Toxic Mother

You both make valid points Allsorts and maddyone.

As an adult, if you're facing abuse from your AC and/or their partner, it's a difficult decision to call it out for fear of being estranged. If you don't then you are faced with the prospect of being an enabler.

When the abuser is a parent, a child is in no position to call out the behaviour. Other family members may be enablers if they're aware of what's happening but as those of us who have experienced abuse either as adults, or from childhood know only too well how this can be hidden.

There's a 'public' face to deceive others into believing that they are perfectly normal and decent people. There are also those whose relationship with the abusive person becomes so dependant, that they are unable or unwilling to see their true nature.

An adult can of sometimes is brainwashed by their partner so much so that they end up estranging their own parents and their entire family.

You appear to have found a way to manage your relationship with your mum topcat, which is a good thing.

Reducing the contact you have with your mum has enabled you to have some contact, even thought that is limited and has prevented the difficult and final decision to estrange.

Whether you're the one who takes the decision to estrange, or the one who is estranged, the end of a relationship that should have been or was once close, does need to be grieved for.

Allsorts from your post I would guess you’ve not had a toxic parent. I hope that is the case for your sake. However many, many people, including many on Gransnet, have had extremely difficult parents, even toxic parents. It’s really difficult to admit this as an adult, and as a child you don’t recognise the reality. However your parent treats you as a child, you think that’s normal. As you grow up, you seek to escape. I took myself off 250 miles away from my mother, although she moved here after my father died. My mother did, and said the most appalling things and I eventually came to the conclusion that she is probably narcissistic, but of course it’s never been diagnosed. All of this realisation takes years, and it is only later in life that many people actually realise that everything they have been subjected to isn’t normal. The thing is that they’ve been brainwashed as a child to do what the parent says and are conditioned to obey. Eventually as the parent ages, the adult child becomes more and more resentful of the unreasonable demands that are being placed upon them. I think that it often takes until the parent reaches old age before the adult child realises how badly they’ve been treated.

It's never too late to put boundaries in place and take measures to protect our own mental health.

I do think it’s a shame waiting until someone is in their 80’s and needing help, to decide this is the time to distance from a toxic parent. Surely this difficult person should have had a frank discussion years ago, to enable change or get used to not having family support.

Gampsy,

Sorry for the late reply, but better late than never...

I speak from experience and found that although I am still in contact with my mother - the occasional phone call etc, I had to go through a period of mourning so to speak for the mother I never had or never will have - I won't lie this was very painful and difficult, took me nearly two years before I came out the other end, but once you have done this life and your relationship becomes much easier - also limit contact and if your mother starts the blame game just say got to go now and put the phone down - once you've done this a few times they get the message and start to monitor their remarks more.. you have to let go of hoping for a different outcome either from the past or the future - you will need help and guidance for this but just google it and you will find what you need to get you through. If your mother shuns you then she is only hurting herself in the long run and will end up contacting you once she realizes you are serious - The best of luck and remember that you have been betrayed in one way or another throughout your whole life by the very person who should have given you unconditional love.

Some good advice there welbeck.

for those battling, or trying to survive toxic people in their lives, when they become abusive, could you try talking about yourselves almost, rather than reacting or worse bottling the negative emotion.
eg say, i've been advised not to linger in company that is destructive to my self worth. for the good of my health.
and leave/ end call.
so you are making a statement about yourself, but not then discussing it, just acting in self protection, as advised.
eg someone who finds it difficult to decline a drink in company, may find it easier to say, no thank you, doctor's orders.
so you can say you have been advised to have only positive influences in your life. you don't have to give further details.
which is true. we've advised it. and then calmly leave.
good luck.

It's a shame when people leave because of unpleasantness Allsorts and it's good to see that you've returned

I think I know who Violet sky is, I left the forum because of the posts and rejoined under a new name. I said I wouldn’t look at any others in a similar vein.

Thank you, I'm so glad if it helped people

I'm confused by all this name changing. I thought I didn't recognise you VioletSky but forgot about this thread where you have given such a lot of good advice. It's a bit of a mystery.

Message deleted by Gransnet. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

Whatever decisions you may or may not make Gampsy put your own long term well being first, and for me that includes considering how you might feel if you do decide to break all contact with your mum. A point I made earlier on, on this thread.

As long as you are protecting yourself, any decision you make will be the right one for you, and that's all that matters.

Good post VioletSky.

Amazing post, violetsky

It was believed for a long time that physical problems were the worst and anything mental was not a big deal. Everyone remembers that saying:

Stick and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me.

I think that's why we have ended up with so many people who sadly have abusive parents. Not only did a lot of parents not deal with their own emotional wounds growing up, they they then passed it on to their children.

Mental health matters and emotional abuse can cause just as serious and long term consequences as physical abuse. Emotional abuse literally makes changes in the brain. Those physical changes can cause more susceptibility to illnesses triggered by stress, addiction, anxiety, depression, and even personality disorders.

We have so many adults responsible for fixing themselves because of this, even if that's just learning healthy boundaries and being able to protect ourselves.

We can do it. We can be happy and healthy and we can break the cycle. That's the important thing. Just small positive changes.

Sometimes we have to mother ourselves.

Sounds like depression to me , don't be too hard on the lady . She may be deeply unhappy in her later years . Remain in contact but keep the conversation light . This is what we do as carers of the elderly . Its no fun being old in today's society , afterall !

Susan, Grandmabatty is right, you need to concentrate on getting well.

Susan I'm sorry to hear that you are unwell. You owe your mum nothing and can well do without added stress. ?

Susan56 A wake up call indeed!

I have always had the same sort of relationship many of you describe with my mother.As you say maddyone there seem to be a lot of them about.I could have written the last sentence in your last post about my own parents.

I had started trying to emotionally distance myself a couple of months ago as the behaviours were getting increasingly hard to deal with.Your post yesterday at 18.59 Grandmabatty sounds very familiar.

Just over a week ago,after a difficult couple of weeks when my lovely FIL died I received a troubling health diagnosis.I was pretty devastated and had a lot of hospital appointments to sort out.The day after receiving this news I was meant to visit my mum.I telephoned to say I wouldn’t be going and why and all she took from the call was that I wouldn’t be going to see her.She then phoned various family members to list my failings?‍♀️The dr has told me I need to reduce the stress in my life.This health diagnosis has been the wake up call I need.I have finally put boundaries in place and am determined to stick to them.Please put yourselves first and look after your health.

I understand that Grandmabatty. The trouble is that these kind of mothers make so many comments along the way, and although they seem not to be too bad on their own, cumulatively they add up and become very toxic.
It’s interesting that this thread started by Gampsy is the third thread about difficult mothers in about three weeks. A poster started one about her demanding mother first, then I started one entitled Three Elderly Parents, and now this one, and what I’ve learned through reading them is that there are many very difficult mothers in the generation above ours. Maybe the way they were brought up, or living through the war, or maybe they are just like that, but the numbers of posters who have gone on to the threads saying how difficult their mothers are gives me cause to wonder. My father was a lovely man, but my mother was known in the family for her difficult behaviour and her determination to have her own way.

maddyone, I wouldn't wish her on anyone else!

Grandmabatty, do you think we share the same mother?

I've commented on my mum earlier. Her gifts always come with strings, not ribbon. At family breakfast on Sunday which she insists on paying for, she berated me for having a second coffee and then said she didn't. She then turned on my son and called him fat and told him he was going grey. He's certainly not fat and is 35 years old. I suspect that she realises she's lost control over me but thinks she can get at me by insulting my children. At the same time she was sugary sweet to two family friends who she invited. She's something else!?