SUPPORT for all living with estrangement

SmilelessThanks for asking . I’m having a terrible time. My friend and neighbor died and she was only 60.
Just got off the phone with moms doctor and they want her to go into a facility for a month to see if she comes out of her psychosis. And to add to all of this the darn dr office still can’t schedule my procedure as the scheduler is out. Oh and my ES court date is this Wed and to my knowledge he hadn’t found a place to live. He did text me that I was brainwashed by the media. I ignored it and told him I hoped he was feeling better as he had an earache.
Other than that I’m fine

Yes it's a huge relief Madgran especially as her mental state is deteriorating. She told him this afternoon that today was her last day there as she's going home to her mum and dad.

I'm so grateful that she remembers him and pray the day never comes when she doesn't.

How lovely that Mr S can see his mum Smileless

Sunny but cold here too

And to you Iam

Easter greetings everyone

I'm glad that you've found this thread helpful Hilltop and hope you'll continue to do so. I think a lot of us would say we'd been naive, I know we were.

"It took me years and years to realise that you can't be rational with irrational people". That made me Rhinestone and not just because it took me years too, but because even now, I still try anyway.

How is your mum getting on Rhinestone and more to the point how are you?

"basically we are what the other side is missing really" that's spot on Armadillo. There's a lot we can learn from one another as we continue to give the help and support that we can.

I hope you all enjoy what's left of the Easter weekend. The sun is shining here and the sky is blue but it's absolutely freezing!!!

Mr. S. has gone to see his mum and I'm going to sit down and cuddle our dogs.

Onward if that is another dig at me get over yourself.

Of course I was offended anyone would think that my late husband or me physically or verbally harmed our son in shape or form. We where good parents and our children always come first in everything. I have continued that for the last 17 years and included the partners my children picked and my grandson's.

How would you like a stranger thinking you must have hurt your child.

Yes this is a supportive thread . But I will not stand for anyone labelling me a bad mother or my late husband a bad dad.

You don't know me . I don't know you. So don't judge me from your experience. I know what bad parents are my husband and my father had those.

You saying I feel sorry for people who get easily offended because it must be so painful being them.

I do not easily get offended but when someone accuses an estranged parent of something so horrible. Did you really think no one would comment. Or get hurt that you wrote that.

So what exactly do you think I did to my son ?

I love people who aren't perfect and have mental illnesses and it's not the same. If my mum had mental illness it wouldn't just be me who saw it and knew it was there either.
My mum picked just me to vent all her feelings at and made me mentally ill and I'd pull anyone else out of relationships like that so I realised I needed to rescue myself.
My mum said she was innocent and done nothing to deserve estrangement but she is lying. I think if people deserve to be estranged you would be able to tell and if you pointed out they did something wrong they wouldn't be able to except it at all. So even if estrangement is different experience for parents and children I hope we can get on. Because basically we are what the other side is missing really. I think that is what was meant earlier. Abused children needed good parents and good parents needed kids that stayed close. It's natural to feel that I think and want what you don't have but also natural for grief to push that away. Sorry if I don't make sense.

*Onwardandupward Upward* it took me years and years to realize that you can’t be rational with irrational people. I feel like I grew up being my own mom most of the time. My nurturing depressed mom didn’t always function but still fed and clothed us and kept us clean. But manic mom was not always nice. When I was twelve my friend and I walked a mile to a flower store to get geraniums for our moms. I got home and my mother said they looked like the ones in the cemetery. The family got in the car and mom took them back for a different color. To this day I feel exactly how I felt then... like crying. Who does that to a twelve year old child?
On her 80 th birthday we took her out to eat and she complained about the looks of the restaurant from the outside. We gave her a present and she took it back saying the saleslady said there was a better one. I would call that emotionally unstable but nothing to estrange from. Over the next ten years I would always buy her and my DD a favorite cosmetic of mine and give it to them as an extra on Mother’s Day. My DM always found a reason to complain about the gift. Stupid me trying to be the wonderful daughter. So I finally stopped giving and I feel so much better about that. My DM can’t help that she has a mental disorder. She too would get mad when I wasn’t “ her”. But I realized through therapy that I was raised with a mother who had a skewed perception of the world. She would say things about people and I believed them. I’m not saying your mom has a mental disorder I’m just saying she sees the world and responds differently than you . There are only so many times we can bang our heads against the wall before we finally realize and accept that it hurts to do that.

