Can only one spouse reconcile with EAC?

My daughter follows my es on social media, he leaves a couple of them free for anyone to see. Maybe it’s deliberate, so we can see what’s going on in his life.
If I see a photo of him, I always think, oh my, that’s someone I used to know.

Reading all these posts, I feel so sad for the ep. It’s heartbreaking. Xx

It is difficult to begin with and we found it hard especially as our DS would talk about his brother and our only GC so we agreed that it was better for him not to do so.

Jennyluck, as with all others on these threads my heart goes out to you due to your estrangement. I’m unfamiliar with the circumstances around your particular situation, but as a general thought - i would imagine it would be far less emotionally volatile for your DD to have a separate adult healthy relationship with her brother, and this would be something you could both live with and encourage without interference?

You’re probably right smileless2012, it might feel like a betrayal. After all the utter heartbreak that’s caused . I know my oh wouldn’t be willing to have any contact with our es. But my dd might.

I'm sorry to hear about your son Jenny. Our DS is the only family member our ES has any contact with for which we are grateful. We told him from the beginning of our estrangement that we wouldn't want them to lose touch.

I do think that a family member having contact with the EAC is totally different though, to one of the parents being contacted for reconciliation.

I’m a bit late to this discussion. But my son fell out with me, but has ended up being estranged from all the family. If one of the family wanted to get in touch with my Es, I wouldn’t object. It kills me that he’s not in my life. ?

Me too

Thank you Smileless. I often think we’re on the same wavelength ?

A good post Toadinthehole.

At the end of the day....children move on and make their new lives. If this father wants to stand by his wife, whatever, that is his prerogative. It is right really, we do become one with our spouses. Our children are separate. It does seem he has helped his wife to continue in this way, but that is obviously the way they tick. The son has to choose whether or not he wants to be a part of it, and should be respected and accepted if he doesn’t.

"It would prevent me from moving on" yes I agree it would make it extremely difficult for the parent who remains estranged to move on.

I still think that I would want to reconsile with my child. I'd have to listen to why they wanted a relationship with me and not my husband. I'd have to consider carefully if it was possible that my husband behaved in ways he hid from me or that I didn't realise had caused an issue.

I also think if they solely wanted a relationship with my husband I would have to allow that if that is what he wanted. It would prevent me from moving on but my child should have a parent. I'd also have a means to understand why it happened and how to mend it.

I can see why some would find it easier to leave that can of worms alone simply to not cause more pain in the long term and treat parents as a unit. I expect it is very common.

Smileless -- I would say that an alcoholic parent refusing to acknowledge that their drinking impacts the whole family and rarely in a positive way IS part of the problem where estrangement is concerned...

I also think the parent that I quoted in my earlier post is certainly going to have issues moving forward given her attitude and the direction her mentality is leading her. I would say she is problematic.

I'm glad that you and your husband have done nothing to deserve your estrangement but clearly that's not always the case. You are powerless to fix your estrangement situation because of that. I am talking about the clearly problematic parent(s). I'm sure you can spot the differences.

It also happens that adult children can estrange from both parents when neither parent is problematic RiverQueen.

It would IMO be far more helpful if this thread didn't resort to one that assumes that the EP's are always to blame, when this isn't always the case, especially as there are EP's whose actual experience of estrangement shows otherwise.

Our personal experiences are for me, far more informative than impersonal examples and/or possible scenarios.

MissAdventure

I think that is true of all people who have a drink problem, regardless of their age or place in the family.

I think unhealthy denial is unhealthy denial regardless of roles as well.

I think that is true of all people who have a drink problem, regardless of their age or place in the family.

Astral -- I think it does happen that adult children can estrange from both parents where there is one parent more problematic then the other. I think once distance and time goes by, the child may want to reestablish relations with the healthier parent in hope that it may lead the unhealthy parent to re-evaluate their part in the estrangement.

Unfortunately, as I illustrated in my earlier example, that even knowing what the issue IS, whether it be alcoholism or some other issue, the parent may dig in their feet and say, "My drinking isn't a problem!" and refuse to move in a healthier direction.

That's very sad isn't it; "so the guilt kept him there" perhaps his love for her too. Who knows what we would do if faced with the same awful predicament.

I do thinks it's perhaps too easy for someone on the 'outside' to judge for example the partner of an alcoholic as as enabler. I'm guilty of this too. It's our ES's wife who manipulated and coerced him into estranging us, and apart from his brother, his entire family.

