Never dreamt this could happen

Every now and then the idea of being able to mend bridges with my MIL creeps in but I quickly dismiss it because I know I can't do anything right there and I am her scapegoat for her poor relationship with her son. So I will always resist the urge to write. If she had contacted me over the years, I would have been her best bridge back, but she's so busy blaming me that I don't think she can even see that. I suspect having to acknowledge that I am open to her might be too difficult. It would mean having to face that her and her son have blocked each other. I can see that can't be easy emotionally.

The thought of MIL did cross my mind again yesterday but I am now reminding myself that she is a lot older and I don't know how her health is. If I think of her own mother at her age, I now think, is it even fair to open this up with a woman who may be in frail old age? She might be quite well and strong but I don't know.

I find it very hard to stay out of. I remind myself it's between them, not me.

Hithere

Grannyrose15
Please read the post from freedom in this same page.

My comments were not directed at Freedom, but at the OP. Just because I have sympathy for the OP, doesn't mean I am denigrating Freedom in any way.

What I am saying is that it is sad when estrangement happens as there are many benefits of living in an extended family.

Freedomfromthepast
Thankyou, but it’s not really hurtful, I just worry that she thinks a mother and daughter relationship can so easily be broken. My mother is very old now, and she probably appears to be completely harmless to them.

I too tried very hard to make her like me, but I know she didn’t, and gradually I came to realise that it didn’t matter because I didn’t like her either.

I had my ups and downs with my dad, but I have happy childhood memories, and I loved him. He did occasionally intervene when she said things which were really spiteful, but I think he just tried to withdraw from us completely.

Sara: I would love to have a relationship with the mother I deserved to have, not the mother I got. But I know that will never happen.

I oversimplified in my post, but it would take therapy on her part to hold herself accountable and that will never happen. I am at peace with the fact that I will never have a relationship with her again. I cant see a time in the future that my children will forgive her and want a relationship, but that is a decision they have to make when they are adults. They know the truth about her now, because she showed it to them.

I am so sorry your Grandchildren say those things. It is hurtful I know.

I’ve tried not to let the rift between my mother and I affect the rest of my family, and mostly I don’t think they take any notice. But recently one of my eleven year old granddaughters has taken to asking questions,
How can you not love your own mum?
Why doesn’t she love you, what did you do?
Couldn’t you at least send her a Christmas card?
I love you and mummy, you love me and mummy, what happens to stop a mummy loving their child?
I worry that I’ve made her insecure, that she thinks relationships can just collapse.
So I agree, children certainly pick up on things.

"kids pick up on it" they certainly do and is something that parents and GP's need to be mindful of.

"If he is too weak to do this" it's a mistake to assume that only the weak can be manipulated and controlled.

Freedomfromthepast
It sounds like you are still open to negotiation, I’m afraid I’m not, I don’t ever want anymore communication.
I think I see that I had my faults, I could be mouthy, and I think she always found me embarrassing, which in turn made me feel ashamed. Just a viscous circle of mixed expectations.
My children are all in contact with her, as is my husband, two of them were old enough to make their own decisions, and to be fair, she’s been a much better granny than a mother.

Always the DiL's fault it would seem. You said you weren't happy about them getting married - do you think they may have picked up on this? It is up to your son to make sure that the relationship with your GC is maintained not his wife yet you seem to think it is all her fault. If he is too weak to do this (because she might be controlling him) then why? Your son needs to take some responsibility and perhaps you do too. As they say - it takes two to tango!

From a grandchild of a grandmother that couldn't hold her tongue about my father, even in "harmless" comments like "why does he have to be so loud?" (my father had a booming voice) it made me not like to spend time with my grandmother. So when I was a teenager I refused or made other plans (especially after I had access to a car) because I am half my mother and half my father, so I figured she didn't like at least half of me.

So grandparents, a word from a grandchild with some insight (many many many years old experience, but experience), anything you say about a parent, or any tone, inflection or an expression...kids pick up on it and has nothing to do with their parents but you.

I don't necessarily categorize myself as not blameless. The way I look at it is that I did not choose to be born. I did not change my personality to deliberately challenge her and I am not responsible for the expectations she had. I spent a life time trying to live up to her expectations and couldn't. One usually cant when the bar is raised any time you get close.

Am I to be blamed because I didn't change who I am to make her happy? Why doesn't she have any responsibility to accept who I am and make adjustments to her behavior when needed to keep the peace for family events, etc.

I see this as an extension of the "mismatched expectations causes many estrangement" theme of my earlier posts. It is also a good example of adult children who estrange after having children. The relationship WE had with our parents may have been fine for US. But we want better for our children.

