Will my granddaughter remember me?

OP, "This has nothing to do with Covid. The fundamentals of this go way back before that and have different causes, but suffice to say that my son is no longer close to any of his former friends or family"

Smileless, I did not read OP to say; "she was {not} having problems with her relationship with her son before this happened". Maybe she was maybe she was not, the post from OP, above, is decidedly not definitive as to time.

Smileless2012

in your example Hithere the estranged person asks for help to to talk to their parents so why is the aunt in your example "butting in when they shouldn't"?

A typical one sided example too. It could go this way:

Aunt: I understand, it must be difficult for you. Would you like me to talk to them about this and see if I can help them to understand?

It isn't only the one who instigates the estrangement who can be on the receiving end of unwanted advice.

EAC's sibling: You need to keep reaching out with letters and cards
Parent: I can't keep doing that because it upsets me when I don't get a response
EAC's sibling: But s/he needs to know you love her/him
Parent: I've told her/him again and again, there's nothing more I can do
EAC's sibling: But she's your D/he's your son. Your the mother it's your responsibility. You'll never see your GC again if you don't sort this out.

I think you misunderstood Smileless. Hithere said, "This is help - the estranged person initiates the exchange
Estranged person to aunt: hey, help me talk to my parents. What can I do to fix this" She was saying it is OK to help if they ask.

I don’t know what’s been said already, but I would lay low for now, keeping your records, so you’ll always have something to show her in the future.

As for her remembering you...I don’t think anyone can say. Some people have very long term memories, others none. My husband for example, still remembers moving house when he was three. He’s 62 now. I struggle to remember much before the age of five! Of course, we are a lot older than hopefully your granddaughter will be when you see her again.

One thing my daughter did during the lockdowns, was to leave a photo album of her husband’s family, in with their toys, so they saw it all the time. Then hopefully, when they see them for real, they’ll know who they are. This is purely distance which has stopped them, not estrangement.

Why don’t you send a letter, saying exactly what you’ve said in this post? Then I’m afraid it’s a waiting game.

Many children, but not all, remember people and places quite clearly from the age of 2 or 3, so your granddaughter may well remember you, but I honestly do not think anyone can say positively that she will.

Family quarrels are always distressing and difficult to cope with.

Offence was taken over something that you have tried to discuss and apologise for - there is nothing more you can do.

Your apology has not been accepted and I feel certain your son had said things that hurt you too.

It is dreadfully sad, but please do not allow remorse and regrets over a situation that you cannot mend to destroy your life.

It takes two to quarrel and two to make up again afterwards, and from what you say neither your son nor his fiancée are prepared to try and make up.

So take up a new hobby, so you have less time to think of the granddaughter you are not allowed to see.

I know it is hard, and that my advice perhaps sounds uncaring - it isn't meant so, but beating yourself up about this is doing no good at all.

Most bizarre assumption has been that the OP was having problems with her relationship with her son before this happened; no.

She previously had a very good relationship with him.

Madgram77, if posters were sticking to the question, less assumptions.

Yes drop them a nice letter with maybe a little gift apologies perhaps. Being a new grandparent is not always an easy path. After all we are new at this too. It’s very easy to give advice, not always welcome. Please try to clear the air with them. An apology goes a long, ling way. Tell them how you feel but don’t make it about you as they will be hurting too.

where there's been no suggestion of there being any issues with the OP's son's other family members and friends, the fact that they have also been estranged raises the possibility that there may be more to this than meets the eye.

Yup! And as you say Smileless, suggesting a possibility is not making an assumption, just raising a possibility. No assumptions can be made , every case is different, but certainly raising possibilities for an OP to consider, can be helpful

Thank you all - you all deserve happiness xx

Sorry alovelycupofteaa it's quite hard to keep track of the conversations here I've noticed and easy to forget where you are talking.

I hope you are able to make things right with your son soon.

That's right alovelycupoftea you said in your OP you previously had a very good relationship with him so I don't know where that came from either.

As you say families are very precious which makes estrangement a very emotive subject.

I hope that things will improve for you and your family and wish you all the best.

Me too alovelycupoftea

alovelycupofteaa I sincerely hope that one day there will be a happy ending for you and your family.

Lots of strong opinions on here, & I think I will leave everyone to discuss amongst themselves if that’s ok…! Aldom is right, I only really wanted an answer to my question in the title from anyone who had experience of this - the rest was probably unnecessary background info, but only a snippet and I wouldn’t expect anyone to be able to form an opinion on what has happened on such scant information!
Just for the record tho, there was no history of conflict with my son, so I’m not sure where that came from - we were very close until all this started.
Anyway, thank you so much to those who tried to answer my original question, and I hope that everyone here gets the resolution they want. Families are very precious and I will never give up trying to make things right with my son.

Aldom "I thought the OP's question was will my granddaughter remember me So far there has been very little input relating to her original question."

Valid question! I doubt, with last contact at less than 3 years old, GD will remember the OP unless contact resumes.

Threads always meander at some point Aldom.

I thought the OP's question was will my granddaughter remember me So far there has been very little input relating to her original question.

Did you not read Hithere's post Bibbity? "Estranged person to aunt: hey help me to talk to my parents. What can I do to fix this".

I see you've conveniently ignored the equally valid alternative that I provided.

Thank goodness I had the maturity to understand our DS's attempts at intervention and he was never at risk of being cut out.

And a flying monkey is a flying monkey on either side. Shut it down and stop communicating.

I do not wish to discuss this. Change the subject or I will leave.

That was an example of just one of many conversations I had with our DS. A 30 year old man who was distraught at what was happening to his family. Not a 'flying monkey'.

As the breakdown is nothing to do with Aunt she needs to keep out. Or she will also be blocked. A grown up is able to reach out if needed.

If they do they risk being cut out.

in your example Hithere the estranged person asks for help to to talk to their parents so why is the aunt in your example "butting in when they shouldn't"?

A typical one sided example too. It could go this way:

Aunt: I understand, it must be difficult for you. Would you like me to talk to them about this and see if I can help them to understand?

It isn't only the one who instigates the estrangement who can be on the receiving end of unwanted advice.

EAC's sibling: You need to keep reaching out with letters and cards
Parent: I can't keep doing that because it upsets me when I don't get a response
EAC's sibling: But s/he needs to know you love her/him
Parent: I've told her/him again and again, there's nothing more I can do
EAC's sibling: But she's your D/he's your son. Your the mother it's your responsibility. You'll never see your GC again if you don't sort this out.

This is help - the estranged person initiates the exchange
Estranged person to aunt: hey, help me talk to my parents. What can I do to fix this?

This is a flying monkey, butting in when they shouldn't and they may become collateral damage:
Aunt: what happened? It's a pity you dont get along
Estranged person: it is a pity, but I cant take it anymore
Aunt: I am sure they didnt mean it, why dont you give them another chance?
They did it because they love you and want the best for you, they are good people and didnt meant it that way
Dont you think of your children, they need to see estranged party
..

No one should be forced to have a relationship with anyone. We would live in a very awkward world if we all were.

If the person who estranged is happier that way it's not my place to get involved and try to undo that happiness by forcing a reconsiliation.

If the person who was estranged is unhappy and wants support I could give that without becoming an unasked for mediator with the other party.

Sometimes estrangement happens and the person being estranged is just happy to be left out of all the drama. I'm not going to then step in and tell people who they should have a relationship with.

Even close friends or family members cannot assume they know the truth in a situation. Especially in cases of different abuse where people genuinely never suspect it is happening. Yet it does behind closed doors.

Just trying to warn anyone who thinks interfering will help.

It won’t. It doesn’t and it usually backfires on the flying monkey.