Mediation- does anyone have experience of this?

Hithere

What complaints did she share with you?

Mostly about how he wasn't being supportive- with no examples. She kept demanding that I tell him to be a better parent (as if I have any control over him) and that his mood swings were all down to me- how he was always worse when I'd been etc etc. I stepped away a few months ago but clearly it was nothing to do with me, as they are now living apart.
I blocked her after she was constantly attacking me with her vitriolic messages mostly about me and what a shit person I was/am.

I wish things could be as simple as you suggest but it is far more complicated.

When I suggested it didn't think the situation was simple keepingquiet It was just a suggestion if you felt it was viable in the difficult circumstances. It seems that it is not viable from what you say!

I agree that bombarding with questions will get you nowhere. The fact that you go round in circles and nothing fits together suggests that there is a great deal more that has gone on and as you say you may never know

At least messaging your son regularly means contact at some level is maintained and he knows you are there if he needs you !

I hope that mediation works for them

What complaints did she share with you?

From family experience they're as good as useless.

Muffin I wish I knew- she told son if he went she would call the police, but then she asked him to go round because she thought there was a gas leak! Now she wants him to sort out her car insurance! It seems she wants him to help her out but have no contact with the baby. It is a nightmare.

Madgran-it is impossible to get anything clear from my son either. I feel as if I go round gathering bits of info but none of them fit together. As I've said I don't want too involved, and bombarding him with questions doesn't help him. I think some things I'll never know.
Their relationship has never been stable. Having a child wasn't a good idea but she brought up another child on her own so maybe she thinks she can do it again.
I don't want to go into the SW thing, but I am glad they are involved.
DIL only contacted me to moan about my son- she would never mention the baby. The last message she sent I asked how she and the baby were but she never replied. She won't go for coffee with me because she rarely goes out. I wish things could be as simple as you suggest but it is far more complicated.
I will stick to messaging my son for now. I know the baby is ok.

from the beginning she has tried to portray my son in a bad light (he's far from perfect but bearing in mind we were in lockdown, he'd just lost his father and hadn't seen the baby for almost a week after she was born) is it surprising he was wrecked?

It is very understandable that your son was in a mess in those circumstances. I think it would be wise to talk to him about any possible sources of the "dangerous" comment from DIL ... when upset what did he do/say etc.? What happened when he saw the baby etc. ? Not accusatory atall, just working together to try to understand where she is coming from and helping him to work out a way forward for him with getting access to his child. I also do think that if he tells you anything about what he did when upset it might give you insight into the problem from your DILs point of view.

She is always coming out with strange things- on my visit to see the baby she made a thing of saying if they split up she wouldn't stop me seeing the baby. I just looked at her and thought what an odd thing to say when you've just had a baby!

That does seem strange but does suggest that she may have had the split in mind at the time. Has your son told you why they split up?

You mentioned a SW (social worker, I assume) which suggests that there have been problems in the family for a while ...did Social services become involved after the baby was born? Why? What happened?

You really don't have to answer those questions on here if you don't want to, they are things that you might like to consider for yourself though.

If you do decide to contact DIL then I would suggest just a friendly "Hi just saying touching base, and wondering how you are. Hope that you and * are ok. It would be lovely to see you both, fancy a coffee?"

So you wouldn't be engaging in talking about your son and their relationship but getting a feel of how the land lies. If she agreed to meet for coffee, play it as she wants to maybe? Ask about your granddaughter, how DiL is getting on etc. If she starts talking about your son, you can listen and (if appropriate depending on what she says) just say "I am sorry that this has happened. I know he misses (their child)." and go from there

All of the above though depends on what sort of relationship you have had with her prior to their split.

That was a very odd thing to say keepingquiet just after the baby was born, almost as if them splitting up was a distinct possibility in her mind at least, even then.

It's perfectly understandable given the circumstances that you son was "wrecked", after all none of us are perfect are we.

