SUPPORT for all living with estrangement

Thank you Whiff. He is a lovely boy, not a bad bone in his body and he just loves everyone and wants everyone to be happy.

3nanny6

Worriedwell ; I was not quite sure which GS was going home so thank-you for clearing that up. It is sad that the 13 year old
does not want to return home although it sounds like he is determined to do it.
I remember that you said one of the GS's had been involved with physical fights with the step-father so that is the 17 year old and I thought he was going home and I was going to say he probably wants to make sure the next child does not become the next target for the step father.
At least they have you and I am sure you will be there for them should any fights become too much for them.
Family life certainly has its problems.

I thought I'd got a bit confusing but you have it spot on. The 13 year old knows he can come here, his father would back that if the mother objects. I can see it is hard for her but on top of her problems the children look at it as she has chosen the step father over her son.

Too many problems, it is sad.

3nanny6 I don't expect my grandson's to come and looking for me. But they will question their parents actions and it's up to them to decide if they have been told the true. I have a long time to wait as the oldest will be 5 next month ,his brothers are 3 and 1.

My daughter has said she expects me to live 20 years to see my grandson's with her and my son in law grow up. I will do my best to stay alive.

My son lives 40 mins away from me in a different part of cities suburbs . In an area I never go to . My daughter lives 10 mins away from me.

I am a realist and know I will never see my son or grandsons again. But I still miss them. But the son I miss is the son I knew not the one who wrote that email and letter. That son I do not know.

Worriedwell I hope your grandson stays safe moving back in with his mother . But at least he knows he has you to go back to if he wants. He is a very mature 13 year old and you are rightly proud of him. And I am sorry it is breaking your heart to see him go. But you know you love eachother.
And he knows you are there for him.

Worriedwell ; I was not quite sure which GS was going home so thank-you for clearing that up. It is sad that the 13 year old
does not want to return home although it sounds like he is determined to do it.
I remember that you said one of the GS's had been involved with physical fights with the step-father so that is the 17 year old and I thought he was going home and I was going to say he probably wants to make sure the next child does not become the next target for the step father.
At least they have you and I am sure you will be there for them should any fights become too much for them.
Family life certainly has its problems.

I don't think I was clear in my post, it is the younger one, 13, who is saying he will go home so the 17 year old can stay with me and their mum will be less upset if he goes back. It is so sad that a 13 year old thinks his own happiness isn't important.

The older one is adamant he isn't going back which I think is safer as he and step father have had physical fights and I think it is only a matter of time before someone gets badly hurt if he does go back. I worry that once the "bad" child is gone the next one in line will become the "problem" as far as they are concerned.

I'm probably not making sense. The mother is coming for the younger 2 later, eldest won't see her. I think seeing the 13 year old going is going to be very painful.

Whiff I hope you are feeling better as I have read your posts and know you have had quite a lot going on healthwise and many hospital appointments so take care of yourself.
I know your estrangement was forced on you and that is difficult to take particularly as you had moved so you could be closer to your son and GC what a terrible way to treat you.
I know you have mentioned several times that your grandson's will get older and will begin to ask your son questions I know you care a lot about them but just be sure that your expectations about your GS's perhaps coming to look for you when they are older is something that may not happen. I too consider the idea that my GC (three of them) will look for me when they reach a certain age but I have no expectation that they will because I already know that my daughter has spoken to the two girls and told them I am not a nice person and even told them I no longer want to see them my daughter told me this herself and I told her she needs a psychiatrist because she is either living on another planet or just plain spiteful, so I will have no illusion that my GC will want to find their missing GP. We don't know what poison is fed to our GC when we have no contact.

Theworriedwell I have also read your posts and seen that one of your GS has been staying with you because of the arguments he has with his mother just be happy that he can at least come to you and know he has a place where he can get out of the firing line with his mother if need be. You must often feel like you are playing piggy in the middle between him and his mum which is what I had to do with my eldest GD aged 9 as her mum when almost always stressed would look for reasons to cause stressful arguments to the child and the child would argue back and I would have to tell my daughter leave her alone and it was better for me to get the mothers stress than the child. The thoughts of just taking
my GD to live with me and never return her often went through my mind but I could not just take her to my house and keep her.

I wonder if your GS followed through on his decision to return home to his mums. He sounds a great boy and he probably wants to try and do the right thing to stop the arguments. As GPs we also have to remember that the children when living at home do have strong sibling bonds
and are trying to make sense out of the family relationships
they are dealing with so just be there for him as he will probably return if the arguments get stressful again.

Strange though because my son who is my youngest and my daughter with my GC are only 16 months in age difference and they were so close growing up and now they have not spoken to each other in over 18 months and as far as I know both have little time at all to even want to try to sort out their differences such a loss for everyone.
Take care everybody.

Your GS sounds like a lovely young man theworriedwell you must be very proud of him.

Thanks everyone for your kind messages yesterday. We enjoyed a lovely romantic meal complete with bubbles. Roll on the next 41 years!!!!

3nanny6

Lovely trophies that Mr. S . won yesterday you both must be proud of the achievement.
Congratulations on your 41st wedding anniversary and the pot of orchids sound lovely.
Tonight have a brilliant celebration of your life together as you deserve it enjoy your meal and some lovely bubbly as you say
Life is good as it should be.

