SUPPORT for all living with estrangement

I don't talk a lot about my estrangement. I think people do judge and wonder what on earth we must have done wrong to drive MIL to estrange us. I was thinking about it this morning. All I'll say about it is that I am completely at peace about the whole situation from my side of things and that's what matters.

Smiles I went to sleep last night thinking about your interview. It made me remember things I didn't think anything strange at the time but now wonder.

I was attacked twice as a child by dogs. First time I was under 5 and got pinned to a railing by a dog my mom drove it off. The second time I was at junior school and was playing in the field the back of the school with friends when 2 Alsatians charged us . My friends ran faster than me and they knocked me to the ground and won't let me up. My friends got adults who chased them off. Luckily both occasions I wasn't bitten but gave me a life long fear of dogs. Unfortunately past it on to my children especially my daughter.

My son had friends with dogs son so got over his fear. About 18 months or may be more before they had my first grandson they brought a dog and about 6 months later another. When I visited they put the dogs in the kitchen.

They were a dog and bitch I asked when they would be getting them neutered. The excuse was we keep them apart. I well remember he phoned and said we have news and I said you have puppies. He said yes. The dogs are Jack Russell . They were delivered by c section 3 puppies and she was sterilised during the operation. So now they had 5 dogs. Once the puppies came of age they sold one to my brother and another to someone else. But kept the one as they said he was a bit slow. And didn't want him to go to an owner who would get annoyed if he didn't do want they wanted. The dogs are well trained and well looked after.

But I wonder if they had them because they knew I was frighten . The thought is very unsetting.

You said in your interview about when you first held your grandson and your daughter in law's reaction.

I saw my grandson about a week after he was born. By then they had dog crates where the dogs sleep and a barrier across the room for when they where at work so the dogs had room to play and sleep.

Because of my fear when I visited my son put the dogs in their crates. Holding my grandson was a joy I will never forget but it felt bitter sweet because I was thinking about my husband . I didn't say that . But I remember my daughter in law looked tired and apart from answering my questions didn't speak. Put it down to being a new mom. Can't remember how long it was after my son told me it was because the dogs where in the crates and it upset her.

So I knew I had to get over my fear of dogs. I hated the thought I had upset her. So when I visited at Christmas as we where going to their house I told my son I wanted to get over my fear. So while there the dogs were on their leads and when I had interacted with them said to pass me a lead . Had the oldest first and then swapped to the others one at a time . Then said them one at a time off the leads.

It was very hard but I did it. My son said dad wouldn't believe it. I had one on my foot and one seating each side of me.

I did that because I loved them and hated the thought I had upset my daughter in law. I am glad I did it as I don't have any fear of any dogs no matter how big they are.

I did it because I loved them so much. And for them to do what they have hurts all the more. Especially as I think back all the things I have done over the years to help them . Yes they have helped me in turn which I was always grateful for. But what my son write on his email and letter and what my daughter in law wrote on Reddit hurts all the more.

At least writing it down means I don't have to think of it again. So I can dry my eyes and file it away.

Just watched the clip smileless it was very brave of you to take that step and I agree with Calmlocket Publish your journal.

@ Smileless, just watched the interview you are one brave lady, kudos to you. ? You said you were writing a journal, I think you should get it published.

To think that you watched it when it was originally broadcast Allsorts when you and I were both posting here on GN, I had no idea you'd seen it and you had no idea I was Gloria!!

If it hadn't been for a thread on the TV forum I'd never have thought about mentioning it and TBH hadn't thought about it for a long time, and it had never occurred to me to try and find it. It was really great for me and Mr. S. to be able to see it again too, so many thanks CafeAuLait.

Mr. S. was on the set but stood behind me, I think I would have found it hard not to cry if I'd been able to see his face DerbyshireLass.

My "lovely voice", thanks Whiff. When Mr. S. saw me in the wig, he nearly fell off the chair laughing, it was awful really awful.

I'm so pleased I've been able to share this with you all, it's only taken me just over 4 years.

DerbyshireLass sorry you are feeling worse. I hope it isn't that super cold as people are suffering from that for week's.

Oh Smiles just watched it in tears. Just wish my son and daughter in law could see it.

