Newly Estranged

What a dreadful situation you and your DH have found yourselves trust into, and even more tragic for the happy period when you thought your DS was turning his life around. It is inevitable that your DiL will defend and turn to her own Mother, despite what to you, and most of us, seems like a bad decision. I hope that venting on here, to strangers, will help you get through the next awful episode. One thing, is there some kind of help service for families of prisoners that you could turn to? Somewhere you could meet other parents and realise that like you, they are decent people who just cannot fathom why their children have done what they have done.

Brokennanny, I feel your pain. You are not responsible for the man your son now is. You raised him but somehow he took wrong road. Drugs kill and ruin lives and yet he chose that path, you can’t condone anything he has done. You can tell him that and also that you will always love him and pray he will turn his life around. He knows that, don’t be ashamed of what you are, be proud. You spoke to your dil everyday, she knows who you are and must have liked you, she has to address what has happened and decide what life she wants for her son, it’s up to her I am sure she realises your wAy is better than her own mothers. I would do anything to keep a little child away from toxic people even if she was my mother, the child comes first. Only she can make that decision unless she Social Services do it for her.

BrokenNannyit's good to know that you have been able to release just a little of the pain you're going through.

mumofmadboys is right; hate the sin, not the sinner. We are only responsible for the foundation we give our children, for the way we raise them not for the decisions and choices they make in adulthood.

It is understandable that you're having a hard time coming to terms with what has happened, especially as you believed your son had turned his life around.

Take each day as it comes, try not to look ahead and worry about what the future may bring and give serious thought to looking for some support outside of your immediate circle.

It's not your fault BrokenNanny. mumofmadboys put it very well when she said to separate the crime from the people. I don't think using drugs makes someone a bad person, just a person who made a bad choice. Yes, the things people do to support their habit could be classified as 'bad' at times, but the action is bad, not the person.

Drugs are terrible things and they do destroy people and families. I do think dealing is a terrible thing for that reason but those who buy are making their own decision and are responsible for that. I hope your friends who have lost children to drugs will be understanding.

This is one of those times when you do find out who your friends are. I don't think you need to rush to tell anyone until you are ready, if you decide to later, but do encourage you to find some sort of outside support. You don't have to walk this alone.

If you can you need to stand back a bit from this awful situation. It is not your fault at all. You could tell your DS and DIL that you love them and always will. Try and seperate the crime from the people. This too will pass. Things will improve. Your son came through his last period in prison. He will come through this , and hopefully learn his lesson. Concentrate on your relationship with your DH and supporting each other. Even though it is hard for you to be happy at the moment , try and enjoy happy moments eg a lovely walk, your favourite meal, time with friends, a beautiful view. Life will get better. Try and travel hopefully.x

Thank you so much for listening. I cannot tell people in our circle what has happened. It is so deplorable and I would be humiliated if people knew. It is a holiday weekend here and the kids would normally would be here… it is hard, very hard not having them, especially the baby. When friends have asked where they are, I have simply stated they had different plans. A very easy lie that sounds convincing.
Thank you for letting me “Release” a little of this pain. I do not know what tomorrow, next week, next month or next year will hold. Unfortunately I do not see myself reconnecting with my DIL. She believes that drugs do not make a person “bad”. She says he wasn’t taking them. I’m thankful he wasn’t taking them if that’s the truth but it’s WRONG to sell them. The last thing I told her was if they weren’t bad, they wouldn’t be illegal and that I would not be losing my only child to prison again. I dont care who it pisses off or who’s feelings I hurt. The Distribution of Drugs has torn our family apart and I hate them and want no part of them. They are evil. They kill. They destroy families. I don’t want any of it around me. I never have had it around me and I am not going to have it around me now.
I have two close friends who lost their children to heroin. How in the world can I look them in the eye? Drugs are all the same to me and it sickens me that they (my son and DIL have prospered from the sale of drugs and my friends buried two caskets due to drugs.
I am in the middle of a nightmare.

