It is now all my fault

I know- he was always good at pressing my buttons. Now I have covered them in armour plating.
I did eventually reply to his e-mail-using advice in Coleman's book.
He hasn't replied but I'm not even sure I want him too.
I'm still hoping I'll get some contact with my granddaughter soon.

What Monica says is true. You have my sympathy - you cannot do right for doing wrong. A situation us parents often find ourselves in.

keepingquiet

No, there's nothing positive but I'm reading a book by Joshua Coleman called 'When parents hurt,' yes it is American but he writes a lot of sense and could be read by any struggling parent.
It is also quite funny in parts. It is helping me a lot.

This looks interesting. I enjoyed reading the preview of that book and it took me down a rabbit hole of previewing other books. One interesting question I came across but I won't post it here so the discussion can't get off track. Maybe I should start a thread.

When someone very close to us is angry with us, they know us well enough to know what accusations will hurt us most. Whether they are true or not is quite incidental.

Keepingquiet your son will know how important truth is to you and that being accused of lying, will cut you to the quick. He will also know deep inside, even though he will not admit it, that his own actions have brought him to this impasse and he will be defensive and denying everything.

You have all my sympathy in his sad situation, but you know what your son says is wrong, just remember he said it because, sadly, he wanted to get you where it would hurt most and this is what he did. It doesn't mean that what he said is true.

No, there's nothing positive but I'm reading a book by Joshua Coleman called 'When parents hurt,' yes it is American but he writes a lot of sense and could be read by any struggling parent.
It is also quite funny in parts. It is helping me a lot.

It sounds more positive than a week ago. Good luck.

I come here mainly to offload.......it helps when people just appreciate my struggle and offer me support

That is good keepingquiet. Just keep posting when you need to

I hope that you can get some reassurance from the SW even with the limited comments she can make

Smileless2012

I'm sorry that your son has reacted in this way keepingquiet but it does appear to be in keeping with how he responds to anything he doesn't agree with and if things don't go his way.

Contacting Social Services was a difficult and brave decision and I'm pleased that you're overall feeling is one of calm. You are and have always been concerned about your GC and have done what you felt necessary to ensure their welfare.

I hope that further contact with the SW will give you further reassurance, even though s/he will be restricted in terms of what they can tell you.

Your son is in denial and rather than face up to his responsibilities and failures, he's lying to put all the blame and responsibility onto you.

You know this of course but it maybe good for you to know that others see this too.

Thankyou for saying all this. There is so much more to my story and I won't post on the original thread because I come here mainly to offload. I'm aware I am giving away sensitive info.
My conscience is clear and if it had been a trivial call to SSs they would not have got involved.
I have very healthy relationships with a close and loving family, hold down a stressful but rewarding job and enjoy my life. But, I do live alone and the pressure on me has been immense. I offload to friends but they also have busy lives and so Gransnet has filled that gap for me.
I don't know how the next few weeks will pan out but I take things a day at a time.
I don't need to justify my actions to anyone but it helps when people just appreciate my struggle and offer me support. You need to have been in this position to know how much the kindness of strangers counts.

Keepingquiet : I have just come across this thread and I will go back and try to find your original posting in a bit.
I am sorry that your son has reacted to you with the nasty e-mail concerning the SW but that is the response that generally happens when the S.S. become involved and then interview the parents.
I myself because of the way my daughter was bringing up the children eventually had to tell SS some painful truth about what I knew was going on. It had to be done for the sake of the children. Her reaction like your sons was not pleasant.

The SW has been involved with my Daughter for some time now and although she has spoken to me I make every effort I
can to take steps back and not phone/contact the SS as in general you will not get any thanks for it.
Another family member also supports her although they have told me that things were bad but still I stepped back and kept out of things.
Last week I did go to her family home and as I would describe myself as not a stupid woman I certainly knew that
there was things that needed to be told to S.W. I phoned the other family member and explained things and told them I was not calling the SS myself as the fallout from it all can make you ill. The other family member said she would think it over although she has since told me she has also not called SS.

I have felt worried sick most of last week but just done my everyday things and done my best to look after myself although all I wanted to do was pick up the phone to SS or even the school I resisted and maybe it is the only way forward and to let things be. Parenting is just so different these days and TBH I just have not got the energy for arguing/fighting /phone calls and all of it because as far as I
am concerned there is no winner in it all.
Good Luck with it though.

Keepingquiet
When did you call the SS? After your last thread in march?

I'm sorry that your son has reacted in this way keepingquiet but it does appear to be in keeping with how he responds to anything he doesn't agree with and if things don't go his way.

Contacting Social Services was a difficult and brave decision and I'm pleased that you're overall feeling is one of calm. You are and have always been concerned about your GC and have done what you felt necessary to ensure their welfare.

