Will my granddaughter remember me?

Norah yes Covid may have been a time for the son to "reset" as you call it!

However there is nothing to suggest that the estrangement has been caused by Covid as such, as suggested in your first comment: fact of Covid, which indeed could be part of the length to DS non visits

To me that reads as "Son hasn't visited because of Covid" which is not suggested by anything the OP has said. In fact the estrangement started before Covid/lockdown ever happened

Yes, Elless can consider your advice: wait patiently and work on myself through psychotherapy but I don't think that suggesting Covid is a possible reason for the length of the non visits/estrangement is helpful, when it appears clear that her son has been clear they want "nothing to do with them"

Her son told her she needed "fixing"! ...how does that lead to "use this time to fix yourself"! It sounds far more like a "reason" to estrange ...presumably because of his mother's behaviours, which may or may not be a valid decision, we don't know

What we DO know is that Elless is in pain over this situation and she doesn't really need conjecture muddying the waters and causing more pain, does she!

I am acutely conscious that us continuing to disagree is also not helpful for Elless so lets just leave it there.

In some situations, parents who have made mistakes with their children and grandchildren are unable to take any responsibility or offer real genuine apology.

Some are able to fully take responsibility. I have never met a perfect parent who hasn't made mistakes, all sorts of them. I've never met a parent who hasn't had bad days or bad weeks or even a bad months.

Not all estrangements situations are forever. Those who continuously work to be responsible and accountable have far less chance of being estranged permanently.

I am saying this in this shared space where we already know:

That some parents are abusive.

That some adult children are abusive.

That sometimes both parents and adult children are abusive.

That sometimes with hard work, responsibility and accountability reconsiliations are possible.

Ah yes "re-set" and take away from your D all contact with the GM she loves and has spent so much time with.

No Smileless I do not accept covid has nothing to do with OP situation. The timing, as laid out by OP leads directly to "Mum, use this time to "fixing" your issues" she posted in her second post.

Madgram77 No contact during covid we all experienced. Covid may have been a good time for DS to re-set. I'd wait patiently and work on myself through psychotherapy. No other choice, really, is there?

So then Norah you accept that covid has nothing to do with the OP's situation.

"The fact is some AC do not prefer an apology that attempts to explain away bad behaviour". That's true Norah and those AC will just have to hope that when they make mistakes, because they will, that their children will be more forgiving and more understanding than they've been. Especially when as in alovelycupoftea's case, there are issues of fear of abandonment and insecurity, due to a tragedy in her own childhood, which she is receiving psychotherapy for.

I sometimes wonder when reading some of the stories here on GN what some of these AC want. Especially when there's been a great relationship with them, their parents and their children's relationship with their GP's, and I wonder if in the future they will reap what they've sewn.

I hope some of them do.

Madgram77 OP indeed said: We have tried everything - letters, phone calls, texts, emails, apologising & trying to explain various things.

That is all well and good.

The fact is some AC do not prefer an apology that attempts to explain away bad behaviour DS dislikes. No matter the mums explanation.

alovelycupofteaa sorry you are in this situation, it must be very painful for you.

What has it been recommended you try in therapy?

You sound like you are able to see your sons point of view now when it comes to the mistakes you said you have made. Have you tried just a flat out apology for those? No ifs, no buts, no excuses... Just what I did was wrong, I'm sorry, I will do everything in my power to make sure it doesn't happen again. I will always respect your parenting and understand that being a grandparent is a treasured privilege not a right. This will show him that you are truly able to take responsibility for your actions.

3 year olds are all very different, some may remember and some won't. Truthfully it would be easier on your granddaughter if she does not remember.

Try to concentrate on getting that help for yourself, if you can mend the relationship with the parents then hopefully you will be able to create new memories for you all.

I was going to say the same thing Madgran but you've beaten me to it.

Norah I understand your point, you however are ignoring the obvious fact of covid, which indeed could be part of the length to DS non visits.\

That is certainly NOT suggested by the OPs comments below Norah

We have tried everything - letters, phone calls, texts, emails, apologising & trying to explain various things

Covid hasn't stopped any of those things!

Smileless I understand your point, you however are ignoring the obvious fact of covid, which indeed could be part of the length to DS non visits.

Alovelycupoftea What a heartfelt and indeed lovely post! There is absolutely nothing in your post to blame anyone but yourself. Why not write to them saying pretty much the same? You can only try. If nothing changes you will have absolutely nothing to reproach yourself for.

But at least for some Norah they can visit the family they're missing, but that isn't the case for those of us who are being denied contact, with or without Covid.

Sorry, I would rather say "that is to my point"

Seen not since.

I don't know if she will I hope so. Last time I saw my grandson's they were 2 and 4 last year I doubt they will remember me. Never since my one year old grandson.

Can't imagine them leaving my photos up.

Smileless Perhaps not for you, but for many Covid has caused no family visits to my point.

"Please consider what has been going on in the world" this is going on in alovelycupoftea's world and if you'd ever had any experience of not having contact with your AC and GC Norah, you'd know just how difficult this is.

What an awful situation for you, I completely understand why you feel so sad. I’m sure your GD will start asking questions and wanting to see you when she’s older but hopefully things will get resolved soon.

Yes, it doesn't sound like it will be a long term estrangement and it sounds like you are willing to work on issues yourself. So be a bit kinder to yourself and carry on as you are and take each day at a time. It must have been very difficult for you to have lost your Mum so young and the impact of trauma on such a young you, must have been awful

I'm sure she will remember though. I remember my Great Gran and she died before I started school. I have such vivid memories of her.

alovelycupoftea "I made lots of mistakes when I was new to grandparenthood, for various reasons, & I know should have coped better, listened to them more and been more forgiving of many things." "We have tried everything - letters, phone calls, texts, emails, apologising & trying to explain various things (my mother became ill when I was 12 and eventually died when I was 20, & I developed various insecurity & fear of abandonment issues as a result), & also going to a psychotherapist when he said I needed 'fixing', but we are currently not allowed to send them anything (letters/ cards /presents), as he says that they won't accept

He is giving you time to work through your issues with the psychotherapist. If I count correctly, GD was 3 in Jan 2020, as covid began. Been around 20 months of not seeing DS. Please consider what has been going on in the world, continue psychotherapy, wait patiently.

Oh, thank you so much GagaJo, that's so comforting!
And B9 and shysal- thank you. We have tried everything - letters, phone calls, texts, emails, apologising & trying to explain various things (my mother became ill when I was 12 and eventually died when I was 20, & I developed various insecurity & fear of abandonment issues as a result), & also going to a psychotherapist when he said I needed 'fixing', but we are currently not allowed to send them anything (letters/cards/presents), as he says that they won't accept it from us. I keep a file of things we would have sent them & her - this morning we have written a card wishing her good luck on her first day of school, & put it in the file, hopeing that one day she will see them & know that we always loved her & were thinking of her.

I'm sure she'll remember you, I hope so.

If you haven't done so already, B9exchange's suggestion is a good one. It's such a shame that your GD is having to do without the GM she'd spent so much time with, especially as you'd developed such a close relationship.

I hope your son and his finance will be able to put their own issues to one side and consider their D in this very sad situation.

I was gone, overseas for a year when my DGS was between 1 1/2 and 2 1/2. He knew exactly who I was when I came home. His Gaga. Like I'd never been gone. She'll remember you.

If you feel the parents would accept them, how about printing your photos onto postcards and send regular chatty messages?