Until she takes responsibility in her part of our relationship downfall and continues to believe that she has no idea why this happened, no reconciliation WITH ME can be attempted. I will not force my children to have a relationship with her at any point. That would mean I am complicit in her abuse.

So here we are. Me asking her to think about her actions and she insisting she has no idea what happened to break down our relationship. An impasse.

Freedomfromthepast
I feel the same, I like your attitude.
I make no apologies, I accept that because of who I am, which is not the child she wanted, that I’m not blameless in the situation, but my choice, and the sense of freedom is wonderful.

Sara1954

Freedomfromthepast
I understand .
You just need to accept that not many people will.

Oh I am aware. But I am ok if people don't understand. Because at the end of the day it is my life, which isn't anyone else's business. I don't need anyone to validate the fact that I made this decision. Nor do I feel guilty about making it. She made her choices after being given multiple chances.

I very clearly laid it out, in writing, what behavior I needed to stop (talking badly to my kids about me and involving them in our relationship) and what the consequence would be (limited or no contact) This is the consequence of her decisions. The responsibility falls on her alone. But she still to this day says she has no idea the reason why and says she never did anything to deserve this.

I am not responsible for her feelings. I am not responsible for her choices. I am not responsible for her happiness. Nor are my children.

I started reading on GN to learn more from the EP point of view. I post my experience in hopes that maybe it would help just one EP look at things with a different viewpoint and that helps their estrangement.

I think, though, that type of introspection is rare. Hopefully that the more the topic of Estrangement is discussed with input from both sides, the less stigmatized it becomes. The more we hear from both sides, the better understanding we have of the topic, the more likely it is that people have better outcomes.

One can only hope.

Madgran
Thankyou, but I’m not really bothered.
I’ve grown a thick skin over the years.

I think a lot of people believe her.

I think that can so easily happen in such situations can't it. Difficult for you.

Madgran
Sorry, I was talking more generally.
I also accept that I can’t blame everything on my mother, I too have faults!
But i think she plays the martyr, can’t imagine what she has done to warrant such treatment, and I think a lot of people believe her.

Sara I was thinking specifically about this site where I see many examples of people who do not allow their own experience of estrangement to cloud their understanding of why another poster has done what they have done. I also see the opposite.

My personal experience, away from this site, would be that there are, as you describe, people who feel that they could never estrange regardless of any circumstances. When they say that despite understanding why someone else has done it, they can't get their heads around the potential need for themselves if they experienced particular circumstances. I think this is because they simply cannot picture their circumstances being so different with a family member from what they know as their reality.

It is good that you are clear about your own personal decision and that it is the right one for you.

Madgran
I’m not sure you’re right, I think unless people have first hand experience, they find it very hard to understand how some people feel the need to estrange.
My personal experience is that my friends get why I’ve done it, but think it’s not something they could ever do themselves, under any circumstances.

Children have the right to not hear a grandparent or other relative not talk badly about their parent

I agree. I am sorry about your daughter freedom and clearly, after trying so hard, your decision was the right one.

I don't agree Sara that "not many people will..understand". I think that many will be able to see exactly why freedom made her decision, because they will not allow their own different experiences of estrangement to cloud their viewpoint on the experience that freedom describes.

"an adult should be able to control and regulate their behaviour in front of a child" absolutely Lolo. There wasn't any evidence that during that time my m.i.l. would have said anything that was inappropriate, but because of how she was behaving it was a real concern, which is why Mr. S. always took them to see his parents, and stayed with them while they were there.

The welfare of our children is paramount and I understand why you took the decision that you did freedomfromthepast, and having spent 4 years trying to resolve the problem, clearly this was not a decision taken lightly.

My relationship with my m.i.l. did improve eventually and her compassion and support, especially in the first few years of our estrangement was priceless.

Our ES estranged her too but she remains close to our other son and although she's of course hurt that she never got to see 2 of her GGC, she has others.

My mum, who died last year was never given the chance to be a GGM even though her only GGC lived just a few doors away from her.

Our children saw very little of their grandparents because we live in Australia. When they did come, or we went over,it tended to be weeks at a time which was quite hard really. We didn’t have a bad relationship and often phoned but it was different. In those days they didn’t have zoom or anything like that and I doubt either set of grandparents would have been comfortable with it to be honest. I get it about not getting on with your mother. It happens and is more common than you might think. Sometimes things get better over time and when children get older but not always.

Freedomfromthepast
I understand .
You just need to accept that not many people will.

I am talking about my own story. My own personal experience with my own mother.

Just wondering, freedom, if you are talking about this particular case or another family? If it is this then of course that changes things. We only hear what writers want us to hear of course and as you said, there is often another side to the story.

I have no doubt that my mother does love my children. She just hates me more.

I am quite sure that those who do not know both sides of the story could not understand how I could cut off a loving Grandparent.

did =dil