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Estrangement

Granddaughters ask after missing Grandfather

(30 Posts)
OceanMama Sun 01-Nov-20 22:20:32

Whether the father has a relationship with his child from a previous relationship has nothing to do with the second wife. It's 100% on him to maintain that relationship and it's not her job to encourage him to have a relationship.

I haven't been in that situation on either side, so I don't know what I would do. It might depend on the story he's told. I know I couldn't make my husband do anything even if I encouraged him to have contact. I do think it would bother me if he had abandoned the child and wasn't taking any financial responsibility for it. To be honest, I don't think I'd get together with such a man as I'm not sure I'd trust him, with that history.

My main concern would be for my own children who have a half sibling out there, and handling it with them. In an ideal world they would grow up knowing each other. It's certainly not something I'd hide from them.

Hetty58 Sun 01-Nov-20 20:06:46

Before I met him, my second husband's (then) fiancee had returned to visit family up north. She then wrote to say it was over and she wouldn't be back. He was devastated.

Two years later, he was summoned to court for child maintenance - for a son he didn't know he had. She made it clear that he wasn't allowed to see him. He paid support for fourteen years. There was no contact.

I often wonder if he'll try to contact his dad. (All I know is his first name.) It's far too late, as his dad died 24 years ago.

Hetty58 Sun 01-Nov-20 19:53:29

Not necessarily mokryna. Some people start afresh and have absolutely no interest in children from a previous relationship.

Some children have no interest in their biological father either, especially if they've been brought up by a wonderful stepfather.

Pantglas2 Sun 01-Nov-20 19:51:38

I would but some women/men don’t like to acknowledge their partner’s past and a child/grandchild is evidence that they had one!

mokryna Sun 01-Nov-20 19:48:06

My husband of four years, in the early 70s, walked out when our daughter was nine months. He visited a handful of times and then when she was four, I moved countries with her, although I did invite him to visit.

When she was about twenty she tried to get into contact with her father through her grandfather, with whom we were always on good terms. Her grandfather told her that her father had said he didn’t want contact, it was another time, another life. He had two other daughters.

His/our granddaughters a few years ago asked about him but I couldn’t say much. (They are fluent English speakers) I wrote to him giving him a positive update on his family enclosing a photo but of course there was no reply.

With Covid all around life is short. If your husband (you had nothing to do with the divorce) had had a baby before you met wouldn’t you try to encourage a relationship?