Coping with estrangement at Christmas

Hi Natasha, as anyone who lives with estrangement knows, Christmas is one of the most difficult times of the year and that first Christmas is the hardest of all.

We had a memory box made for our GC with their names carved in the front and every year we have bought them a Christmas card and put it in the box.

We were estranged before our eldest GC's first Christmas on Christmas eve, so I'd already bought a Christmas tree bauble for 'baby's 1st Christmas' which I kept for the memory box I planned to have. When our second GC was born, I did the same thing.

Buying cards for them at Christmas, even in the knowledge that the ones sent would never be given to them, really helped me to cope. I am a GM. Mr. S. is a GF. We have 2 beautiful GC and our ES and his wife may have prevented us from having a relationship with them, but they cannot change the fact that we are their GP's.

This will be the first year we haven't sent them a card in the post, we've decided we don't need to do that anymore so will be getting a card for each of them to go in the memory box.
So if you haven't done so already, make a memory box for the GC you cannot see and each Christmas buy and write a card for your GC.

If you've always celebrated Christmas, decorated your home and your tree don't stop. It's very tempting to not bother because it's just too painful but you can't ignore it, not really.

You see the homes where you live with their lovely decorations and for me, to not do my best to embrace this time of the year would simply reinforce what we have lost, and make it harder see what we still have.

If there are things that you feel are just too hard to do, don't do them. It's 8 years for us now and I still can't go to our church's children's nativity service or watch them on tv, so I don't.

Most importantly, talk about how you feel and if you think that those closest to you are 'all talked out' talk to us here on GN. You are not alone. Like me and I'm sure it's the same for so many EP's and EGP's, you'll be surprised at just how many are going through what we are.

We've never sent anything to our ES which TBH is purely for self preservation, as neither of us could cope with anything we'd sent being returned, or being castigated for sending him something in the first place.

My one and only tip is do what feels right for you, do what will help you get through your first or yet another Christmas with estrangement.

Brilliant post Smileless x

Volunteer! There are so many people in need this time of year, and lots of amazing organizations. Focusing on giving to others in need will help you embrace what the season is all about, peace and goodwill. You’ll feel so good about your good deeds, you’ll forget to feel bad.

Smileless
So sad that your Grandchildren are missing out on a relationship with you. You sound so lovely and wise.
I would love to think that one day you will be united with them.

One mistake estranged parents make is trying to connect with eac when important calendar celebrations are near, with apologies and asking to reconnect.

It often worsens the estrangement.

The only way I can cope is to not think about them, easier said than done, but when thoughts do creep into my head I have to push them out.

The first 6.5yrs I would light a candle for them, put cards in their memory sacks along with the first Xmas gifts [that I still have] and put money in their bank accounts I opened for them. But the grieving was not relenting, so I stopped everything, including coming on GN. It helped a lot, I got my mind back, I stopped visualising killing myself.

Thank you Pantglas and FannyCornforth.

Yogagirl what 'works' for us at the beginning of our estrangements and helps us to cope, as time goes by can be something that can hold us back and prevent us from moving forward, and prolong the grieving process.

That's why my only tip is do whatever feels right for you, and what may be right one year may not be right the following year.

We have never tried to reconnect with our ES at particular times of the year, his birthday and/or Christmas for example but I do understand why some EP's feel the need to do so.