Letter from estranged 89 year old father asking for one letter a year

Thanks Neen, good idea, but I'm over 300 miles away. My daughter phoned from London tonight and her flatmate has tested positive, numbers here are very high and I am still nervous to travel.

I've been checking the Royal Mail tracking every day and my parcel still hasn't been collected, it's a week tomorrow. I rang the PO today and asked for it to be redelivered on Friday. I had typed the address label.

I also asked for a note to be added for the postperson to wait a little longer to give him time to get to the door - my aunt has now told me she was told he is using a walking frame.

Perhaps consider taking a trusted friend who is also able to help with age appropriate care and say to family I've booked lunch for dad and I on ...I'll pick him up at ..and drop him back at ...see then X

I hope he gets it too Shandy well done and the thoughtful additions are lovely and so are you.

Thanks Whatdayisit - I can't imagine where he was, although could have been in bed, he did used to get up very late when I was a child!

I hope he gets it.?

Just popping in to say I spent a long time making sure my letter to my Dad was suitably cheerful, I got him a copy of the BBC series 'Townscapes' book as he loves architecture, and some chocolate. Parcelled it all up and sent it by first class recorded delivery yesterday.

I've just tracked it and he was out when they tried to deliver it, I hope they left a card!

Ah Shandy I remember you and I posting about our house sale/purchasing tribulations on the moving house thread and I recall that it was a very trying time for you. You've done 2 house moves, in quite a short space of time, and stuff inevitably gets mislaid despite the best filing system. It's always the way that the things that go AWOL are the things with the most sentimental value and it mithers you until you find them, but you know you haven't thrown those away. They'll be there somewhere; tucked away in a "safe place". Start afresh tomorrow.

Thank you very much Chewbacca, you've cheered me, I feel upset tonight as I can't find my husband's condolence cards. It started because I was looking for the auction house paperwork, I can't find that either. When I was in the rented cottage I organised all of the paperwork so I could find things quickly - obviously didn't do it very well! I was sure I'd put them in a suitcase with his other paperwork. Everything else is there but not the cards/condolence book. Tomorrow is another day!

Well done for coming to a place of purpose and intent of how you're going to proceed Shandy, you've done a lot in a short space of time. I think your plan is just right; you're demonstrating civility and that you're "doing your duty" but nothing more. You've obviously taken a deep breath, thought about it calmly and clearly and you're in a much better place within yourself, despite your awful childhood and odious SIL and you've "moved on from that"; you should be proud of yourself.

Shandy you had every right to estrange your father and you are doing him a great kindness.

I hope the letters bring you some peace and him in his own way

See him now, it’s not that far, before it’s too late. Your mother stayed because she still loved him, whatever pain he caused. How many years has he left? You can hate what they do but still have love for someone. If he rebuffs you, you will be the bigger person and have done your best. He obviously loves you but likes to call what tune you dance to. . Please don’t be controlled by your brother, you have every right to see your own father, your contact with him can be minimal. Good luck..

I would carry on writing to him, regardless of all other considerations, and the jiffy-bag method you suggest sounds like a way of getting your letters to him un-intercepted. It may work for a while, long enough for you to explain that you’ve contacted him more often than he seems to think.
He’s such a very old man now, try to put the past behind you. What harm can it do just to keep in touch with him at this stage in his life?

Thank you for all your comments and advice, I have talked to my aunt today and feel a lot better.

I should clarify that I instigated the estrangement in 2001 due to my family living by a different moral code. I did forgive them both by letter five years later, but I'll never forget. I could not condone their behaviour towards my late Mum, and did not want anything to do with them. It is difficult as my aunt still sees them. When I managed to visit following my Mum's death, my SIL was almost gleeful when she showed me the ECG flat line slip the ambulance driver had dropped. I was disgusted at her complete lack of sensitivity throughout my Mum's illness and her final demise.

I've spent the afternoon searching for some information that seems to have got lost in the move, but intend writing my Dad a jolly letter and will leave it at that.

I don't want to see him, anymore than he wants to see me, he knows how we suffered as children due to his adultery and countless affairs. I still remember very clearly my Mum's distress due to his behaviour. My brother and I were about three and eight (I'm the eldest) and had to sit in the lounge with my Mum and a strange man - he was the ex husband of my Dad's current girlfriend, he'd come round to warn my Dad off as he was 'back'. My poor Mum, she still loved my Dad to the end even with such poor treatment.

I'm only going to include information that they could find on the web if they want to - my house sale and purchase price are easily found, so no need to find my sharpie pen to scribble out the asking price.

Shandy
When you send a card again I'd definitely mention the last one and talk about the photos you picked out then he at least knows about it.
Also, maybe consider sending a card from (say) moonpig that will be typed up with no area stamp?

Namsnanny "greyrock", in this instance, just means to write a letter giving out no detailed or personal information but just to keep the subject matter to light, everyday inconsequential matters.

What does grey rock mean?

Shandy, I think you own idea of sending a round robin type message fits fine. It keeps Dad happy as he hears from you, you don't feel so guilty about not sending anything and your brother knows what you want him to know.

I agree with violetsky that the reasons to contact are very suspicious

Grey rock and see how he reacts

Whatdayisit

I don't think that's fair Baggs their are plenty of reasons why 340 miles is too far. And visiting isn't always affordable.

I agree, whatdayisit, but no reasons are given. On the face of it, it does look like an excuse.

I could have made that clearer.

Newatthis

I think he thinks that you are quite well off and he is trying to weedle his way into your life again. I would steer clear. from what you say, he has never been a father to you.

Possibly adding 2+2 and making 5 Newatthis ?
Like Baggs I feel 300 miles is not insurmountable, unless you have health and mobility issues yourself. Given OP’s father’s age it is unlikely to be a journey she would have to make too often.
OP says she did not get a card - things can get lost in the post, or indeed at 89 he may be absent-minded, in h experience some men are rubbish at remembering birthdays
This does seem to have gone on too long with, it seems, lack of communication on both sides.
Is it not time to bury the hatchet?

It’s all very little too late for me, I’ve read over the post twice and it doesn’t sit well, surely in all that time of you not seeing him he could have made some effort to see you, he does seem to mention money a lot, I’d go with what your gut feeling is telling you Shandy, best wishes

Could you speak to your Aunt about the situation?

If she lives near to your Dad, maybe she could go to see him on your behalf and check things out.

This doesn’t sit well with me. A case of too little too late. You sound content with your life outside of your father, brother etc. What do your kids think?

I think you have to do what brings you peace...and concentrate on those you know love you.

I think he thinks that you are quite well off and he is trying to weedle his way into your life again. I would steer clear. from what you say, he has never been a father to you.

Baggs

340 miles is not much really. Book into an Airbnb and go see him. He might have dementia; many people that age do and deafness doesn't help.

If you say 340 miles is too far you are just making excuses.

You would never forgive yourself if you didn't visit your father and something happened to him.
Do you have a Senior Citizens railcard it will save you money in the long run,stay at Airbnb or Travelodge if one is in his area.