I only found out about eldest daughter moving in with her sister last week as my sons partner told me. We don't make a point of discussing my sons sisters but we had a chat and she told me.
I know very little about anything going on with them and only know that daughter with the GC has had intense scrutiny from S.S about her conduct and the safety of the children and my eldest daughter moving in is attempts to show stability, care, and safety for the children.
I would offer them any help I could but with my eldest choosing to go no contact with me and my past dysfunctional relationship with my other daughter for the very first time I have stepped right back and decided to keep quiet, stay away and keep out of things and leave them to it.
All other extended family have told me let them get on with it, other family have told me I was a brilliant mother to all my children and for my daughters to treat me in such a way is cruel and horrible way and worst of all to stop all contact with my GC is the most spiteful thing anyone can do to a grandparent.

Smileless I just say it is what it is and life still has to keep moving on, my life is not perfect but I will fight each day to still keep living.

I think stepping back is a good step. I am watching it play out with exDIL and GS. Every time there is contact there is a row and it ends up with him upset and I'm sure she feels the same. I finally told her yesterday that she needs to step back and stop pressuring him. I don't think he's going back but I think she could rebuild a relationship with him but the constant recriminations between them is just poisonous.

The thing that is killing me is one of the younger children is due to go home today for school going back. They have all been here with big brother but said they would go back today. Well last night he told me he doesn't want to go but he feels he has to as it will make his mum happier, make things easier for siblings (at home and here) and it is worth doing even though it isn't what he wants. I've told him it isn't his job to sacrifice himself for everyone else but he is determined to do it. I could cry just writing this.

I think once we become parents we lose who we are. We become so focus on raising our children. They become the centre of our world. We raise them to have good values and equip them for adulthood and to make their way in the world and be independent.

It wasn't until I move I realised I lost me. I was wife then widow ,mother , daughter ,daughter in law and carer. Then became mother in law and grandmother.

I put everyone's needs ahead of mine. Even after my husband died. The children left home made lives of their own which as it should be. But still had people dependent on me.

After mom died no one was dependent on me anymore. Then I got jaundice . It was awful . But it was good in a way finally I had to stop . Couldn't do anything else but rest I was so ill. I had time to think and look back on my life. And decided what I wanted out of life.

It was strange I have never been I want person even as a child. But decided I wanted 3 things. Move house,lose weight and get fit.

Finally had definite goals . Something for me. And only me could achieve those things on my own. Moved house 2 years ago bungalow completed as I want it now. Started to lose the weight April 2017 lost 7 stone and half to go. Go to exercise class on. Wednesday afternoon. Started classes before I moved. And found I like exercise.

When my son rejected me it made me question me. And realised I wasn't the problem . It was him and his wife. Because if I was all the things they said about me why haven't I lost my daughter and family plus all the rest of my family and friends. And why is it I have made new friends since moving.

I know who I am. I am a good person, mom, mother in law, grandmother ,sister and all my other titles to other people.

Estrangement was forced on me. I had no warning . But I will not let it rule my life. Zero contact is what my son wants and that's what he has got. Hope it's making him happy. But he and my daughter in law forget my grandson's will get older and begin asking questions. Then see how they cope if they do to them what they have done to me.

I know I most likely had repeated some of the things I have said before.
But 3nanny6 and DerbyshireLass 's posts made me think.

Happy Anniversary Smileless ????

Happy anniversary Mr and Mrs Smiles. xxxxx ? ?

Happy anniversary Smileless

Happy anniversary Smiles and Mr S. Double celebration yesterday's wins and 41years of wedded bliss. Plenty of wine and dancing I hope. ❤️❤️❤️❤️

Congratulations Mr and Mrs S. ?...and on the trophies too... Well done Mr S !!!

Congratulation Mr S and happy anniversary to you both have a lovely day.

Hope all others are bearing up.

Sorry typo. Should read is not going to make a difference.

well done Mr S.

And happy anniversary to you both, Smileless. Hope you have a lovely day.

Still nothing from DS &DIL. 4 weeks and counting. Just keeping busy. Trying not to ruminate. ?.

Worrying about the outcome is going to make a scrap of difference so just trying to focus on me for now,

Lovely trophies that Mr. S . won yesterday you both must be proud of the achievement.
Congratulations on your 41st wedding anniversary and the pot of orchids sound lovely.
Tonight have a brilliant celebration of your life together as you deserve it enjoy your meal and some lovely bubbly as you say
Life is good as it should be.

I only found out about eldest daughter moving in with her sister last week as my sons partner told me. We don't make a point of discussing my sons sisters but we had a chat and she told me.
I know very little about anything going on with them and only know that daughter with the GC has had intense scrutiny from S.S about her conduct and the safety of the children and my eldest daughter moving in is attempts to show stability, care, and safety for the children.
I would offer them any help I could but with my eldest choosing to go no contact with me and my past dysfunctional relationship with my other daughter for the very first time I have stepped right back and decided to keep quiet, stay away and keep out of things and leave them to it.
All other extended family have told me let them get on with it, other family have told me I was a brilliant mother to all my children and for my daughters to treat me in such a way is cruel and horrible way and worst of all to stop all contact with my GC is the most spiteful thing anyone can do to a grandparent.

Smileless I just say it is what it is and life still has to keep moving on, my life is not perfect but I will fight each day to still keep living.

I've passed on all of your congratulations to Mr. S. who says a BIG 'thank you'.

It's our 41st wedding anniversary today. I can hardly believe it's been that long. I've just taken delivery of a beautiful pot containing 7 orchids!! and tonight we're going out for an Italian.

Life is good. How could it be anything else when I have Mr. S. to share it with.

Bravo Mr S!

???*Mr S*

Bravo Mr S! ?

Well done Mr. S ?

Wow lovely trophies. Amazing Mr S.

I’m so proud