SUPPORT for all living with estrangement

hugshelp that is hard with your DD. I can see she wants to "keep out of it" but that must be hard for you when you know that she is being fed lies.

It is hard to work out the motivation for various behaviours isn't it, whether fully estranged, low contact or fearing it.

I think we feel wounded and anything can then feel like an attack i hope you can keep on muddling through.

In my case we were all estranged. My youngest dd had a breakdown and had to be homeschooled because of it.
Husbands don't seem to be cut as deep or they keep quiet. I think we feel so deeply hurt it is hard not to obsess over it every day. Time helps.

Thanks whiff and whatdayisit I'm ok now. It was just an unpleasant surprise.

We're not really sure what the situation is re DH - he contacts ES once in a blue moon - the last time being to let him know his Godfather died, and got a brief reply. But he tells DD that WE contact him when he doesn't want us to. I don't contact him at all so I can only assume that refers to DH but he's never made that position clear.

We do try to avoid discussing Es, but friend brought him up after he contacted her, and we are trying to sort various things out with Dd which involve Es. eg our will, some possessions that were jointly owned by Es and Dd. Anyway, I'll just stick to the practicalities and try to ignore anything else that is mentioned.

Sorry you are feeling a bit battered Hugshelp. I found the best way to handle game playing was not to join in. The players carry on playing but you don't hear.
I would feel that your friend and dd are being a bit disloyal toward you and it is hurtful. I had that with a friend who said she must be some sort of mother earth cos my kids want to visit her. I think things like that are rooted in jealousies.

With your daughter it is harder because she should know the truth.
It may be something so petty from his child hood that your ds is holding it could be seemingly trivial.
Is your husband estranged as well or is it just you that your son has turned on.
It is very sad when you know that everything you did was what you thought was for the best. There was even jealousies of my new gs with my son and i think they are still there.
Don't underestimate how jealosy makes people behave.
Have you any grandchildren that you see.
I would try not to bite when people make comments. In future maybe say to your daughter you don't want to talk about ds if she brings him up.
Not telling you what to do just understand what it feels like you are not alone on this grief-stricken path.
All behaviours are different but many patterns are similar. Try to make time to look after your self.

Hugshelp sorry you are having a rough time. Of all the lies my son told me in his email and letter the worst was' I love you mom. ' That has hurt me the most. As you don't treat your mom like this if you love them.

My daughter in law trashed me on Reddit. She trolled me on another gransnet thread and I didn't know it was her as she wrote as a mom and said her grandson had read this and put the link. Foolishly I pressed it. Only read 2 sentences and past the phone to my daughter. She won't tell me what she wrote but I do know as a friend read it and told me . Of course people believe her that I am the devil.

At least having zero contact his choice means I don't have to put with any abuse which I am grateful for. I miss him and my grandson's still love them. But I will never forgive him or trust him ever again.

Like I have said before finding this thread and with Smiles and everyone's help I am coping.

Hope you have a better day tomorrow. ?

Feeling gutted today. Starting to come to terms with the fact that ES is not in our lives and won't tell us why. A close friend, that we were planning to get together with, tells us that ES has been in touch, they've had lots of chats, she's really close, but 'every story has 2 sides'. So it seems he's happy to give some version to others but not tell us anything.

DD reports ES is sick of me contacting him, and he supposedly emailed me telling me what he's annoyed about. All totally false. I've made no contact in years and heard nothing from him. Dd's response - 'oh well, I don't know, I'm keeping out of it.'

I know smiles and others have mentioned the lies but I didn't see this coming. I feel totally undermined. It's not enough that he's removed himself from my life he seems hellbent on making my name mud.

Meanwhile, with regards to the friend he is supposedly now close to, he's telling DD this friend gets on his nerves and he wishes she'd leave him alone. While the friend tells DH that he's arranging to visit her.

What's with all the nasty games?

Hope all's well whiff

Thank you all for your good wishes. Not worried about the results. Found out last year at ripe old age of 62 I was born with a heart defect. It's not a hole but something else. But due to Covid tests got postponed but it will be investigated future sometime. The tape is the first . Others will follow . I had to laugh when I found out via echo and bubble echo as in my lifetime I have had 5 generals for ops. Last op took over 4 hours. Still alive and kicking ?

Hope todays test results are positive whiff. Best wishes.

Hoping all goes well for you today Whiffx

Good luck Whiff with your heart tape i hope it isn't a problem.

Good idea to be prepared Whiff. Hope it goes well.

