son to be loved and be proud of. My nan adored him so did the extended family. My mom was all family that included her aunts, uncles and cousins. My brother and I were brought up loved with plenty of attention and cherished. Not much money. But money can't buy health and happiness.

Our children where brought up as I was they knew their extended family. As like my mom family is everything to me. Not just blood but some of my friends I class as family.

Why am I telling you this is I understand about abusive parents. My dad's escape was to join the army at 17 and he fought in the war. He never went home again to live . But saw his brothers and sisters without his dad and stepmother knowing. But openly once he married my mom. Only then did his siblings know what it was to have birthday and Christmas presents. Mom made sure they had then to tea every Sunday. Went I came along we visited them every week as we did mom's family.

When we had our daughter my father in law doted on her all the love he denighed his own son he gave her but my mother in law was cold towards her. She only showed any affection when we had our son 4 years later. She was all him.

Why am I telling you this I know what abusive parents can be . And the different forms of abuse.

Both our children where brought up identically. That's why it is hard to come to terms with what my son has done. He knows what my dad and his dad went through. And yet he has done this to me and all our side of the family. Of all the lies he has told is I love you mom. What he has done is not love. Luckily they are brilliant parents to my grandson's.

My crime after years of looking after my parents and mother in-law until their death's I was free to move to live closer to my children and their families. My daughter and son had wanted it for years . But I was needed to take care of others and I did. Even though I hated my mother in law I never gave up on her and was always there for her. It was me who spent 2 days by her bedside while she was dieing. Not her brother. Even though I hated her she was family.

My son knows all this and yet he has treated me worse than my husband's parents treated him and me. As Smiles mentioned I told her about my daughter in law's Reddit posts. I welcomed her into the family and loved her . My daughter and her never got on . But my daughter was always civil to her and treated her well. But I never got on with my brother's second wife. But she was who he picked and therefore family.

Family is everything to me it's how I was brought up. Families come on all shapes and sizes. Family doesn't have to be blood family. Love is all important to me . That's why I can't bring myself to hate my son. Don't hate my daughter in law either. Still love my son and grandson's with all my heart. But my daughter in law killed that love in a sentence.

And anyone who wants to have a go at me for this post don't bother . You can't say anything worse than what my in-laws have or my son and daughter in law.

As I said at the start Armadillo you have shown amazing courage. You must be a strong woman to do so. Don't ever put yourself down or made to feel you have done the wrong thing you haven't. All here who have got away from abusive parents whatever form that abuse took have shown great strength and courage.

But it's hard for us parents to understand why our children have done what they have. When all we ever did was love and cherish them.

I already said I get that people are talking about their situation and not meaning anything about mine so I don't get why you keep on at me about it. I was just trying to be nice and say I get it not cause any issues with anyone. I have my own feelings and I thought I could speak them here that sometimes people word things and don't put that it's not abusive to estrange and abuser and they have done that but I don't let it bother me as I get people need to vent.

It's been said numerous times on GN Armadillo that anyone who estranges an abuser, is not themselves being abusive. As no one here has accused you of being abusive, I really don't understand why you seem to think that anyone has.

I think that people who estrange for nasty reasons don't really talk about it much unless they go online to lie and get attention. On mumsnet hopefully most people who have estranged have had a good reason to have wanted support online. Some people say here that estranging is abuse so that is hard for me too but I have to get it into my head that that is how they feel about their situation and if they knew about my mum they wouldn't say I was abusive. I get that it's hard not to take things personally. I think it's better to just worry about what is said to us and the truth about what has happened to us which doesn't change whatever people say online.

Sending you (((hugs))) and Rhinestone. I'm sure your ex will bag your son's belongings up so that he'll be able to collect them.

I'm so sorry that things are so difficult for you.

So much today is disposable isn't it. I remember the tv repair man, washing machine engineers etc but now a days people just throw out what's broken and that goes for relationships between AC and their parents too.

Reddit is an awful site. I went on after Whiff had confided in me during our pm conversations and was horrified at what I saw.

It made sense though, as last year there were often posts from that site quoted here on GN by one poster in particular. What struck me about those, and what I saw myself was the level of anger, bitterness and at times hatred which was in juxtaposition to the pain we see in the posts from EP's and EGP's, and the heartbreaking posts we see from AC who had the courage to estrange abusive parents.

It seems the more petty the reason, the greater the nastiness as if that's necessary to justify what they've done.

for you and your D hugshelp. Next Wednesday does seem like a very long time for her to have to wait. If there's no improvement, I'd recommend she 'phones in as an emergency.

Another beautiful day here today. So warm and sunny that we've been sitting outside and simply enjoying do nothing at all.

The dogs love it here too. They're getting groomed tomorrow. Can't wait; they both look like a couple of walking sheep skin rugs!!!!

Thank you all. Just having people understand what I’m going through now means a lot to me.*Hugshelp*That’s exactly what I have been talking about ... estrangement for the slightest reason. We would have never done that in my day.
What happened to change all this? For some reason these EC seem to feel entitled and empowered to do this because as you say they are egged on to do so.

DD saw dr today. He doesn't know what's going on. He's tweaked her meds and told her to book to see an optician asap (she goes next Weds, the soonest she could get one) and to ring as an emergency if it gets worse. He's seeing her again next week.

Enjoy relaxing at your lodge smiles.

I went on Reddit once whiff to check out the threads on estrangement and was horrified to see young people egging each other on to go no contact for the slightest reason (eg dad buying the wrong gift, mum banning mid-night feasts which woke others). Obviously, some of them had more serious gripes, and some sadly genuinely had abusive parents, going by the behaviour they described, but it was all treated the same and the answer was always No contact.

