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Estrangement

Estranged nanan lonely at christmas

(9 Posts)
Dedee1220 Thu 17-Dec-20 00:16:30

I have been estranged from my only child and my grandchildren for 4 years now and just when I thought we were making progress and what I thought was getting back together as a family, has all gone out of the window and beyond any reasoning. There have been no arguments ever, no history of physical or mental abuse. Im baffled and am still trying to find what the problem is.. I have let my adult child contact me as and when they want too, as not to pressure them , even though I'm heartbroken and confused.
The reason I have joined is to try to get some understanding from fellow estrangees, and to ask who is alone at Christmas, as it will be my first one alone and im dreading it.
Stay safe x

OceanMama Thu 17-Dec-20 00:29:50

Is it potentially because of Covid they are not in contact over Christmas? What makes you think the progress has gone out the window?

I understand your not wanting to pressure the adult child but is there a reason you aren't contacting them at all? Does this maybe come off as indifference?

crazyH Thu 17-Dec-20 00:53:44

So sorry Deede. My middle son and I were very close. But it all changed after he married. It came to a head a couple of years ago. It was such a petty argument over something or nothing (actually, I can’t remember what it was all about). Lots of nasty things were said to me by my son and his wife. My heart broke. I expected them to keep the babies away from me. They told me they wanted nothing to do with me, but I could go over to see the little ones. I would go once a week or so. They would let me in and then they would go upstairs, while I played with the kiddies for an hour or so. I am divorced and so it was very difficult, knowing that my ex-husband and his wife were allowed to visit and I was kept at arms length.
Things are better now. It’s hard to forget what happened, but I have to, for the sake of my own well-being.
Why don’t you ask them why they have decided to keep you out of their lives? I hope you get some answers. Good luck.

Roz215 Thu 17-Dec-20 01:03:05

Dedee. I’m so sorry to hear. Though I’m not in this position I could potentially be as I’ve got troubled with my daughter who has a son, my lovely GS. I tread a fine line in the face of criticism and disregard though I support and do all I can.
As you have been trying really hard to mend fences and understand the reason I don’t know what more you can do except reiterate that you’re there, you want to fix it and that your love is there always. Perhaps put it in a card and post it. There’s still time to sort before Christmas. And no matter what happens you will have friends here to chat to. I do hope it will work out. Let us know and we’ll be thinking of you and wishing you well. Xx

Yogagirl Fri 18-Dec-20 08:05:29

Dedee So sorry to hear your sad story, it's especially hard at this time of year. There probably isn't a reason as such, just your DD's husband not wanting you around [?]

I had no argument with my DD, no bad words, nothing. I thought I got on fine with her H, but just before Xmas, 8yrs ago, I was cut out. Haven't seen my DD&GC since.

The ball is all in their court, nothing you can do but hope & prayer they will have heart and stop this heart breaking estrangement.

Good luck flowers

Fuchsiarose Fri 18-Dec-20 11:21:16

Sorry to hear you are alone at Xmas. A lot of us are. My girl has given twenty years of estrangement to me. Although, she dipped in and out of my life when she had a crisis. Of which, there were many. She did not learn from any mistakes she made in life. It was almost like she had a self destruct button, for herself, and others. Not just me. Social services told me recently, as they had to safeguard me. That she has an Avoidant personality. Well, I will have to look that up now. I have always loved her, and I have always left the door ajar. So to speak. It's not your fault, we can only bring them to adulthood, the rest is up to them. Enjoy Xmas on your own, at least it will be peaceful

Charleygirl5 Fri 18-Dec-20 12:03:57

Indulge yourself on Christmas Day- buy treats for yourself as I have. I have sorted out lunch with a nice bottle of wine and hope that there will be something I fancy on TV. I will lounge around, doing zilch and enjoy myself.

Admittedly I have spent many Christmases on my own so I am a dab hand at it. One year Ii painted the hall- I do what I fancy when I fancy as I do most days.

Toadinthehole Fri 18-Dec-20 16:59:30

Is your adult child a daughter or son? I do think it makes a difference. I personally believe a DIL is potentially, a bigger disruptive influence than a SIL. Not always I know, but generally.
You say you thought fences were starting to be mended. What happened the first time? Has the same happened again? I know you say nothing has happened, but there must be something which triggered it all.
Apart from telling them you love them deeply...I don’t know what else you can do. Just be there. I’m sure you’ll find lots of support on here💐

Sparkling Sat 19-Dec-20 06:59:04

Sorry DeeDee, you can't do anything if she won't talk to you about her concerns. It takes two. It's heartbreaking I know, we are in a pandemic and it's Christmas and its lonely, makes it especially hard I know. Come on here and join in the conversations.💐