Oh dear what a tragedy and it doesn’t matter what he’s done he’s still your boy and you will feel so upset so unhappy and yes ashamed and frightened for him and so so cross
I really really feel for you and can totally understand the fear and anxiety you must be feeling If you can get some counselling it will help to unload some of the hurt ….coming on here will help a little
Your husband and you will hopefully support each other of course you can’t talk to others in your circle that’s why here is useful as no one knows you
At the moment it feels as if the bottom of your world has dropped out hopefully with a little time and when the shock dies down you may be able to rekindle the relationship with your daughter in law and help with your little grand baby again
I wouldnt go down the route of reporting anything unless of course you really thought your grandchild was in peril but there is nothing in your post to suggest that
I hope things turn out not as bad as they seem at this moment of awful shock

Sounds horrendous situation. I think US has different attitudes to guns but he really deserves what he gets re imprisonment! Your grandchild will be very young if they were born later than 2016. There is not much you can do but perhaps let social services (US equivalent) know of your concerns and that you are there in case your grandchild needs removed to a place of safety in the future. So sorry this has happened.

What a horrible situation for you all. I agree with Namsnanny, start by being kind to yourself and maybe try and find a counsellor.

If you need to vent, GN is a great place to let all of your inner thoughts out without adding any additional stress to anyone else involved in the situation.

Whilst you have been impacted by your sons life choices and are understandably devastated, he and his wife are the ones actually going through this and suffering the consequences.

Have you ever heard of ring theory? The idea is that the person/people going through a trauma/loss/grief are in the centre of a ring of concentric circles which represent the extended relationships in their life, through which support is funnelled into them. You may not be emotionally ready (neither may they) to offer that, but the visual representation is often helpful to understand that although you are in their extended family, they are the focus. I’d imagine they don’t have the emotional bandwidth to take on your feelings too right now.

You previously had a decent relationship with your DIL, give it some time and maybe once the rawness of all these feelings have had a chance to be dealt with, you may find that you could offer her some support moving forward as it sounds like she could use it.

So sorry to read this Broken Nanny worry about our children does cause such anxiety.

I have no words of wisdom but hope someone will be along soon to help you.
Take care of yourself.

Thank you so much. I do not have anyone I can talk to. We live in a small community and I have not told anyone. I just heard from my husband that my son has been hospitalized due to anxiety. My anxiety is through the roof.

I'm so sorry this has happened.

I've a little understanding of what you are going through, as a close family member was involved with growing marijuana (But not my child) and suffered the consequences.

I can clearly relate to the fear, anger and devastation you feel.

I do think you need to talk all this through with a counsellor.
For your sake and your sil and gs.
If as CafeAuLait suggests your DIL is feeling overwhelmed (and who knows, embarrassed?)
She cant cope with your feelings as well.
Yes she and your son should have your perspective at heart but they feel they have bigger fish to fry.

When you feel you have created a calm space in your mind ( with the help of counselling) you can offer your services and she may ne able to invite you back into her world.

Dont blame your self. You are going through a kind of bereavement. You have to face the loss of who you thought your son and dil were, and face up to who they actually are.
Clearly they have chosen different lives to the one you and your partner have.
Dont forget you have a choice to make, if they do get back in touch. Can you live with who they really are, or is it a life you would rather leave behind?

Youve been forced into this situation, so at the moment you are in shock.
Be kind to yourself and try not to think in terms of blame. But if you do, let those feelings come and go.

The most important thing for now, is your health.
Get any support you can. Look for groups on line, you maybe able to vent your feelings to someone who understands exactly what you are going through.
Good luck.

I'm sorry you are going through this. Of course are having a hard time with every aspect of this. Maybe seeking a therapist so you have an unconnected outlet for everything would help you?

Try not to blame your DIL she's going through a lot right now too and having to face the prospect of finding a way to support herself and her child without your son's help. From her response, it sounds like she thinks you are too involved in your own feelings to appreciate what she is going through. Not saying that's fair, but it might be from her point of view. Your DIL is dealing with this situation and might not have the energy to deal with you right now. It's not her mother's fault either. This mess is of your son's making. He has made the bad choices that are rocking your family.

For now, I think you need to prioritise your own support. Do you have friends you can talk to? Your doctor? A therapist? A support group? What has helped when you have been through this before?

Hopefully when things have settled a bit and your DIL has got her life in order around whatever her new normal will be, she will be back in touch.