I have been reading this thread for eighteen months or so, when l was estranged by my son. I think in a similar way to Smileless. I didn't see it coming though looking back l can see his wife behved oddly at times, but then everything seemed fine again and l glossed over it, having never come across estrangement l suppose l was naive.
I think people who have had abusive parents see estrangement in a completely different way to those of us who have been loving to our child and had this happen??
I have found this thread interesting and very helpful. Thank you Smileless for starting it.

I already have a mother who ignores me when I dont say what she wants and gets offended when I genuinely am honest instead of being like her, who is offended at me for not being a carbon copy of her and outraged that I have learned healthy expression...................

Even if I don't feel supported I have tried to support even though it has gone as well as a bomb in a brewery. I do nice things for my Mum and she cannot recieve them without lashing out, either. sad.

This thread is to support everyone living with estrangement Onwardandupward and I'm sorry if you don't feel you're getting any support here.

I have said that I am aware of my own sensitivity to particular issues and of course we all have them which is to be expected. I hope that my earlier response hasn't made you feel unsupported or not welcome here.

If it has I apologise.

Anyone who ignores your feelings, tunes you out when you are honest... well, thats not a relationship I'd be looking to further. I would of course be polite - but I would take a step back, genuinely sad for them.

I am not an enabler or easily offended, thankfully- or I might now be thinking it's all about me!

I wish all of you a wonderful bank holiday and enjoying the beauty of spring's new life and new beginnings.

"just because one person has rejected us it does not affect our worth or our ability to live a meaningful life". It takes a while to get to that realisation doesn't it Onwardandupward and a big heart to be there for someone who should have been, but wasn't there for you.

Yes we can mother ourselves and learn to separate from unhealthy relationships Armadillo.

I prefer to talk to people in real life. They don't seem to get offended like people online. I feel sorry for people who get easily offended because it must be so painful being them. Some people think everything is about them but it rarely is or in my case here it never is.

This doesnt feel like a support forum because no feelings are welcome unless they line up with the status quo. If I don't say something that lines up with the "thinking" I am ignored or accused of offence. How is that supportive or healthy?

Armadillo I didn't used to be chatty . Only to friends that all changed when my husband died. I lost half of myself. My present and future died the day he did. The last 17 years have been hard . Had to make a new present and future. But what I have learnt over time I glad to say has helped other people. As I have posted openly and PM ed people on the breavenment forum . And had lovely messages back.

A year after he died someone said to you are still young you can remarry . I was horrified. I can no more replace my husband anymore than I can replace my son. I still have a son but he doesn't want me. His choice.
My husband didn't choose to get cancer and die in agony. But we never know what life throws at us. So we just have to make the best life we can . I have had to do a lot of firsts. I was half of a couple for 29years. Making all the decisions is hard on your own.

I am lucky my mom and dad have always been there for me my whole life until their death's. And luckily could always talk to them. I have only been jealous once since he died. I was out with my parents and they always walked holding hands. I felt jealous they still had eachother other. I told them and they where brilliant and said they understood and it was only natural.

My son not wanting me and not having my grandson's has been a sort of breavenment. The difference is they are still alive . I have grieved for what I have lost. And the thought that someone said I could replace them is as horrific to me as that person saying I could replace my husband.

The last 17 years when I am out I always make a point of wishing people good morning etc. As you never know if you are the only person they speak to that day. As there have been times unless I went out I never spoke to a living person face to face. And know how much it meant to me if someone said just hello.

As for getting chatty I talk to anyone as just a good morning can break the ice. I don't push but find people want to talk. Going on the bus helps as I tend to talk to people at bus stops. I have to laugh at myself. As I warn all the tradesmen I have used that I am a chatterbox. I am turning into my mom.

My husband used to say Dot have you got gills the backs of your ears? Mom would say no why? He would say because it's the only way you can breathe as you never shut up talking. She would them call him a cheeky so and so and chase him with the broom. All of us where in stitches.

