Have you reconnected with an estranged parent?

Cherry picking and glossing over as per usual

It's so hard Thistelass when you believe as we do, that if it were not for our EAC's partner our estrangement would never have happened. That said, it is our EAC's decision and for us, knowing that our son has been manipulated and coerced by his wife into cutting us out of his, and our only GC's lives, is the hardest aspect of our estrangement.

"blame can be misplaced* yes it can OceanMama and that certainly appears to be the case in your situation. Having tried so hard to include your parents' in law in your families life, it must have been horrible to be the one being blamed for your H's 'can't be bothered' attitude.

FWIW I think you did the right thing telling them about the death of your child. I'm so very sorry; I cannot begin to imagine how heartbreaking your loss must be.

rosecarmel

Blaming is rarely the answer, if ever- And controlling individuals choose those they can control- If one has to hold their child accountable for their decision to be controlled they can also hold those they chose accountable for being controlling-

Well, my MIL blames me for being controlling. However, all actions taken to involve them came from me, all gifts sent came from me, all photos provided came from me, all thank yous came from me, you name it, it was me who did it. If I hadn't, none of it would have ever happened.

Unfortunately MIL wasn't happy with all I gave them, it wasn't enough. I tried to make it a regular thing, inviting them to visit once a month (there was distance involved). Not enough so they didn't keep up with those visits. Did she ever invite me to visit them? No. Eventually, I had enough of the treatment and direct blame, so decided to drop it and let DH do all the work to involve his family. After ten years of it, I was spent trying. I just informed him he was now responsible for gifts and invites and quietly left it to him to go ahead and do that. Of course, DH did nothing because he just doesn't. No more gifts or invites.

The one thing I did do since then was notify them of our child's death because DH would just never have got around to it. If I hadn't told them, they still wouldn't know. Maybe I shouldn't have, I'm not certain whether it was the right thing or not really, but it felt wrong not to at the time. Maybe it was just a weak moment on my part since this family ignoring each other nonsense doesn't come naturally to me.

If it makes them feel better, they can continue to blame me. I don't have to deal with it. If they knew him better they would know he is just not good at maintaining any relationships. The only thing I need to know now is, me being blamed or not, it's their drama and I'm not having any involvement in it.

My point is that blame can be misplaced, especially if blinkered about your own child. It can even cause you to lose everything when you target the one person who is the reason you have what you have in the first place. I guess it's always easier to blame an outsider.

Disco, two comments and you sever contact! I would be hesitant to go back there, walking on eggshells.

Madgran77

*Most of you once again maintain the position that people stop talking to their parents for no reason*

I haven't seen anyone say that. Posters are pointing out that when estrangement happens then any process of reconciliation will be fraught with difficulties and fears on both sides. The OP has got back in touch and is now unhappy about her parents responses to that. Posters are pointing out what her parents might potentially be feeling, what their fears might be, why they might be "standing back". That might help the OP to look at the situation from other perspectives, which might help her going forward in this relationship or help her in her future decisions!

Your collective bitterness and lack of accountability is palpable

Posters have responded to the OP; EAC and EPs have given opinions, options, perspectives for consideration in clear, honest and measured ways! They really dont need or deserve to then have those potentially helpful comments turned on them into an interpretation of a "collective" emotion that suits only one perpective.

Cherry picking and glossing over as per usual-

...you rugswept Sorry Hithere, bit of the quote got cut!

*You didnt reconnect, you .

Hithere I think that is true

MarytheBookeeper It does sound like there are things to be addressed for all parties if the relationship is to move forward. Ignoring them, and sweeping them under the carpet, probably wont work. You didnt ask for an apology but now appear to feel that what was apologised for was the wrong things. I think you need to be very clear in your own mind what it is you are wanting by reconnecting, by changing your mind about estrangement. Once you are clear about that you need to express it to your parents. And you need to ask them what they want too and listen. Their response will lead your future decisions.

Most of you once again maintain the position that people stop talking to their parents for no reason

I haven't seen anyone say that. Posters are pointing out that when estrangement happens then any process of reconciliation will be fraught with difficulties and fears on both sides. The OP has got back in touch and is now unhappy about her parents responses to that. Posters are pointing out what her parents might potentially be feeling, what their fears might be, why they might be "standing back". That might help the OP to look at the situation from other perspectives, which might help her going forward in this relationship or help her in her future decisions!