As we know there is someone on this thread who shouldn't be here . Who shouldn't be on Gransnet. Trouble is if I name her she will going bleating to Gransnet she is being bullied and my messages will be deleted. She knows who she is.

For all my in laws where awful they saw our children every week. Even after my father in law died we never abandoned my husband's mother she still saw the children. Even after their dad died they was still in contact with her. I still looked after her and I hated her.

What you said on the video was how I was with my daughter in law. I was so happy when my son met her I got my happy boy back. And I was so grateful for that and grew to love her.

I never saw what was coming. But thinking back I would still be that person still grew to love her . Still do all the things I have.

Like you how my son let me know he didn't want me was cowardly and cruel. I will never forgive either of them or trust my son ever again . But I don't hate them don't need or want hate in my life. Had enough of that with my in laws.

Right better lighten the mood. Didn't get to see what colour that wig was but did get to hear your lovely voice.

❤️

Smileless, I have jut he’d watched the interview with Ruth and Eamon, I watched it the first time round, I was on the site then, it did bring tears to my eyes, the unfairness and cruelty of your s and dil. I had been years too, but unlike you taking that brave step, to move away from them and accept, I kept hanging on. I thought like Derbyshire I could manage , of course I couldn’t she held all the cards, the main one she didn’t care whereas I did., Goodness knows the reason she has given to people. No one wants advice, we make excuses and put up with a lot. But it really isn’t worth playing games and hoping things were different, if they wanted us in their lives they wouldn’t do it.
I am so glad Smileless and her husband are enjoying life, they deserve it after being treated like they were, there’s no excuses for it. We don’t choose to estrange, I didn’t,they estrange us.

<<scuttles off to have a look on YouTube>>>>>>>>>

You're right, Smiles. This thread was the breakthrough I needed. It's been a Godsend.

Smiles....thanks for posting the link. I've just watched the clip, had me in tears. So moving, I don't know how you managed it without breaking down. Well done you for being so brave.

PS sorry you're not feeling well DerbyshireLass take it easy and enjoy netflix.

I've had a lovely surprise this morning, thanks to CafeauLait.

She sent me a pm telling me she'd found my interview on you tube I went straight on and being the technophobe I am drew a blank, so I got Mr. S. on the case, and there it was!!!

If you'd like to see it, go on to you tube and type in "I've been cut out of my grandchildren's lives" This Morning.

It comes up with a picture of Ruth and lasts for 5 minutes 8 seconds.

The pain we go through and the fear of being judged do, as you say CafeauLait make it very difficult to talk about but when you do, it's surprising how many people know someone whose going through exactly the same thing.

For me, being given the opportunity to appear on national TV and talk about this was not something I could let go by. I saw it as a wonderful opportunity not just for myself, but for the friends I'd made here on GN and another forum I was on at the time.

The experience was uplifting and empowering.

We come across triangulation many times in our lives I think, but it's only when we see it coming or trying to come between us and someone we love, that we see it's insidious nature.

I agree Whiff, estrangement is like a cancer and I don't think you're odd at all, it would be very interesting to know the % of families that have been torn apart by estrangement.

Almost 9 years for us now and I've learned so much, much of it I wish I'd known when it all started. To see how far you have come DerbyshireLass is a testament to what this one thread, and all of you who are brave enough to share has, and can achieve.

I've just looked out of our kitchen window and there's the most beautiful rainbow.

I feel a campaign coming on.......definitely a need to get the subject out in the open. It seems to be an epidemic. A job for Esther Rantzen. ?

I will say though that the more I am learning the easier it gets for me to cope and the more relaxed I feel, which is a good thing because those anxiety attacks I experienced at first were just awful.

So I continue to learn as much as I can, so that I can take pre emptive action, or failing that, avoid getting embroiled in the dramas she creates. There seems to be very few weeks go by without some "crisis" or other. Now, if I notice an "edge" appearing in her texts, I simply don't engage.

One of my DILs tricks is she tries Triangulation. She tries to stir up trouble between my youngest son and either myself or my youngest son and his brother (my eldest son, her husband). Actually, you have to laugh because she's not very good at it. My youngest son literally just shrugs his shoulders and laughs it off and of course now that I've cottoned on to her silly mind games I can now do the same.