And on that note I will end. Have a good day everyone ?

Thank you that meant a lot. Sorry I don't talk much as I never was chatty but I do read and listen and worry about everyone I would love a mother figure as I didn't have one. I suppose we can learn to mother ourselves a bit and maybe child ourselves a bit for estranged mums just by enjoying things we would have with children like holidays. I had to learn to enjoy holidays for different reasons but it can be done. Everyone deserves to be happy and if they were I bet there wouldn't be trouble in the world.

Oh dear I am sorry you found my post offensive Whiff ! I don't believe anyone can replace someone, but keeping busy and being useful can be incredibly positive. I believe we all have a lot to give and just because one person has rejected us it does not affect our worth or our ability to live a meaningful life. In fact, I am determined to thrive despite my mother's treatment of me. I will get therapy til the end of my days if I need to. I will be kind and decent to her, be the bigger person- because I understand she is very emotionally stunted to be as abusive as she is. I will not limit the possibility of being close to other women her age, though who might be the mother figure that she will never be.

So sorry to hear that Armadillo. I have had the same. It's better you keep your health problems away from her if she will use them against you. It's not normal for a mother to kick you when you are down. I bet you are a good mother and that she's projecting her own issues.

"The difference is the type of people married" spot on Whiff and that applies to us even though our DS is now divorced.

My mum said I was a bad mum so I get it. I wouldn't want her to know I am ill as she would just use it against me or say I was putting her on a guilt trip.

Armadillo sorry you have health problems I hope they get sorted soon. I hope you don't mean you are leaving the thread . I would miss your posts.

When my son decided he no longer needed or wanted me he knew I waiting to have further tests on my heart. If he had opened his birthday card he would have found out I was born with a heart defect. But instead he sent his and his sons presents and cards back all unopened. I have had neurological problems since he was 6 months old. Which effects my 4 limbs and could have seizures for up to 12 hours a day when they went out of control. In 2019 a few months before I moved he took to St George's hospital in London to see a specialist. Since moving he has taken me to A&E when I couldn't stop seizing. He even took me to see the neurologist I am under now and came in with me . After he talked to me he asked my son questions from how it effected me from his point of view.( Same as the specialist did in London. ) My neurologist put me on 2 little tablets not had a seizure in a year.

If my son was so badly treated by me and my late husband. How come he was such a caring and thoughtful son up until 4th May last year.

I worry incase he or any of his family have had Covid. The last time I saw him he still wasn't probably recovered from having glandular fever the year before. His liver ,spleen and kidneys where affected.

That's why the idea that I or my husband had physically or verbally abused my son in anyway upset me and made me so angry.

My children where brought up equally. The difference is the type of people they married.

Just wanted to wish you all a 'Happy Easter'.

It's a lovely day here today and I hope that where ever you are the sun is shining just like it is here and you enjoy the day.

I know what you mean Rhinestone. We can of course and do understand why for some AC estrangement is the only course of action left open to them.

What's so much harder if not impossible to understand, is why an AC who has loving parents and once enjoyed a healthy relationship with them, would make that choice.

It's not only hard for us who have been estranged to understand but even harder I think for anyone who hasn't had the misfortune of being treated in this way.

We all know that parents can be abusive but for some, accepting that AC can be abusive too and estrange, despite having had a good childhood and relationship with their parents, is much harder if not impossible to believe.

I know that people need to vent and that is why I said I would go because I was feeling alone and in the way but that happens because of her really I think.
I get that estrangement can be a weapon but it's also a defence tactic. My mum has decided she estranges me now when I estranged her so no one can work that one out really accept, I don't mind she can think what she wants and it won't effect me.
I think the only reason it stays on my mind is because I have health problems lately and I have too much time to think.

Armadillo I think maybe what I said got misconstrued. I’m going to rephrase this. IMO I cannot think of any reason to estrange oneself from a parent UNLESS they were abusive. To be ignored is abusive to a child as well as any other physical, emotional or mental and sexual abuses. My point was that many of our AC estrange for much less than that. And I question whether that is a valid reason for letting go of a parent.

Glad to hear that Madgran77. Happy Easter by the way to you and everyone else. ?