Your collective bitterness and lack of accountability is palpable

Posters have responded to the OP; EAC and EPs have given opinions, options, perspectives for consideration in clear, honest and measured ways! They really dont need or deserve to then have those potentially helpful comments turned on them into an interpretation of a "collective" emotion that suits only one perpective.

Blaming is rarely the answer, if ever- And controlling individuals choose those they can control- If one has to hold their child accountable for their decision to be controlled they can also hold those they chose accountable for being controlling-

Thistlelass, don't blame his partner and her family. Your son makes his own decisions about what to do or not to do. One of the things my husband hates about my MIL blaming me for his choices is that it's the same as his mother saying he is weak and spineless. Hold your son responsible for his choices.

I believe my estranged son will reconnect one day. At the moment he is dancing to the tune of his partner and her family. He is also protecting his daughter's position. I know what he was experiencing before he went into his current relationship. Various things were happening in his life. We were estranged when my mother died. He sat behind me at the Crematorium. When I was nearly collapsing with grief it was him who helped me and comforted me. Not all stories and outcomes are the same. There will come a time when we will be back in contact and I live for that day. Thank you for reading.

I agree that there doesn't have to be abuse to estrange someone, simply being unhappy in a relationship is enough.

Mary hasn't stated the reasons for estrangement, only that they have been ignored.

From what I have read, ignoring the reasons is often why estrangement happens in the first place. So judging isn't really healthy based on such little information.

Mary, you don't have to stay in a relationship that causes you unhappiness. If they aren't reaching out to you you can just let it go.

There really is no point unless both parties are willing to genuinely apologise for past hurts and move forward together.

there's a wound her decision has caused that can never be truly healed I completely understand OceanMama.

For transparency, I admit I am coming from the point of view of someone whose MIL has cut off my family. If she decides to change her mind, I can't see there ever being anything but the most token and distant relationship, if any at all. It would take a huge change of perspective and admitting that, on her part, and I just can't see that happening. Even if it did, there's a wound her decision has caused that can never be truly healed.

I don't see a post here from anyone who has said an AC stops talking to their parent for no reason rosecarmel nor do I see any bitterness being exhibited.

What I do see is a sense of entitlement from the OP. Having estranged her parents she now wants them back in her life, and appears to expect them to welcome her with open arms despite the pain and trauma she's put them through.

Why is it heavy handed for non abusive parents who have been estranged, to feel that there was no reason for their estrangement? Why isn't the very act of estrangement heavy handed? Are you suggesting that it's heavy handed if the parents of an EAC decide they don't want a relationship with that AC, and if they don't it's because of their bitterness?

Once again you are invalidating EP's experiences and the pain that being estranged causes.

The OP's parents' willingness to engage with her demonstrates that they are not disinterested. If there is a genuine reason for the estrangement, why change your mind and decide at some point that you want the estrangement to end?

As Chewbacca has posted "you made your decision; put it behind you and move on".

As OceanMama has posted "Unfortunately it does damage and if there are regrets, the person cutting off ends up living with their own pain".

Estrangement isn't something that should be taken lightly and should be seen for it is; having nothing more to do with the person you've estranged.

It never ceases to amaze me how some EAC appear to be unable to be content with the decision they took to estrange. At least it was their decision and not a situation forced upon them, the way their estrangement is forced upon their parents.

rosecarmel

Most of you once again maintain the position that people stop talking to their parents for no reason and that short of abuse have no right to- That very attitude alone is very heavy handed so I can imagine why any child would drift from such a relationship- Your collective bitterness and lack of accountability is palpable-

I certainly don't and I am not estranged from any of my children who I get on with well, so no bitterness here. I don't think it matters what the reason is or who instigated a cut off (parent or adult child), so I stand by everything in my first post. Regardless of why you cut off, even if with every best reason where you are completely faultless, sometimes the other side might not be open to letting that person into their life again, or very skeptical of doing so. Would I want to rip off that scab and go there? I'm not so sure.

