My son

I agree. A letter with your Will would be a good idea as a final parting gesture. The only time I might question whether this is a good idea or not, is if it is the first correspondence your son has ever had from you. Then it could be devastatingly sad. From your post, you seem to be saying you contacted him in his early twenties, and then weren’t able to after that, because of name changes etc. Is that right? Did you tell him about your illness then? If you did, then as others have said, sadly I don’t think there is much more you can do. Just try to focus on the positive things in your life, and maybe one day...he’ll surprise you.?

As the child of a person who had puerperal psychosis which went untreated (I was six years old at the time), I can confirm that it causes dangerous and irrational behaviour. My Mum recovered and went on to live a normal life, but I carry the memories of her horrifying behaviour during that period. My father refused to discuss it and neither of my brothers remembers that period.

The OP’s behaviour at the time is understandable, but, following her recovery, leaving it for decades before approaching her son is unexplained. It may be that he is traumatised by early childhood experiences of a mentally ill mother, and/or influenced by his father’s account of events surrounding her departure. His rejection of her approaches after 20+ years is reasonable and understandable, and the OP needs to accept the consequences of these events. Mental illness is not morally reprehensible, but the damage it does to others may be real and irreversible.

I blame sentimental reunion TV programmes like ‘Long Lost Family’ for raising unrealistic expectations of a warm reunion after years apart.

I’m sorry, but I have very little sympathy

PPP is a very serious illness not being "selfish" or "unkind"!. As you have very little sympathy Amber I can't imagine any reason why the OP would want to give you any further information!

*not

Given what you shared (and I say this with no intent to be demeaning) but I don’t blame them. Your son is not a toy that you take out of a toy box to play with and then discard when you’re done with it. That’s jot fair to your son. I’m curious as to how he’s been able to cope with what happened as he was an innocent child. He’s the real victim in this. All due respect but he deserves a peaceful life.

I can understand that Peasblossom and of course there are cases when despite the length of time that's passed, a relationship can and does develop but of course it can never anything like as close as it would have been.

So sad.

Actually I know someone who’s story is very similar, except he is a bit older. He knew that his mum had left when he was a baby and had not been in contact since.

He met up with her eventually in his late thirties. She was getting older, wondered if she had grandchildren, wanted to meet them.

But, as he said, she was a total stranger. She knew nothing about his life so far. He knew nothing about hers. They had never made any kind of bond.

He couldn’t see (or feel) any reason to stay in touch. It was a mistake for her to feel that she could suddenly become relevant to him just because she felt the need.

As far as I can gather you made contact with your son when he was in his 20s. He has chosen not to maintain that connection. I'm sure he has his reasons. All you can do is try to respect his wishes. Perhaps if you stop bothering his dad and the family he might eventually decide to contact you, but at the moment I think you are just making things worse. Step back and wait.

cpjude Sending love. No-one can understand this pain unless they've lost a child, temporarily or 'permanently'. Perhaps one day...

Why would the OP leaving a letter in her will be the "ultimate act of cruelty and selfishness" Bibbity?

The OP's son may not know that his mother left due to PPP which greatly affected her mental heath, something over which she had no control.

His father and his father's family may not have been aware of this either or if they were, not explained this to him when he was older. He may have grown up believing that his birth mother didn't love him and simply didn't care.

A well composed letter may be a comfort to him, may answer some previously unanswered questions.

If it were me, even if I didn't find out until my birth mother had died, I'd rather know that what led up to my mum was something beyond her control and not because she didn't want or love me.

Amber Spyglass, your feeling sympathy or not is irrelevant

What is required is understanding and help not sugar.

Stop feeling guilty. Stop feeling remorseful. You are obsessing needlessly and hurting yourself. There is a therapy that can help you to stop these neurotic responses to a long ago injury.

You are a very different person now from who you were when you were psychotic. You are not at fault in any way for that long-ago illness or its present after effects.

I think leaving a letter in your will would be the ultimate act of cruelty and selfishness. It gives him no chance for resolution or to challenge what is said.

He has the opportunity to contact you. He is choosing not to. The relationship has most likely severed beyond repair. You rebuilt your life and he has his. You should take enjoyment in what you have and try to find peace in what you can control.

M0nica
In the OP, it is stated that OP recovered, married again and had 3 more kids.

Yes, mental illness is the cause but there has been plenty of time to address this - post ppp recovery

We should not forget that the OP was mentally ill when the separation from her son occurred. When people are mentally ill, and PPP is more than just the period of psychosis, she may well have done and agreed to things, that she would never have done had she been in good mental health. Hers is not the first marriage to be destroyed by this illness.

This may be why she so wants to rebuild the relationship with her son. the fact that she has other children is no compensation for the loss of this child. However I think in this case, she does have to accept that her son does not want her in his life and must seek all the help she can to cope with that knowledge.

It’s very sad, but before you had other children, was the time to make contact with your child. Think it’s too late now. I would definitely leave him the same as the other children in you will. His happiness comes first, the person he calls mom was there for him, for that you should be grateful. You have 3 other children to be mom to.

I have very little sympathy with you

This OP asked for advice. Most posters have given advice kindly, with the consensus being she needs to let her son and his loved ones live their lives without her continued attempts to contact them.

Isn’t that enough for you AmberSpyGlass?

Shame on YOU AMBERSPYGLASS.
This poor sad poster was suffering a mental health condition and a badly managed domestic arrangement at the the time means she has lost her son because of it. I suggest to you any one on GN is here because we have been through childbirth and been at risk of the same condition PPP that she went through.

While PPP is the starting point of it, why wait for 2+ decades to make contact?

That is the problematic point for me

Perhaps you could leave him something in your Will. I don't necessarily mean money.

PPP is a very nasty illness and I imagine the OP could not control her actions at the time.

Like others, I think writing a letter and putting it with your Will would be the best way forward.

As you have "very little sympathy" I doubt the OP will respond AmberSpyglass and I can't say I blame her.

I’m curious about what happened. You just walked out, unplanned? And then what? I’m sorry, but I have very little sympathy.

You were suffering with a mental illness. There was little help back then. You did not deliberately set out to hurt people. You needed help. It does not sound as if you got any. I agree about writing a letter. Explain that you were not the same person back then and that because of your mental illness you did not act rationally. If I were you I'd ask an expert for help in writing the letter. It needs careful thought. Your son is bitter and perhaps a professional could help you to put in writing something that may make him in some way understand. You have tried and failed to make contact so I'd advise asking someone else how to go about it. I see you have already written letters but perhaps they were intercepted and your son never got them. No doubt his family have said bad things about you and this is what he believes. But nobody knows what goes on in another person's mind so they cannot judge you. Even if he never replies, you will know you wrote the letter. I wish you all the very best with this as it must torture you. I made mistakes when I was young but I was a different person then. I'd say keep trying. Your son possibly doesn't know you've tried to make contact. You need somehow to find a way to get through to him without the rest of the family knowing. Don't give up.

Very sad story, PPP is a serious condition and I am glad that you got medical attention.

However, your first son does not want to know about you -he has blocked you any way he can.
Please respect his wishes