Toxic Mother

Oh my goodness, does it ever end? This morning I had a coffee date with a friend. I sent Mum a text saying ‘Just having coffee with M….’ Straight away a text came back saying to enjoy myself. Then a moment later another text ‘I’m beginning to think I shall go back to my flat and buy an electric bed. And have proper carers come. Not companions..’ Did she intend to take the wind out of my sails because I was out enjoying myself with a friend? My friend thinks so. My husband thinks so too.
Anyway whatever her motivation, she still can barely walk, even with a walker. She needs a carer to help her on the toilet and to cream and replace her dressing on her bedsore. We’ve got an appointment at a care home this afternoon that she can afford, and another tomorrow afternoon. We’re trying to get things sorted out for her and she throws that spanner in the works. What is her game?

Yes, she definitely has personality problems maddyone and reading how you and others have, and continue to suffer at the hands of your mothers, we do worry about our GC.

It's not even as if we can be comforted by the fact our son is their father. He went along with her and estranged his family, I just hope and pray when it comes to the children, he wont be as quick to enable her.

Good luck with your search for another home for your mum, let us know how you're getting on.

I'm sure you're right that your mum would have tried to destroy the relationships your children have with one another, had she been a part of their lives freedomfromthepast.

ES's wife succeeded in destroying his relationship with us, and apart from his brother, his entire family. It's a good thing he' in Aus. as I'm convinced him being so far away means she doesn't regard him as a threat.

I also remember doing tests to check I'm not a narcissist. As well as therapy and counselling.

The therapist said that he couldn't help me because I hadn't developed any severe problems, not a narcissist, no personality disorders. He just made sure that I understood that I wasn't to blame and that the depression and anxiety was due to a narcissistic mother. I was already having a break from her, he recommended I keep it that way and sent me to counselling.

maddyone I’m sure you are aware of the attendance allowance and careers allowance you can claim for your mother, it’s not a lot but does help with the fees, I think I claimed around £380 a month for my mother.

There are a number of not for profit organisations that have good care homes.

Good luck.

Sweetness and light is exactly how others describe my mother. I find her fake sweetness annoying at the point, because I know it is not real.

Ro60: I sometimes check articles like that to make sure I DONT have those traits. Which of course means I am not a narcissist.

My own mother tried very hard to destroy my children's relationship with me, which is why I estranged. I am sure she would have done the same to their relationship with each other at some point.

Gampsy Yes maybe you can give yourself permission to cut ties - your own peace of mind - and life are important - Start Living the life You want to live. ?

Same here!!! Never realised it was a 'thing'
I've told my DDs - estranged from each other because of Her - if I ever get like her, just visit me once a year.
Reading the article, I don't think I will though, since I've never been like that so far. So some reassurance there.

VioletSky your link describing narcissist mothers was informative. My mother ticks many of those boxes.

Aww, thank you Smileless. I know you’ve been through the mill with your DiL and consequently your son, maybe your DiL has personality problems too. I just can’t get over how many people, just on Gransnet alone, have this problem. Sago I have often joked that my mother will outlive me. I hope she doesn’t because I’d like a few years of peace. I continue to do everything that needs doing, including visiting her in her nursing home, but following advice from Gransnetters I no longer go every day, but go about three times a week. I’ve now got to find her a new care home as she can’t stay on where she is now she’s no longer been paid for by the NHS. Her shoulder is healed and she has to go back to her flat, or to another home. She punished me for going on holiday by saying she can now walk unaided to her en-suite bathroom and so was going back to the flat. She knew I’d panic, and I did. But as soon as she was told she was no longer NHS funded, she realised that she can’t in all reality go home. So we’re search for a cheaper home for her now.

"my mother is sweetness and light to other people" that's how narcissists are maddyone.

It's unbelievable what they are capable of saying and doing. Even when we witness it, it's almost impossible to believe.

I hope you'll be set free soon.

Maddyone I think my mother was desperately trying to outlive me!

She was in a home for the last 18 months of her life, her death was sudden but peaceful, the relief I felt was instant, there was no sadness as I had spent years mourning the mother I felt I should have had.

She was 92.

Thankfully COVID meant I didn’t have to go through the charade of a big funeral.

I have understood NPD for the past 10 years or so, she was a perfect narc, I know the problem was her and not me, sadly as a child I thought it was me.