She tried something recently. Knowing what I know now about how she operates, I quickly realised what she was up and sidestepped the trap she tried to set. My younger son and I have just had a good chuckle about it.

I will say this, since implementing my red velvet rope policy my life is a lot more peaceful. I no longer get anxious, worried or rattled by her. I just smile quietly to myself and let her do her worst. I am just quietly getting on with making the changes I want to make, working my way towards a better life and future.

Give her enough rope...........?

My lurgy is coming along nicely. My decision to postpone the covid jab was definitely the right one. Just taking it easy this weekend,

I don't know if people my age talk about it more or use social media more but support groups for AC are huge compared to support groups for parents. That might be because about half of them aren't actually estranged, just seeking support.

My friendships circles, we are just starting on the journey to having grandchildren, one friend my age has 5 but most old enough to be grandparents even if some started their parenting journey later than others and don't have AC yet (I am in both groups there with children and AC).

Out of my friends I have 2 estranged from their mothers and a further 3 estranged from other family members, they have very good reasons to be. I know a further 5 who have difficult relationships with their parents and are visibly suffering due to it. I know 2 people who are estranged from their children but I do not know more about their situations than that fact.

I am only including people I know outside social media here. Friends I have met and engaged with online would change those numbers too drastically because of the circles I am involved in.

We do need to be talking about it and why it is happening and people my age seem to be doing so a lot more.

CafeAuLait you are right. How many people are hurting but can't or won't talk about . Thankfully we can here. And have the help , support, understanding and friendship it provides.

Whiff, I suspect estrangement, or individuals within families being very low contact with each other, is very common. I suspect people don't talk about it much as it's painful and we fear being judged.

Why is it Estrangement seems to be a taboo subject? I never heard the word until I found this forum and this thread.

I had heard people where I used to live say they didn't see their children but that's as much as they said. And yet it seems to be quiet common.

Estrangement seems to like cancer no one said the word just someone had the big C or said cancer in a whisper. Now people can say it out loud as it's talked about everywhere.

Estrangement is so wide spread . There are 40 bungalows in my road. There are 2 of us estranged from our sons. Makes me wonder if there are others estranged families in the road.

I know I am odd but Smiles bravery has made me think . What is the percentage of families that are estranged ?

That was brave and I wish more of us had the nerve to Speak out about our experiences.. Flood the media with our stories.
Well done smileless

I doubt it CafeAuLait it was in August 2017. Our girls next door recorded it so we could watch it when we got back.

I looked quite a picture Madgran.

Smileless2012

There's a thread on the TV forum, 'Have you ever been on TV' well I have and just posted about it. I think you'll all find it quite interesting so do take a look.

Glad you won the wrestling Whiff.

That's very brave of you. Is there a link to the clip?

It was horrible, blonde and was so bad Mr. S. nearly fell off the chair laughing

This conjures up quite a picture Smileless

I've no idea Madgran and wouldn't know where to start trying to find it.

It was horrible, blonde and was so bad Mr. S. nearly fell off the chair laughing.

I hope so Whiff as I think helping people is what we do on this thread.

Hey Smileless is your bewigged self still available to be watched on You tube or somewhere? And was the wig a full Zsa Zsa Gabor version for good measure?

I just read the article. Very interesting.

Smiles just read it. I now can say I know a hero. Your are so brave to have written about your estrangement ,but to appear on TV that's going above and beyond . You must have helped thousands of people by being open about what happened to you and Mr S. I am glad everyone was nice to you. And glad they kept your identity secret not just for your grandchildren but so you didn't get any backlash from you son and daughter in law.

It's amazing how many people are estranged from family members. One of my neighbours son has nothing to do with him. Luckily he has his daughter. He's 91. So doesn't hold out any hope he will see his son again before he dies.

One of my craft group was estranged from her mom for years but reconnected few years ago. But her sisters still don't want anything to do with her. I never ask questions people tell me things if they want to.

I was open about my son when the group started up again as they asked how my children were. I have nothing to be ashamed of . I didn't estrange him he did it to me.

Your bravery on this thread made it possible for me to be open about it. I will always be grateful for that and everyone else here. ???
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