So I am guilty of being angry with him, of blaming him for enabling her to manipulate him to the extent that we lost him and our only GC. What would I have done in his situation, if I'd been faced with losing the wife I love, the mother of my children and had been convinced that I would lose my children too?

In this situation both parents were walked away from because of the child's frustration with neither addressing the very serious issues. Then one was forgiven and reconsiled. Perhaps both would have been if the alcohol problem had been addressed.

Its very sad when an alcoholic refuses to acknowledge the fact and get help even for the sake of losing close relationships. The other parent did acknowledge the problem and tried to make up for it. Its not enough. He said of he left her, she would just drink herself to death so the guilt kept him there.

Astral,

How about the effects of the alcoholism in the non alcoholic partner?
Enablement in this case is also very common

This is a family disease, it is not just limited to the person abusing the substance.

The scenario you've given is different to an AC estranging both parents and then seeking to reconcile with only one of them Astral.

I'm not sure it would be wrong in all cases. As an example, a couple falls in love but for whatever reason one becomes an alcoholic. The good loving parent feels a responsibility to the alcoholic one and can't leave them but their child cannot put up with the alcoholic parents neglect or drunken outbursts any longer and doesn't want their children exposed to it.

Would it not be fair for them to say, I cannot watch you destroy yourself or put up with your drunken behaviour so I will estrange you till it stops... And still see the other parent?

Would that not be the case for any strain on the relationship like mental health issues that a parent refuses to acknowledge or get help for?

This is a real scenario I know of.

I do think that an EAC wishing to reconcile with just one parent would in the majority of cases be unworkable.

I also think it would be wrong for any EAC to put one parent in that position.

MamaBear -- I am well familiar of the dynamic you are speaking of.

Hithere -- Yes. The father is a text-book enabler from my experiences.

It's sad that some parents cannot grasp what people are saying to them and it seems doubly so when it comes from their children.

It's like anything an adult child says is instantly discredited and then must be actively challenged.

I read a sad tale from a semi-estranged parent who is doomed to fulfill the prophecy of complete cut-off and here are the key points:

"The history is, very briefly, of a son who has been increasingly distant for years"

"I was feeling sick with anger and sadness waiting for a reply so I sent one final ultimatum email"

"To my utter shock, he felt himself to be the wronged party – he blamed ME for lack of contact etc. He spent much of the phone call blaming me, telling me to stop playing the victim, while at the same time telling to stop behaving like a mother…" -- I interpret that as son saying, "Treat me like an adult/the way you expect Me to treat You."

"Okay, so the first thing I want to say about the call is that it is possible for there to be misunderstandings on BOTH sides and that perhaps I had been concentrating so hard on my own pain and his neglect of our relationship that it hadn’t really occurred to me that he might be thinking the same…Even if the blame should not be equally divided between us (and it shouldn’t in my view) the other person might be feeling that THEY are the victim." -- This is very true and insightful and she's willing to consider he has his 'side'

"However, the second thing I want to say is that I do not believe any objective observer could see him as the injured party and that I am really concerned that, going forward, HE is going to be the one that needs to be protected, whose feelings need to be nurtured – in other words, that nothing changes…that I am still the one creeping about on eggshells…and I AIN’T DOING THAT ANY MORE!" -- And then she dismisses his side/perspective as well as the other problematic issues in that statement which shouldn't require highlighting.

"Having seen his face for the first time in nearly two years, I felt I was seeing him fresh, and it left me with two conclusions:

1. That I am still the adult in the room. He has not matured and maybe never will now. But now I know that I am still the only adult in the room, I’ll bear that in mind in my dealings with him, take more charge, not let things slip…if I can.

2. That it may be his character, his personality that is the issue. In other words, he isn’t deliberately being cruel or neglectful, he is just a rather unhappy and also entitled person, for whom it is always about him, and that I am NEVER going to have the warm, spontaneous, affectionate relationship that I thought I would have with him."

So the take-away from son basically saying, "Please treat me like an adult." is to conclude she is still the "only adult" in the relationship and now she intends to double-down on the "I am the adult. I am the parent." position and then she'll blame her son when he goes No Contact for no reason. So sad.

I hope so too Hithere. He is most definitely her enabler and he has taught all of their children that their mom’s emotions trump theirs. And her emotions are volatile.