I hope you get your freedom before too long.

Chewbacca my first thought when I read your post was ‘Oh my God, another one.’ I was actually naive enough to think that nobody else would make such a horrible comment, especially to/about a child. It’s still unbelievable to me that those words came out of my own mother’s mouth, but they did.

Oh Violetsky, that is my mother to a T. So many stories I could tell.

But he remembers being called a Nazi child because of his blond hair.

Must have been a common insult to hurl maddyone as that was one of my mother's favourites for my DC too.

For anyone who hasn't come accross this, it outlines all the traits of a narcissistic mother and it helped me so much to face up to the truth. I found it when I googled "why doesn't my mother love me" several years ago and I have come back to it every time I felt wobbly.

parrishmiller.com/narcissists.html

Sago I’m so pleased that you finally feel you’re at peace. You deserve that, so enjoy your freedom. You were never the problem, your mother was the problem. You deserved better, but at least you’re free now

I’m always amazed by how many people have had this problem with their mothers. I don’t know about others, but my mother is sweethness and light to other people, she always has been. Her behaviour was reserved for myself and my sister, but after my sister estranged her for seven years, she became more careful with my sister. My sister had real mental health problems and she still does, as she had difficult PiL as well, and probably her own difficulties too. I’ve thought about it a lot, and it’s my opinion that our mother has Narcissistic Personality Disorder, and although I’m not a doctor, she ticks all the boxes for that condition. One of the very hurtful things she used to do was compare me and my family, that is her own grandchildren, unfavourably with her friends adult children, or even with my own cousins. I pondered on her behaviour for years, and cried and cried so much, and discussed it endlessly with my husband, and the over riding question in my mind was ‘why would a mother do/say that to her own child?’ I desperately wanted a normal mother, and I covered up her bad behaviour and pretended she was normal. I even wrote on Gransnet a few years ago ‘my lovely mum’ but she wasn’t ever a lovely mum and she’s not a lovely mum now, although a little less abrasive since she relies so heavily on us now. Even my sons don’t fully get it, my daughter does, she’s a doctor and sees straight through her Nana, but my sons don’t really understand, because although she said horrible things about them I tried to shield them from the worst of her behaviour, but I couldn’t shield them completely. And as they were children, they’ve forgotten things too. I asked my son about the incident where she pinned him against the wall, and he’s completely forgotten. But he remembers being called a Nazi child because of his blond hair.
Anyway she’s old now, and in a nursing home, and I do what I need to do, but the truth is that like Sago I’ll never be free till she’s gone. She’s 94 in two weeks time, how long can it go on till I get peace?

Sago so good that you can move on having been there for her despite all she had done to you. Enjoy your precious future ⚘

sago I completely understand what it's like to have people turned against me and also the awful dreams. I always dream about her clawing at my face and she never did use her nails on my face in real life, just my body. I have had amazing support from friends too and when my brother tried to turn my best friend against me she said "Violet Sky has been my best friend for 20 years and I've spent much more time with her than you have, she is not capable of being any of the ways you discribe". I can't tell you how much that was needed because I had been conditioned to think badly of myself.

I'm glad you have peace now.

Thank you smileless I count all of my blessings.

You were there for her Sago .

Enjoy the rest of your life with those you love and who love you in return. Don't look back, look forward with joyful anticipation in your heart.

My toxic mother died 15 months ago, we were not estranged, I was dutiful but resented every minute.

The past 15 months have been bliss, I feel as though a weight has been lifted.

She still comes back to haunt me in my dreams!

All I ever wanted was a few years on this earth without her and I cherish every day I am alive and she isn’t.

I am not a cruel person but her cruelty and lies dominated my life for 57 years, she spoilt anything I had that was good and worked very hard to turn the people I loved against me.

I am so thankful for my husband, children and the few friends that know the full and true story and believed and supported me.

Perfect summation freedomfromthepast. Freedom is having a present and a future without constantly looking back at the past

Spot on

That's what estrangement brings in the end isn't it; freedom.

Although we were the ones to be estranged, estrangement has given us freedom from our ES's toxic wife and from his own abusive behaviour.

We have "a present and a future" as you say Chewbacca.

I am at peace with my decision.

Perfect summation freedomfromthepast. Freedom is having a present and a future without constantly looking back at the past.