Christmas /why do they do it?

In your position Lavazza, once we are in December I would contact your son and ask if they will be coming to you for Christmas and give him a date that you need to know by.

If you hear nothing, I would take that as a 'no' and make any plans on that basis that they wont be there and wouldn't ask again.

I think you're right that not giving you an answer, or even just saying 'thanks for the invitation, we'll let you know' is power play. Having already lost an AC due to estrangement for me, makes his treatment of you particularly cruel because despite any mental health issues he may have, I doubt he's totally unaware of how devastating your estrangement has been, and continues to be.

Letting go is far from easy; it's heartbreaking and frightening but it's the only way to get off this emotional roller coaster.

You asked "why do they do it?"; they do it because they can, but they only can if we let them.

Why do they do it? -- Perhaps the reason they don't give a definitive answer either way is they don't want to say, "Yes we are coming" because they know they have no intention to and that it is a lie OR if they give a definitive 'no' it will lead to a situation they would rather avoid...

Perhaps it creates less conflict in their minds if they commit to nothing when interacting with you or know that no reply will delay a situation they want to avoid altogether.

Astral said, "Find out why they have no respect and earn it or figure out if they are a generally disrespectful person and if they have no respect for anyone, walk away."

I agree. Usually when someone is disrespecting another regardless of the roles of the participants involved, the person behaving in the disrespecting way have a "reason" for their behavior. When you are on the receiving end of 'disrespect' you have to self-reflect on why that is. Sometimes the answer is -- I have done nothing to get/gain or maintain respect and that MY behavior is why I am not getting what I want from the other person in the relationship.

If someone has no respect for you there is only two ways to go. Find out why they have no respect and earn it or figure out if they are a generally disrespectful person and if they have no respect for anyone, walk away.

You cannot change others, you can only change yourself so if you would need to be a better person to have them in your life you do that and if you would have to be a worse person you don't.

That's how I judge my relationships anyway. I cannot sacrifice the good in my life and the people who need me for relationships that are painful.

Yes Lemongrove , DS does have MH issues. I also think he's Narcissistic. He definitely has abusive traits from his father, too, unfortunately.

OceanMama good point and good idea about the generic gift. I am hoping the advent of December will suddenly make them open up... but not going to hold my breath.

In the last few months before they moved out, DS had become more disrespectful and abusive towards me/us- just like he used to be as a teenager. The cause was not clear, but we had been getting along before DiL joined us in this country (she's foreign and they got married abroad without us meeting her, then came here belatedly)

@Rosecarmel I am living my life the best I know how. It will get easier once we can go swimming again and do some things that we enjoy. I don't want to lose him/them but I don't want to follow toxic patterns either. I'm not mad, but honestly it does hurt.

Live your life-

If waiting for a response from them is the way you desire to live your life that's fine- If being mad at them for not responding is the way you want to spend your holiday that's fine- But repeating those scenarios time and again isn't living- It's following an unhealthy pattern, an indication that it's time to let go-

And live your life-

I tend to think that if people don't rsvp, they can't expect anyone to have prepared for them. I think that if I wasn't sure someone was coming and I didn't want to be caught without a gift, I would get something generic - like make up a hamper with nice items of food for the family, but make sure it contains things you will either use or can donate if they don't come.

I think it would be fine for you to send them a message asking if they could let you know. Did you ask them to let you know by a certain date? It's not even December yet so they might not feel they need to rsvp just yet.

What a rotten situation for you.Does your DS have any mental health problems, so that you make allowances for him?
You have invited them on Christmas Day, and they won’t even say if they will come ( not showing any respect at all) which is terrible behaviour.Do you live alone? Do you hope they will come?
If for some reason you cannot confront him then buy extra Christmas food and a few gifts that you could use yourself, such as food and drink as presents, or whatever takes your fancy.