Oh dear, Rhinestone what a worry. I'd be beside myself too I can totally understand you feeling a mess.

Rhinestone - what a tough time in your life x

Rhinestone I am sorry. Sending my virtual hugs as well. ?

Rhinestone. I am not surprised you feel a mess with everything that you are dealing with. I can only send and virtual hugs and much empathy. x

Talked to my X . My ES missed his second court date. He has ten days to get out or else my X changes the locks and my ES’s things get thrown out in the garbage.
Mom STILL isn’t right .
I’m a mess today.

Smiles wine and romance tonight again I hope. You'll need to go home for a rest?. Hope Mr S is dancing you around the lodge. ??.

Hilltop apparently Reddit is worse that's where my daughter in law vented her spleen about me.

We give our children love unconditionally. Why they turn on good parents I don't know.

I know some on here had awful parents and needed to escape from them.

We brought our children up equally. We always made sure what one had so did the other. I continued that way after my husband died. Treat their spouses equally as well. And my grandson's. My daughter and son in law have said I will never lose them or my grandson's. Also been told I need to live at least 20 years so I get to see my grandson's grown up.

My son hasn't just thrown me away but all our side of the family including uncle, aunt and cousins.

But I believe in Karma. Wait till my 3 grandson's grow if they want to know me I'm not going anywhere. Should be interesting when they meet partners of their own.

Have you seen the thread on Mumsnet called People going NC for trivial things is cruel.? I haven't read it all but generally they seem to think it's the parents who have caused their adult children to go NC with them, never the other way round. Why do some of them not even see that it is even possible that it could be the child at fault.

I can't begin to imagine how worrying and stressful it must be for you Rhinestone trying to cope with your mum and worrying about your son,

It must be very frustrating with your ex saying he didn't want you to contact your son about his missed court date and reminding him that there's another one tomorrow. Perhaps he's hoping that he'll miss that one too and it will allow the procedure for his eviction to go ahead unhindered.

I hope your D is feeling a little better today hugshelp. Migraines are really horrible; thankfully I get them rarely but did have one last week. No headache but a pain behind my right eye and my vision in that eye all to pot.

We're at our lodge, arrived yesterday. Celebrated with a bottle of bubbles and then Mr. S. opened a bottle of red. No idea how I managed to cook our evening meal as we spent most of the evening crying with laughter about anything and everything.

It's great to be back and it's a beautiful day here today.

Hugshelpand Whiff Thank you.
Hugshelp You can identify with what it’s like to have a parent with psychosis who is in another reality. But if left untreated it’s a nightmare for all.

I had a slight headache with my first shot and nothing with my second. But we had the Pfizer one here.

Thanks for the reassurance Whiff. My DD is still having the weird ones and it's been two weeks now. Hopefully the GP will have some idea of what might help.

Hugshelp my nephew had the same after he had AZ was ok after 2 days. He suffers from migraines normally but said it had never been this bad. But is still going to have the second dose when it's time. Hope your daughter feels better soon.

Rhinestone sorry you have extra worries with your mom. We are very lucky to have the NHS. That's a lot of money. My sister in law's mom is in a home full time with dementia that's just over £900 a week. That's for round the clock nursing care. Because she has become violent she has one to one care.

Sorry you are stuck in the middle between your son and his father. You need to look after yourself with your procedure coming up. ?

Oh Rhinestone, You are having a tough time of it. My mother suffered severe mental health problems, including psychosis, and was regularly left with us in a terrible state. At least we didn't have to worry about the bill when she did get help. I can't tell you how much I value our NHS and fear its loss.

It's horrible being scared for your kids. Totally different issue by my DD had the AZ vax and is having crippling and weird migraines. She's seeing the dr again this week but she already has so many health problems she really doesn't need this on top.

I do hope things improve for you soon.

Smileless and Hugshelp I don’t know how much more I can handle. My DM was very combative last night when the caregiver came. She yelled at me in front of her that she doesn’t need anyone and this will stop right now. And her psychiatrist is out of town, yet they let a mentally psychotic patient out of the hospital and tell me the dr is on vacation and won’t be back until the 15th and I can’t make an appointment until then. The cost of having a caregiver is astronomical. If I had one for ten hours a day for a month it would cost my DM $6000 . Our healthcare is horrible. There is NO aftercare for mental illness only physical rehabilitation that our health insurance will pay for. If you want to be taken care of in your older years you have to buy long term care which is expensive.
So what she is paying now is out of pocket .
I am so scared about Wednesday as you can imagine. My ES needs so much help. His father would not let me text my ES and tell him he missed his court date last week and has one this week. He said it will mess up everything and he wants him out of his home at any price. So here I am in the middle.

OH Golly Rhinestone I can't imagine the worry of someone being shot on top of the normal concerns. Hope all goes as well as it can.
Hope you all have good day. It's nice to see the sun here, but wow it's cold.

Will you be able to get care givers in during the day too Rhinestone to cover for you during and after your procedure?

Let us know how it goes with your son on Wednesday. I understand you being so worried and maybe when the eviction is done and dusted some of the anxiety will ease; I hope so.

.

I agree with Smileless that ultimately it’s up to the EC to stand up for his family and tell their spouse that they will still see their parents no matter what they think. The spouse does not have to be involved.

My DM is home and I have caregivers for awhile at night to make sure she’s okay and so far so good. But I have been with her each and everyday and I need time off to get my stuff done. So I’m exhausted. Got my procedure scheduled for middle of May. Now we will see what happens Wednesday when my ES has another court date about his dad evicting him. He will probably be escorted out by the police and I hope they don’t shoot him if he acts up.
Another day .... another worry !

That's true Sparkling despite our ES's wife being "instrumental in the breakdown" of our relationship with him, the ultimate decision was his and he is responsible.