Madgran77 thank you . Things just pop into my head and I always like to try and find answers to things. I think about some weird things . If I see words or phrases I don't know the meaning to I have to research and find out .

Tomorrow I am having a 24 hr heart tape fitted so I had to find out all about it and things that it can show up. I do it with all the tests I have to have. I always like to be prepared.

Nicegranny just write what you want when you want. There's no taking turns. As you probably seen I pop on regularly . What's on your mind?

You will feel better sharing I always do. ?

I was thinking is it just heterosexual children that estranged themselves from their parents

I am not sure that is the case Whiff. To me every case is different and I know of 2 families where homosexual Adult children have estranged themselves, apparently unconnected to their sexuality, as in both cases the parents had no problem with their child being gay.

Some parents do turn their back on gay children, I would hope that it happens a great deal less these days. Having said that my gay daughter has two friends who have very very strained relationships with their parents because the parents are so uncomfortable with having a gay child. Very sad!

Nicegranny you don't need to wait get asking.

Thank you whiff for your response. I’m going to wait and take a turn. But lm pretty desperate as l saw my situation coming.

I know parents turn their backs on their children when they love same sex partners it's happened to 2 of my brother's friends one male on female. Their parents told people they had died . Even though they lived in the same town. So people knew they where lying.

Whiff i cannot give an insight to that except i think more LGBT people have experienced family estrangement from the hands of their families/parents.
One of the best written parts of the It's A Sin series showed these different parental relationships.
Maybe the more accepting families are the less likely children are to break the bond.

I don’t think there is any shame in estrangement and also agree with others that we should not force ourselves on others if they don’t want us, that is not in the best interest of the children unless of course you thought the children were being abused which is not the case here. My mother in law didn’t get on with my sister in law and hardly ever saw my nephews but she saw a lot of neighbours’ children and got close to them instead. Blood is not necessarily thicker than water.

We never get over things that hurt us. We just cope the best we can. My heart broke when my husband died. And still is. What my son has done bent it but that is bending back. Not up straight yet but one day will, may lean occasionally . But I will cope. As I have said before finding this thread and with Smiles and all of your help. I am coping.

I was thinking is it just heterosexual children that estranged themselves from their parents. Why I ask is one of my cousin's is gay and he always had a close relationship with his parents until their death. And another cousin has a daughter who is bi. They have always had a close relationship with her and her partner's.

Our broken hearts continue to beat and we wonder how, and there were times when I wished mine would stop.

As our wounds begin to heal they become our scars and even when they begin to fade, they never disappear. Don't try and hide them Sparkling and don't be ashamed that they are there.

Our estrangements like every aspect of our lives, are part of who we are. They have brought us together on this thread to share our experiences, our pain and our suffering. To enable us to understand and support one another and most importantly, to show us that we are not alone.

'Every cloud has a silver lining' and for me this thread, the people I have met and the friends I have made, is the silver lining in my estrangement cloud.

for you all x

Thank you everyone.I should be used to it by now and most of the time I am fine. My heart was broken, I’ve papered over the cracks but they are still there, she’s part of me, doesn’t mean I justify her behaviour, it’s been cruel, I can’t see how you could treat anyone the way I have been.It is what it is and I can’t change anything, she just left all her past behind, I have to respect that. I’m sorry others are in the same position, at least we are not alone as I once thought I was.

My thoughts are with you Sparkling. It isn't nice at all how you are being treate. It wears you out and it is very hurtful. And it is meant to hurt.
On top of everyday life we have had this bloody pandemic and all the restrictions.
Battling on every day is harder than giving up. I always found the radio better company than the tv.
I don't know your circumstances so i won't patronise you with self help mantras. Just know you are not alone in how you feel.
I hope there can be some things to look forward to on the horizon.

Sparkling I get that low feeling and I've got family who visit. Its a deep sadness isn't it at the very core of your being not a good feeling to be carrying around all day every day. It can be tiring. It was for me.

Im trying to turn that around now and look at the positives in my life and do something I enjoy for a little time in my day. I love music so Im using that and getting out into the fresh air - gardening, walking - as much as possible during the day. Weather permitting of course.

Ive just started doing this after reading the comments and advice on this thread so fingers crossed I can continue and don't spiral down to the awful place I've been in these past few years.

Maybe the timing was just right for me and I was able to flick the switch but I'm praying I can keep it going.

I do hope you find that something to help you feel interested again, perhaps your activities will be starting up soon or something new perhaps will take your interest.
I do hope so.