DiscoDancer, I understand - My mother couldn't offer an explanation either- She did make an effort to but was unable to- And I cannot explain everything either- So I get it- Not everything has a ready answer but exhibiting a genuine effort to come to some conclusion shows continued interest- If that were the case- Otherwise it would seem like disinterest and lead to feelings that would make one not want to bother-

Most of you once again maintain the position that people stop talking to their parents for no reason and that short of abuse have no right to- That very attitude alone is very heavy handed so I can imagine why any child would drift from such a relationship- Your collective bitterness and lack of accountability is palpable-

I remember, before we estranged, writing to my mum with two specific things she had said to me, and wanting her to explain them. She explained other things, but didn’t touch on the specifics. I’ve never been bothered about apologies per se. To me it’s no good asking someone to say sorry. They’ve got to do it unprompted. However, I do like them to explain themselves, then if it’s just a difference of opinion, then so be it. My mother did neither. She could be dead now, I suppose I’ll never know.

You need to give them time MaryTheBookeeper. With so little information it's difficult to respond.

How long was the estrangement for? Did you give them the opportunity to sort things out before you estranged or did you cut them off with no explanation? Do you have children so estranging them from their GC? Have you had children during the estrangement; GC they didn't know they had or at the very least have never met?

I agree with what has already been posted here especially as mumofmadboys has said that "everyone should try their utmost to make the relationship work", but estrangement isn't the way to do that is it. Walking away solves nothing.

To answer your question Sparkling, "Is this what you wait for?" my answer is 'no'. It was in the beginning, it's what every EP waits for and for some that waiting lasts a life time, but after just 2 months short of 8 years it's been too long for me.

Being estranged by your AC is the last thing you think will ever happen. You can't believe it; nearly 8 years on we still can't believe it and the legacy is, if they could do it then they can do it again.

Not everyone wants to put themselves in that vulnerable position again. Not everyone would have the strength to get through it second time around, so may only be able to 'take a back seat' and that may be all you can hope for and expect from your parents.

My sister has estranged me and I am heartbroken. This happened two years ago. I have tried several times to make contact but without success. I think parents and siblings are 'for ever' and everyone should try their utmost to make the relationship work. I do accept in the case of abuse that may not be possible. I hope Mary your relationship with your parent improves. It may not be possible to discuss and sort out what has happened previously. Just try to love them knowing we all have our faults and no relationship is perfect. Good luck

I very much hope that those suffering a broken heart waiting for their adult child to reconnect, read this original post. It has put a completely different perspective on no contact. Is this what you wait for? I have never been able to understand how you can just cut off from a parent, apart from abuse, the answer seems to be there was no love or respect in that persons heart, that can't be put right. It's no good sticking a plaster over that.

to be blunt OP, you sound rather full of yourself.
why should they be thrilled to be back in touch, and what next move are you waiting for. why wait.
obviously we know nothing about why you cut them off in the first place, but if you now want to reconnect there has to be give and take on both sides.
you write as if they owe you something, and they should be ever so grateful that you have deigned to contact them. doesn't sound very appealing.
why don't you just say hello, how's things, all the best.

You didnt reconnect, you rugswept

Without more details, it is hard to address the rest of the post- re: mexican standoff

I agree that if you estrange you have to be certain that you aren't going back because building trust again is difficult for both parties. The time to try and mend the relationship is usually while you are in it. Things just aren't always that simple though.

Now that you are back in contact, you have a chance to try again. That's a two way street now because estranging causes some pain, discomfort or even just mortifying, what will the neighbours think, embarrassment to even the most awful people. There has to be some apology on both sides.

If you haven't had an apology for the reasons you estranged, then you need to have that conversation about why you walked away and if you start that conversation with a genuine apology for doing it, you might find it's reciprocated a bit more easily. If you have to be the one to initiate, then dealing with their pain might help them see past it so they can hear yours.. Of course there is the chance they will just take your apology and put all the blame squarely on you with a smug grin but I doubt it matters, it's an answer to whether you should be in contact with them.

At least you can then walk away again knowing you tried your best. Sorry that doesn't sound very hopeful does it?