When we looked at mediation, we were told that where emotions are running particularly high, both parties can be seated in separate rooms with the mediator going between them. That said it would make an already very difficult situation even harder if that were the case.

keepingquiet have the parents and SW agreed that he will have supervised contact only or that he will not contact the mother?
It is important to know this given SW are involved. A broken voluntary agreement with SW can mean a move to more formal involvement.

Maybe it is more sexist than racist. I shouldn't have used a disparaging term anyway and it is very unlike me.
Truth is I don't really know how happy or otherwise she is- she uses SM to present a face. I once had a conversation with her (oh how long ago that seems) to that effect.
Nanna8 I salute you- it sounds like difficult work and I don't envy anyone who has to deal with those two. They are both highly emotionally charged.
Madgran77- from the beginning she has tried to portray my son in a bad light (he's far from perfect but bearing in mind we were in lockdown, he'd just lost his father and hadn't seen the baby for almost a week after she was born) is it surprising he was wrecked?
She is always coming out with strange things- on my visit to see the baby she made a thing of saying if they split up she wouldn't stop me seeing the baby. I just looked at her and thought what an odd thing to say when you've just had a baby!

Is there a social worker involved?

Think I better put my specs on, as I read the title as meditation no I haven’t had experience of this, but I’m hoping everything turns out well for all concerned keeping quiet, I think I would seek legal advice on this

Thanks Madgran a more in depth explanation of the term than the one I gave so why is it racist Amberspyglass? Having accused a poster of using "an incredibly racist phrase" you should be able to explain why it is racist.

Claiming he is "too dangerous" to be around his child is an unusual turn of phrase for a parent to use when refusing access. Has she made allegations towards him or towards herself?

I think mediation could be helpful, but both parties have to agree to it and to engage. I agree nanna8 it very far from easy!

Mediation is a way of finding a compromise that is acceptable to all or both parties. It can work, but (like counselling) it depends on the skill of the mediator, and trust in the mediator.
Participants in mediation need to be prepared to get the emotion out of the way, because sometimes there will be tension and raised voices before a breakthrough is achieved.

I'm sorry for you keepingquiet - it must be hard.

Quote from Phrasefinder: "sandboy was the name of those who delivered sand to public houses, theatres and homes in the 18th and 19th centuries. Children were used in that trade, but most sandboys were adults. This use of 'boy' has frequently been used for low-status male workers, as in tea-boy, barrow-boy, house-boy etc.

The use that the sand was put to was as a crude floor covering - a precursor to sawdust in what later became known as 'spit and sawdust' establishments - public spitting wasn't then reviled as it is now.

The earliest printed citation of the phrase that I can find is from Pierce Egan's Real Life in London, 1821:

"...appeared to be as happy as a sand-boy, who had unexpectedly met with good luck in disposing of his hampers full of the above-household commodity. "

Maybe happy as a pig in shit is a better phrase than the sandboy one ?

I used to be a mediator back in the day. Really you give each party uninterrupted time to speak and get the main points off each participant then try to help them work through some sort of compromise that they both agree to. Harder than it sounds !

the saying comes from boys who collected sand for the land lords to scatter on the floor to soak up any spilled beer. They were paid in beer, hence the saying. Why is that racist?

You can’t get involved - this is between them. And “happy as a sandboy” is an incredibly racist phrase.

Yes, I suggested he do this. He is seeking legal advice but I suggested he start with CA first. He is all over the place and seems utterly broken.
I am trying not to get too involved but it is hard when you see your own child so crushed.
Meanwhile, she seems happy as a sandboy.
I will never understand it.

I think you need to get legal advice. He can’t be prevented from seeing his child without good reason. Talk to Citizens Advice.

No direct experience, but I understand it's supposed to give both parties a chance to say what they need to (and hear each other!) and to try to come to some agreement. The mediator's role is a bit like a referee, making sure each person hears and is heard, but not to advise.