I hope that further contact with the SW will give you further reassurance, even though s/he will be restricted in terms of what they can tell you.

Your son is in denial and rather than face up to his responsibilities and failures, he's lying to put all the blame and responsibility onto you.

You know this of course but it maybe good for you to know that others see this too.

Sorry Keepingquiet by having fun I meant think about yourself and try and take your mind of it all by doing something for you I didn’t mean to patronise you it was a diversions tactic.
And the reason I said don’t keep phoning was because at the end of your post you wrote this
I may give the SW a ring though- just for an up-date regarding my GD.

I don't know any back story but receiving upsetting emails is upsetting! My husband always says read them but ignore them for a few days (weeks if you want) before responding as it means you reply in a less emotional, more rational manner.

Good advice from Madgran. I have just stumbled on this thread and have no way of knowing what on earth you're talking about. From a newcomer's perspective it sounds as though your son has just wanted to say "back off Mum it's not your business" and you have taken offence.
Please point us to your original post so we can try to help.

keepingquiet I am glad you are feeling calm and that you have found support here. Can I suggest you stick to your original thread where you detailed the story to give updates, as then posters will have better context to provide any further support for you. If you do a search for the title of your first thread in the estrangement forum, you will find it. It would be a shame for you to lose helpful support because you feel you must stop posting. I think this is happening because people on this thread may not have the full story unless they saw your previous threads and remember the detail

I’m not sure of your history either, although I do remember you saying your DIL confided in you about being worried about your son. Is that right? Sorry if I’ve got it wrong.

It’s never good to interfere, however well intentioned, unless you have serious concerns about a child’s welfare.

You say you feel “ strangely calm about all this”. Go with that feeling, for your sake and theirs. Hopefully your son is just having a moment, but I really would butt out.

Do you have a husband? other children? Friends? Put your energy into them. They may be feeling neglected.

BlueBelle I'm not always ringing people up, in fact I have stepped right away.
I don't know how my granddaughter is for sure. I trust SWs are doing what is best.
I stated I am not revved up but in fact very calm. I am no longer in the crossfire at all.
Maybe I should stop posting on here. I have received some good support though, and it has been a useful sounding board and maybe stops me making all those phone calls you're on about.
Telling me to 'have fun' in this situation is very patronising and very insulting.
Cafe-I don't mind anyone being angry with me- I just care about the child caught up in this conflict between her parents.
SW has spoken tome before and has said they welcome involvement from wider family. I am not allowed to know everything and don't expect to be told.

Stop ringing people up keepingquiet and do what your name says you are meddling and it’s doing you no good
You told us previously your grandchild had reached all her milestones and was fit and well but lived in chaos you re son has revved you up and now you are caught in the crossfire
Look after you, bring some fun into your life, and enjoy yourself

Social worker may not be able to give you an update due to confidentiality.

I'm sorry you're going through this. I have to say that, as a parent, if anyone sent a social worker (child protection?) to me I wouldn't want anything to do with them either. Of course, if you reported and know it was the right thing to do, you need to hold fast to that truth. Sometimes doing the right thing is hard.

vamirequeen- for years he has never taken responsibility for anything and for months has been bad-mouthing his partner (who, believe me is no innocent in this either) and now it is my turn. I'm used to it and so almost inevitably me and the SW have become his targets.
Yes, I will take him at his word and because his partner has also been abusive to me I have not been in touch with her either.
I may give the SW a ring though- just for an up-date regarding my GD.

You have posted many times about this situation and you are clearly distressed by it all. I feel for your own sake you need to take a great big step back from the drama and stop engaging with it. Yes, I know he's your son but based on the posts you have made, he sounds as toxic as his ex wife. Send his emails to a folder you open once a month or block him. None of this is doing you any good.

You have talked quite openly on other threads about this and I think a number of people told you to let things lie a bit as there didn’t actually seem any harm coming to the baby except she was not being taking out and lived in a fairly disorientated household ( I may have got this all wrong so apologies if I have )
Unfortunately as with another thread on here about grandchildren missing out on schooling unless we are sure a child / baby is being harmed it’s always best to let the husband and wife sort their own stuff out It never ever bodes well to interfere however well meaning, unless asked if course

Sorry not to know the history of this but ...
This is very sad & clearly frustrating. Painful and worrying too but yes as you say, at least you know where you stand.
It's going to be hard but why not take him at his word & let him & child's mother get on with it. It's a learning curve for all of you. Deep breath and step back.

I don't know the ins and outs of this but if you told some painful truths to protect your grandchild then you did the right thing. He's simply trying to pass the blame onto you because he doesn't want to think it's his fault.