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automatic rights for mother is sexist

(22 Posts)
Illbethere Thu 08-Apr-21 21:11:34

Hi Im new to this forum. I doubt Im going to say anything that hasn't been said before, but as Im going out of my mind about the lack of contact with my grand child please bear with me while I 'vent' a bit of my pain. One point at a time and todays is how sexist is the automatic right of women to stop fathers having access to their own children if they so desire (when there is no actual reason apart from things like spite and malice)? So how can this situation be allowed if this is the case (which it seems to me to be)?

Craicon Thu 08-Apr-21 21:13:40

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Tangerine Thu 08-Apr-21 21:35:42

I think it is wrong that good fathers are prevented from seeing their children, if the reason is spite and malice on the part of the mother.

I guess there are so many different cases and so many different reasons.

It is very hard on grandparents.

M0nica Thu 08-Apr-21 21:57:25

Nobody can make any judgmentt on a diatribe like this unless they know all the details, which we do not and should not.

When parents separate and a separation and access agreement is made through the courts, if it is not obeyed the offending parent can be taken back to court.

It is not just women. Parents of both sexes can be unreasonable in their demands, in avoiding giving the other parent access, in making unreasonable access demands and in failing to visit their children when they have said they will.

Grandparents have no rights in regards to grand children and I do not think they should have any. Children are the responsibility of their parents and they should be the sole decision makers in regard to contact with their children.

Blossoming Thu 08-Apr-21 22:20:58

There isn’t an ‘automatic right’.

agnurse Thu 08-Apr-21 22:23:34

In my jurisdiction in North America, both parents have equal footing when it comes to determining custody and parenting time. In some circumstances it may be advisable for the child to live primarily with one parent, but it is not automatically assumed that the mother should get primary parenting.

GG65 Thu 08-Apr-21 22:53:37

Presuming you are in the U.K., a mother does not have the right to deny a father access to their child.

So, if you are not seeing your granchild, I would imagine it is because your son can’t be bothered to go through the courts.

Don’t blame the mother, if your son wants to see his child, there are procedures in place that will allow him to do so.

CafeAuLait Thu 08-Apr-21 22:54:14

There have been cases where fathers have kept children from mothers. Unless there is a good reason, both parents have rights of access to their child. If this is being prevented, speak to a family lawyer.

Hithere Fri 09-Apr-21 00:29:46

How is your son fighting for his right to parent his own kids?

Sparkling Fri 09-Apr-21 07:33:01

Ilbethere, I know you're posting as you are hurting at not seeing your grandchild, no one knows what has gone on between your son, partner and child, that doesn't help you. I think it's wrong if a good father is unable to see his child, he could be a better parent than the mother, who knows. Some women make it difficult for the partner to get access out of spite or control or it could be for a very good reason. I hope that your son if he us a good father gets in touch with the group on Fathers Rights who can be of more help. Whatever it is, grandparents have no automatic rights, I don't think it's sexist, parenting should be equal unless there is a good reason for it not to be.
I think the response bt Craicon was very rude and I would just dismiss it as such.

yggdrasil Fri 09-Apr-21 08:52:28

How old does a child have to be until he/she decides she does not want to spend time with the father any more? Mum knows if she doesn't send them, she will get blamed for it, but they are the ones who are saying they don't want to go

JaneJudge Fri 09-Apr-21 09:02:28

If you want a relationship with your grandchild I would advise you to stop seeing and describing their Mother are spiteful and malicious, that might be a very positive start.

Your son needs to contact a solicitor and liaise through the family courts. He wont be stopped from seeing his child even if that contact is initially supervised in a contact centre. I suppose it is much easier to blame someone else though.

Smileless2012 Fri 09-Apr-21 09:15:39

The son of a friend of mine had problems a couple of years ago with his ex making it difficult for him to see his son to the extent that he wasn't having him to stay over for weekends he should have been.

Another friend's son is going through this at the moment. His D's aged 10 and 7 aren't even responding to text messages. His ex says the eldest doesn't want to see him despite the fact that they've always had a close relationship and both girls enjoyed the twice a month weekends they stayed with their dad.

Of course fathers can do this too but it's usually the case that with joint contact, the children live with the mother so if she does want to come between the children and their father she's able to do so.

The only way of fighting is to go back to court and this, as in the first case I referred too, took time and more that one return to court before the mother did the right thing.

With the virtual non existence now for legal aid, it's expensive and out of reach for the many fathers in addition to paying maintenance and contributing to the cost of keeping a roof over their children's heads, as well as their own.

Anyone who for whatever reason is unable to see their GC will understand how heart breaking this is for you Illbethere. The mother of your sons children doesn't have the right to stop him from seeing them and going back to court maybe the only option he has.

So much unavoidable pain and distress is caused when children are used as weapons to 'get back' at others. Adults need to behave like adults and put the welfare and interests of their children above their own petty grievances, anger and desire for revenge.

Nightsky2 Fri 09-Apr-21 09:20:47

Sometimes spite and malice is used to prevent fathers seeing their children particularly where the husband has left them for another woman. Your son needs a good lawyer.

rafichagran Fri 09-Apr-21 09:23:57

Yawn Another rude and unnecessary reply, to a poster who has said she is new here Craicon, what's your problem. You may not want to discuss it but OP does.
I like other posters agree as Grandparents we should not have rights, it's down to the parents to sort this out.
I do think your son maybe needs to be more pro active.

Smileless2012 Fri 09-Apr-21 10:43:40

The rights are the children and those rights are not being recognised when one parent is being prevented from having contact by the other.

Armadillo Fri 09-Apr-21 14:42:47

I think just stay supportive and don't take any sides because there is a lot of anger at first when people split up and usually it cools down but if you took a side and if anything gets said it might be you who gets shut out.
I think it's best to keep polite with mum and help your son if he does need to go for access as you might not know everything about what went on with them.

Namsnanny Fri 09-Apr-21 15:14:15


The rights are the children and those rights are not being recognised when one parent is being prevented from having contact by the other.

I'm in total agreement with the above.

How can this situation be allowed if this is the case...

Well, technically it isnt allowed. But to rectify it costs money one of the many good points smileless made in her previous post.

As the situation stands, there is little you can do, but support your son (possibly financially?) and hope things improve.

Do vent on here (or somewhere) for your own peace of mind.
I understand how heartbreaking it is not to be able to see gchildren.

Smileless2012 Fri 09-Apr-21 18:13:39

"you might not know everything that went on with them" that's true but should have no bearing on a father being able to see his children.

Katie59 Fri 09-Apr-21 19:34:21

Often there is a tug of love spiced with spite and malice, a court will decide on custody and visitation, both sides are capable of being belligerent. As a grandparent all you can do is stay on good terms with both sides, however difficult that is.

Smileless2012 Fri 09-Apr-21 20:36:24

When it comes to children being able to see both their parents, there's no place for spite and malice.

A parent keeping children away from their other parent goes beyond belligerence and this goes on in spite of the custody and visitation rulings made by the courts.

BlueberryPie Mon 17-May-21 11:13:16

Whatever's going on between the parents, I think the best you can do at this point is, if feasible, contact the mother yourself, preferably with your son's blessing, and very sweetly offer her a nice week off while her child comes to stay with grandma.

Or, if that's not in the cards, make yourself back off some mentally and re-focus on the other things that are (or could be) in your life instead. I don't mean to be flippant. It's just that when you're not one of the parents, there's really not much else you can do.